Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Beyond Willing

I was reading a post that mouse wrote today, and I started to think about that moment in time which occasionally occurs, when I hate him. Not true hate per say, but in that moment, I really don't like him for what he is doing.
Whether it is that one smack of the belt after which each strike is agony, or sucking cock with a migraine (in all fairness, he is thankfully fairly considerate of that one), or longer, more pain, more of whatever it is when it becomes just too much...

Whatever the activity, when it is pushed to a certain point, sometimes I feel resentment, anger, dislike, I hate that he's making me do it...
But there is something to be said for pushing beyond that.
He knows that in that moment, I don't like him.
But he does it anyways.
He pushes me beyond where I'm ready to call him names it quits
and something happens in that place.

Everything else disappears.

There is no want, or do not want
there is no "I will, or will not"
there is no "me", there is only "his"
there is no more outside world
there is only his will
and in that moment
everything that I am exists only to serve and fulfill his will.

It has been a while since he pushed me like that.
Tricky isn't it, knowing when to push and when not to? Because I sure as hell am rarely capable of knowing for myself.
I haven't been very stable lately, and he is one to err on the side of caution (which is one of the reasons why we work so well).

But there is something to be said for that place of complete surrender. And sometimes, the only way I can get there, is to go beyond where I am willing.

12 comments:

  1. Lil,
    Thank you for posting this. Right now...while it might seem mouse is perfectly at ease with everything that happened this weekend....the lovely part is lovely..but the bad (today's post) was just awful...

    For the moment mouse is back to hating him a little still. Feeling pissy...

    But your post gave mouse a bit of hope.

    Hugs,
    mouse

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. mouse,
      oh no, thank You! It feels like it's been s while since I was inspired to write anything besides complaints lol. And while the experience you wrote about does not sound pleasant, I am so glad you wrote it--I have occasionally wondered if I was the only one who felt that little bit of hating, and if perhaps it wasn't okay. But I think it is. And it might even serve a purpose...

      I'd be feeling pissy too! Hope it has passed.

      Delete
  2. This is beautiful... and I love that you represent both sides of it, the fact that it is a beautiful thing and a beautiful place to be, but at the same time sometimes it sucks... Thank you for your genuineness and openness in your sharing recently... and sorry for giving you so many comments to deal with in one day!!! I'm on a mission to get caught up!

    hugs,
    Bekah

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bekah,
      thank you. And no worries--I think I managed to respond to all your catching up!

      Delete
  3. I know how you feel. I get so mad and frustrated and I hate him at times too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Daisy,
      I think we all get angsty feeling sometimes.

      Delete
  4. From One Submissive To AnotherSeptember 24, 2013 at 8:50 PM

    Sooo funny that you posted this because ive actually wanted to ask you about this. It happened to me when i was being punished and i wanted to know if you had ever felt that way. And what you said about the world disappearing is so true. Good to know im not alone, your a mind reader lil.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. From one sub to another,
      I'm beginning to think that it happens to all of us at times...

      Happy to respond to something you never asked! Lol.

      Delete
  5. God that sounds familiar. There's this whacky masochistic mechanism where we love what we don't like.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Giles,
      it really does feel a bit whacky sometimes.

      Delete
  6. Here's to wishing we could find that place more often....or to getting there quicker anyway.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. dancingbarez,
      it's nice to be seeing you around again!

      Oh yes, a nice straight route to that place...

      Delete

Play nice.