I am inclined to point out that this post is probably not worth the coffee required to read or write it. Lol.
Realization is so different from acceptance.
I realize that slavery will never really be what I think it should be. Because if it was, it wouldn't truly be slavery to me.
But to accept...Well, acceptance is an entirely different creature.
There are just to many fucking words in my head to make sense of.
Everything is fine really. In fact, it should be noted that things are better than fine.
Except for some this and that stuff.
And the fact that I can't seem to write. So I tried and I tried to figure out why. Because I feel the need to blog, the need to process through writing, the need to sift through my thoughts on a page. Yet...I can't.
Because I committed, what I see to be, one of those cardinal sins of blogging: I allowed my readership undue influence over my writing--I got my most likely diagnosis, and I kept it to myself. Therefore ensuring that many of my personal issues wouldn't make sense in print, and minimizing my ability to use writing as a tool for personal growth and exploratiion.
Perhaps because some things seem more personal than sex...
Pcos and endometriosis would explain so much of my life. My decidedly reticent libido, mood swings, pain, and on, and on...Did I mention up and down moods?
And while I realize it, I have difficulties accepting it. Because that means it's not all in my imagination.
Sometimes I'm afraid that Dominating me is like dealing with multiple personalities lol.
Now, I am not operating under the illusion of his perfection. In fact, the thought that I might be would probably make him laugh incredulously.
But I have not yet figured out how to flow smoothly when I seem to consistently run the entire gambit of human emotion in an extremely short period of time. Over and over again.
There's times I can't explain, times when I feel like there's this huge empty space. And nothing owns me because there is nothing to own in a void. That's the best way I can put it into words, unfortunately...
I realize these things.
But I am not entirely accepting of those realizations.
I know that I am a challenge. I know that it is difficult to handle the state of flux from wanton and malleable slave, to a ball of empty lost indifference and confusion. I know that I
Because I realize that submission and slavery cannot be about what I want. In order for our relationship to be successful, ttwd has to be about my needs as well as his, and to a certain extent, my desires too.
With the understanding that such is his choice. My desires are his to feed or not.
When, what, and where are all his to choose.
I realize, need, and even desire these things.
Yet, there are times that I have difficulty accepting them because there's nothing to own in an empty space.
Ultimately though, I am coming to accept these realizations. Because he always reaches out that hand when I start to fall. Yet I choose not to take it (one could also say that I dodge the incoming hit, but around here, that would be arguing semantics lol) . And taking his offering will ease the state of flux. Because like so may aspects of ttwd, it's about what he chooses, not about the form I believe our D/s should take.
Eventually, we must both accept surrender. I surrender on his terms. Because his ownership is the only thing that sets me free from myself.
So I'll do my part--I'll take all measures I can to mitigate the physical causes of my issues. And I will try my hardest to gracefully accept the assistance he offers. In whatever form that assistance takes.