Monday, November 3, 2014

Why?

I used to ask myself why. Why I was the way I am, as is one of the dark and unpleasant experiences of my past could explain this element of my present, this need to be Dominated, these dark fantasies, this deep seated need to be owned, which I so struggle against at times.

I don't ask that why anymore.

Now I ask why it is that I am incapable of having a romantic relationship with another human being without some element of D/s. There is only one person which I ever intend to be so involved with, and ultimately, it doesn't matter why I'm wired this way. An answer is not going to change who I am, nor would I necessarily want it to do so.

Yet still...I ask why.

Because I don't excel at it, this whole slave thing. I don't embrace it with open arms, reveling in the unique glory that comes only with that feeling of being owned.
I've never stuck with something I wasn't good at, and I am particularly fond of excelling at the things I choose to do. But when my biology, my heart, my soul, the very fabric of my being, whatever it is in me that makes me what  am; drives me to something which I, at times, feel I will never excel at, I question...Why.

Why I can feel no security without ownership.
Why I am incapable of truly enjoying sex without Dominance and submission.
Why I cannot happily tolerate another human being in my day-to-day life if they aren't in charge,
Why I so often superficially feel as if I want to be in control, when the reality is that his control is what makes me feel stability in my life.
Why I still fight so hard against the reins which make my life what it was made to be.
Why M/s is what I need to make me...Feel.
Why I'm Wonderland's version of the velveteen rabbit, needing M/s to make me real.
Why this is the only okay thing which truly touches me to the core of my being.
Why, why the fuck I crave that feeling which no words can name, the feeling which comes only with...
Why the need for that feeling eats at my soul, as if it's the only thing that could truly make me whole.
Why I cannot love the roses without the thorns.

Ultimately, why does not really matter, yet still I must ask, my obsession a compulsion...

On nights like these, when he's a thousand miles away, I sit and ponder the empty space on the couch, the things which go bump in the night, the cold spot in the bed, the void in my being. In moments like these, I know why it still scares me, this creature that I am, loving the man that he is...Because what he is defines who I am, I don't know how to be anybody else, and this life we live...She is a fickle mistress, prone to bouts of unreasonable tragedy and love stories gone wrong. Life writes tales which will make your soul ache, stories of love and love lost...Beauty highlighted by bitter torment.

I am what I am. I accept that. He allows me to experience that being. What I seem to have difficulty accepting, is that I am is so intrinsically dependent on him. Because by nature, he will not go my way because I want him to--he will do so if it happens to coincide with his desires. That nature is what makes us compatible. Yet...I struggle with accepting this reality, the reality I must live to be happy, to be fulfilled, to be me. Even now, after all these years...

I am afraid that one day life will take him away from me, that one day he will no longer feast his beast on my needs, that I'll end up living just one veil away from that which feeds the need within me.


"There are certain people who come into your life, and leave a mark. Their place in your heart is tender; a bruise of longing, a pulse of unfinished business. Just hearing their names pushes and pulls at you in a hundred ways, and when you try to define those hundred ways, even to yourself, words are useless."
~Sara Zarr

21 comments:

  1. 'Why I still fight so hard against the reins which make my life what it was made to be.'

    is it to know that they are there? and are strong enough to hold you? I *might* do something similar... *ahem*

    sometimes, I need it to be hard, I need there to be things I hate and fight against, because otherwise, it isn't real, it isn't worth fighting for or having, somehow.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. mc kitten,
      Sigh* Yea, he calls me Rapunzel because I seem to need that fight--rescue me over and over again to prove you really want me. I'm evolving slowly. Maybe...

      Delete
    2. 'rescue me over and over again to prove you really want me'

      oh! *light bulb goes on over head*

      Yes!

      Delete
  2. Some things just are. It is not like most people torment themselves for long over questions like
    Why do I want to be married?
    Why do I just love one person and not have 5 lovers?
    Why do I want kids?
    Why do I love chocolate so much?
    Why must life have ups and downs and not just all ups?
    Why do we tend to do that?
    Maybe because it is not a given, it is outside of what most people want, and outside of what society is always telling us we should want? Is that where part of this comes from?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ksst,
      Oh, I dunno--when there's no chocolate to be had, I do ask myself the chocolate question. Jk.

      I think that it does have a lot to do with it being outside of what we are told we should want...And maybe some of us (ahem) just always have to be questioning...

      Delete
  3. Replies
    1. sunnygirl,
      "hmmmmmm" isn't a word?!

      Delete
  4. Wow....your writing just blows me away...we all have some of those same questions..or others....
    hugs abby

    ReplyDelete
  5. The quick answer is that it is what you want and need. It is who you are. The way you were born. Enjoy it.

    FD

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. FD,
      is it terribly annoying that I can acknowledge that and still question it?

      Delete
  6. Lil, I love how you wrote this. I think most of us ask the same questions and can relate. It just is :)

    Hugs
    Roz

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Roz,
      thank you! It's nice to not be the only "questioner".

      Delete
  7. Okay, I have a question for you and I really hope no offense is taken but that you can teach me something about this lifestyle.
    I was always under the impression that the Dominant is supposed to care for his submissive, to know how to take care of her, how to make her feel safe and loved. And in return, the sub gives him herself, all of herself. She trusts him. But for some reason, with the pain and loneliness that you feel at times, I don't see that he is taking good care of you. Am I wrong about what I thought? Am I wrong about how I feel when I read your beautiful posts? You don't have to answer me if you choose not to. I will still be reading your very poetic and wonderful posts.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Blondie,
      I have thought about your question, and I think that I will probably end up doing a post in response.

      I do think that there are times when strong emotion comes off as pain because that is what speaks most clearly. This was written while he was away, so it's...Empty feeling.

      I'll continue to muse on your question.

      Delete
  8. I've been swimming (drowning) in the same sort of why's recently. And lots of related why's and should I's and other quicksand. We always come out - him and me - with his help, with my courage, but we do, together. That makes me think we will this time too. You two, too - i bet.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. gg,
      sigh* the line between swimming and drowning seems to very thin sometimes...
      and yes...We will come out this time too.

      Delete
  9. This thing we do, our dynamics that we have, are hard and sometimes scary. It really is the dependency thing, I think, that makes it so scary. Why is it so hard when it's what we want/need? I'm still trying to figure that one out.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. River wild,
      that whole struggling against what we want and why do we do it, seems to be the submissive version of "which came first, the chicken or the egg" If I ever figure it out, I'll yell it from the rooftops!

      Delete
  10. What Blondie said ... and what you replied. Not necessarily a response personal to your relationship (unless you want) but to the issue of the D's responsibilities. Jon

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jon,
      I'm musing...It will probably turn into 2 posts, depending on how rambly I feel, lol.

      Delete

Play nice.