Whether it is that one smack of the belt after which each strike is agony, or sucking cock with a migraine (in all fairness, he is thankfully fairly considerate of that one), or longer, more pain, more of whatever it is when it becomes just too much...
Whatever the activity, when it is pushed to a certain point, sometimes I feel resentment, anger, dislike, I hate that he's making me do it...
But there is something to be said for pushing beyond that.
He knows that in that moment, I don't like him.
But he does it anyways.
He pushes me beyond where I'm ready to call
and something happens in that place.
Everything else disappears.
There is no want, or do not want
there is no "I will, or will not"
there is no "me", there is only "his"
there is no more outside world
there is only his will
and in that moment
everything that I am exists only to serve and fulfill his will.
It has been a while since he pushed me like that.
Tricky isn't it, knowing when to push and when not to? Because I sure as hell am rarely capable of knowing for myself.
I haven't been very stable lately, and he is one to err on the side of caution (which is one of the reasons why we work so well).
But there is something to be said for that place of complete surrender. And sometimes, the only way I can get there, is to go beyond where I am willing.