Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Q & A Six--An Uncomfortable Question of History

Alright, this one is from ksst, and I'm going to be honest here: There are aspect of this question that I don't like one bit. In fact, I rather hate this question. Lol. Mostly because that time in my life sucked monkey butts and I'm not proud of my behavior. However, it was a legitimate and genuine question that deserves a post of its own.

"I'm very intrigued by his reaction to discovering you were playing around with D/s online. What were some of the rules he first implemented with you? Did he immediately declare you were his submissive? What was your reaction to that, if so? Or did it take a little bit of time before you both began calling it D/s?

Did you ever ask to have any particular rules instituted? How did he react? Was there any hindsight is 20/20 on that?" 

When he discovered that I was playing around online, he was royally pissed. He had asked at some point, you see--if I was screwing around, and I had lied. Repeatedly.
Our relationship had been a mess for some time at that point. Really, the year leading up to that was the worst time ever in our relationship, and we had seriously discussed going our separate ways. I make it sounds like a civil discussion, but it wasn't. None of it.

He said that if I wanted to submit, I would submit to him, and only him. I didn't want to. Online was easy. It didn't really matter to me if I pleased anyone, or actually did as I was told--when it came right down to it, I could do whatever the hell I wanted. If he was going to Dominate me, in our house, in real life, for realz...That was a scary thought because I knew it would be different.
Part of me was afraid that he would find out that I was more twisted than he knew, and couldn't handle it. Mostly though, I was afraid it would be real and I would have to actually submit, as opposed to just playing at it when the mood struck me. Yet...I did want it. I wanted it in a way that I was unfamiliar with wanting anything.

We started out strictly bedroom. I think this worked for a few reasons--the learning curve went better than it might have if we had just jumped all in, I wasn't really in a place to do as he told me outside of the bedroom, he was terribly pissed off at me, and did I mention that we were a real mess? I think that I was incapable of submitting outside of the bedroom a that point. One has to...Give over and give in. And I wasn't going to do that. Until I asked to expand beyond the bedroom, but then maybe we already had before I asked...

First rules...No lying. No contact with other Dominants. No online interactions at all, really--read but don't speak, basically.
I think that a few years went by before I typed one word online.
While I did a lot of silent reading, the start of this blog was the first time in years that I had uttered a word online.

I have, in fact, asked for certain rules to be instated. Sometimes he will institute them, and other times he will ignore the request completely. Then there are the times when he ignores it, then six months later, bam--there the damn thing is. That's usually because he felt that I wasn't initially ready for something.

There has been some hindsight is 20/20 in that, yes.
For one thing, there's absolutely no point in having and following a rule if it isn't in some way important to him. Even the rules that are just for me are there because he personally feels they are important in some way. I no longer feel that his implementing a rule which was my idea means that it's not important to him, because I know that he wouldn't even consider it if he didn't find it meaningful/important. I also now know that he won't implement a rule if he feels that I am not ready for it.
For two, one has to carefully consider how it will actually work if a rule is asked for and becomes a reality. Having a meltdown and falling on my face is never pretty. Especially if the whole crux of the matter is something that I asked for in the first place. And then, what happens if you ask for it, but it turns out that you hate living it?
I think that there will actually be more here on this concept soon because of circumstances around revising the book.

I hope that I have adequately answered your questions ksst. I am sorry that I didn't respond directly and clearly to all of your queries, but these memories are like a story to me, and I think that sometimes a little bit of the story is the best way to reach the answer.


  1. I'm sure ksst will be happy with your answers,

  2. 'I no longer feel that his implementing a rule which was my idea means that it's not important to him, because I know that he wouldn't even consider it if he didn't find it meaningful/important.'

    oooooh! says she. I think you might be on to something here...

    and having re-read The Book post, I think you may have given me ideas there too..

    'And then, what happens if you ask for it, but it turns out that you hate living it?' oh god,this scares me about EVERYTHING. Add that on top of being embarrassed to ask for ANYTHING anyway, and you have one tongued kitten!

    1. mc kitten,
      I gave you ideas?! Bad, it's a bad bad idea!! Lol.

      "Add that on top of being embarrassed to ask for ANYTHING anyway, and you have one tongued kitten!"
      I feel you there!

  3. I'm looking forward to your thoughts on what happens when you ask for it but then hate living it. Do you have a list online of your rules, btw?

    1. Aon,
      I'm not sure that I'm looking forward to those thoughts, lol.

      I do not have a list of my rules online. There's really only one, which becomes two, and covers every damn thing. Obey and please him.

  4. That is a very good story lil. You & Alpha are each other's first in this lifestyle? I like how He "fixed the problem" by saying you can only submit to him vs the alternatives (seperation etc) And from all you have written, it seems like he took to being a Dom/Master like he was born to do it.

    1. geekie kittie,
      yes, we are.

      He did take to it. Disturbingly well, I might add.

  5. Thank you for sharing such a personal experience.

    1. little girl,
      thank you for taking the time to read.

  6. Hey! Careful who's butt you cast aspersions on, Missy! My butt is perfectly suckable, tyvm.
    Although, in general monkey butts are nasty, so I understand your reference.

    Reading between the lines I have a good idea just how bleak and difficult that period might have been for you. I second little girl, thank you for sharing something so personal with us.

    1. lm,
      omg! Rotf!! Totally awesome. Do please accept my sincere (if laughter strangled) apology.

      Thank you.

  7. Thank you so much for answering. I'm so glad you made it through those hard times, though, to get to the here and now! We have also had our difficulties, most of them LONG ago and not M/s related, but it does feel good to be done with weathering that storm.

    1. ksst,
      I'm glad we made it through, too!

      This was kind of the final culmination of many other issues that were not M/s related. Either way, you're right--to be done with weathering that storm feels good.

  8. Hi Lil, thank you for sharing this. Wow, you and Alpha have come such a long way! We have discovered that rules need to be things that are important to him. If they aren't, accountability for adhering to them is lacking.

    I too am looking forward to your thoughts on what happens when you ask for it, then discover you hate living it.


    1. Roz,
      Yes, a rule just for the sake of itself is a terrible thing!

      I'm hoping that it doesn't end up being all about hating living it...More about choosing carefully. And hopefully I'm right. Lol.

  9. Thank you for sharing and for such honesty.

    I like the idea of the book. I will have to think about this, but I like the feeling of self-assessment, since everyone has times when their Dom isn't around.

    Love the blog-thanks for writing it!

    His Lady

    1. Aurora,
      For me, the book is very much about accountability. It is not nearly a comprehensive list, but is about the things which were huge issues in the past, or that I struggle with now.

      Of course, it's for him to read and the reckoning can be terribly painful....

      Glad you enjoy. Thank you.

  10. I can see why you hate that question, had me cringing and I'm just reading. But, it is what it is and thank goodness you're not there anymore!

    1. Misty,
      It's good to be so far from there, yes.Really really good.


Play nice.