Sunday, September 15, 2013

Accepting Realizations

I am inclined to point out that this post is probably not worth the coffee required to read or write it. Lol.

Realization is so different from acceptance.

I realize that slavery will never really be what I think it should be. Because if it was, it wouldn't truly be slavery to me.

But to accept...Well, acceptance is an entirely different creature.

There are just to many fucking words in my head to make sense of.

Everything is fine really. In fact, it should be noted that things are better than fine.

Except for some this and that stuff.

And the fact that I can't seem to write. So I tried and I tried to figure out why. Because I feel the need to blog, the need to process through writing, the need to sift through my thoughts on a page. Yet...I can't.

So why?

Because I committed, what I see to be, one of those cardinal sins of blogging: I allowed my readership undue influence over my writing--I got my most likely diagnosis, and I kept it to myself. Therefore ensuring that many of my personal issues wouldn't make sense in print, and minimizing my ability to use writing as a tool for personal growth and exploratiion.
But why?
Perhaps because some things seem more personal than sex...
Pcos and endometriosis would explain so much of my life. My decidedly reticent libido, mood swings, pain, and on, and on...Did I mention up and down moods?
And while I realize it, I have difficulties accepting it. Because that means it's not all in my imagination.

The D/s...

Sometimes I'm afraid that Dominating me is like dealing with multiple personalities lol.

Now, I am not operating under the illusion of his perfection. In fact, the thought that I might be would probably make him laugh incredulously.
But I have not yet figured out how to flow smoothly when I seem to consistently run the entire gambit of human emotion in an extremely short period of time. Over and over again.

There's times I can't explain, times when I feel like there's this huge empty space. And nothing owns me because there is nothing to own in a void. That's the best way I can put it into words, unfortunately...

I realize these things.
But I am not entirely accepting of those realizations.

I know that I am a challenge. I know that it is difficult to handle the state of flux from wanton and malleable slave, to a ball of empty lost indifference and confusion. I know that I
need help, and am not always accepting of it or the form that it takes.
Because I realize that submission and slavery cannot be about what I want. In order for our relationship to be successful, ttwd has to be about my needs as well as his, and to a certain extent, my desires too.
With the understanding that such is his choice. My desires are his to feed or not.
When, what, and where are all his to choose.

I realize, need, and even desire these things.
Yet, there are times that I have difficulty accepting them because there's nothing to own in an empty space.

Ultimately though, I am coming to accept these realizations. Because he always reaches out that hand when I start to fall. Yet I choose not to take it (one could also say that I dodge the incoming hit, but around here, that would be arguing semantics lol) . And taking his offering will ease the state of flux. Because like so may aspects of ttwd, it's about what he chooses, not about the form I believe our D/s should take.

Eventually, we must both accept surrender. I surrender on his terms. Because his ownership is the only thing that sets me free from myself.
So I'll do my part--I'll take all measures I can to mitigate the physical causes of my issues. And I will try my hardest to gracefully accept the assistance he offers. In whatever form that assistance takes.


  1. It's complicated isn't it?

    I love the sign!


  2. Coffee in hand.

    I think or thought it should be easy...he dominates.....i is that difficult, complicated!

    add in emotions, human behaviours, changing thoughts/traits that we have known all our lives, adapting around children, home stuff, jobs....basically life


    yeah its not so simple..or rather maybe it is and i just make it complicated..i dunno know lol


    1. tori,
      well, even if it is simple and we make it complicated, it's still complicated then!
      Life complicates everything, doesn't it?

  3. I had endometriosis (hopefully got it all out with the hysterectomy). until that surhery I had no idea why I had pain, why so moody, why everything.... life is so tough. being a female is tougher. (ghugs)) ... take it a day at a time.

    1. His SLut,
      It's pretty painful, for sure. I hadn't even realized that it could be causing mood swings too--thought that would all be due to the pcos (it's a lovely combination lol).

      I hope you got rid of it!

      Thank you.

  4. So sorry that you have to deal with all of this! Try to keep your head up, things will work out.

    1. Misty,
      they usually do. Sometimes, quite well even!

  5. Hi Lil,

    So sorry you are dealing with this and feeling this way. Hang in there and reach out and take his hand.


    1. Roz,
      thank you! I'm working on it. Doing the whole slow reach thing lol.

  6. Sometimes taking their help can be the hardest thing, it is much easier when they force it on you. It's progress that you realize you have trouble with it, that half the battle.

    Hopefully you feel better soon and that you are working with a Dr. towards some resolution.

    1. dancingbarez,
      oh so true--it really is easier when they force it on you. Though part of me really hates to admit that.

      I think that the doctor and I have parted ways for now--I'm not planning on a hysterectomy or medicine induced menopause, so it looks like he doesn't have a whole lot for me...

  7. This post hit home for me in a lot of ways.

    I stepped back from my blog in a lot of ways for the past few weeks because I was worried about what readers would think of what I'm thinking.... which complete defeats the point of blogging, at least to me, which is to be able to say anything and everything without worrying about what anyone else thinks.

    And there are definitely times when I will either ask for help or just know that I need it and then when B offers help my first response is..."I didn't want THAT kind of help." Which is of course very discouraging for him.

    Being a woman is complicated and sometimes our thought processes are really really messy and tangled. Thank you for trying to post about it and put words on it even if it isn't easy. It helped me at least to realize that it's not just me....


    1. Bekah,
      it really does defeat the point of blogging!

      I am working on accepting the help as it comes in whatever form it takes...

      And it really isn't just you!


Play nice.