Q & A Six--An Uncomfortable Question of History

Alright, this one is from ksst, and I'm going to be honest here: There are aspect of this question that I don't like one bit. In fact, I rather hate this question. Lol. Mostly because that time in my life sucked monkey butts and I'm not proud of my behavior. However, it was a legitimate and genuine question that deserves a post of its own.

"I'm very intrigued by his reaction to discovering you were playing around with D/s online. What were some of the rules he first implemented with you? Did he immediately declare you were his submissive? What was your reaction to that, if so? Or did it take a little bit of time before you both began calling it D/s?

Did you ever ask to have any particular rules instituted? How did he react? Was there any hindsight is 20/20 on that?" 

When he discovered that I was playing around online, he was royally pissed. He had asked at some point, you see--if I was screwing around, and I had lied. Repeatedly.
Our relationship had been a mess for some time at that point. Really, the year leading up to that was the worst time ever in our relationship, and we had seriously discussed going our separate ways. I make it sounds like a civil discussion, but it wasn't. None of it.

He said that if I wanted to submit, I would submit to him, and only him. I didn't want to. Online was easy. It didn't really matter to me if I pleased anyone, or actually did as I was told--when it came right down to it, I could do whatever the hell I wanted. If he was going to Dominate me, in our house, in real life, for realz...That was a scary thought because I knew it would be different.
Part of me was afraid that he would find out that I was more twisted than he knew, and couldn't handle it. Mostly though, I was afraid it would be real and I would have to actually submit, as opposed to just playing at it when the mood struck me. Yet...I did want it. I wanted it in a way that I was unfamiliar with wanting anything.

We started out strictly bedroom. I think this worked for a few reasons--the learning curve went better than it might have if we had just jumped all in, I wasn't really in a place to do as he told me outside of the bedroom, he was terribly pissed off at me, and did I mention that we were a real mess? I think that I was incapable of submitting outside of the bedroom a that point. One has to...Give over and give in. And I wasn't going to do that. Until I asked to expand beyond the bedroom, but then maybe we already had before I asked...

First rules...No lying. No contact with other Dominants. No online interactions at all, really--read but don't speak, basically.
I think that a few years went by before I typed one word online.
While I did a lot of silent reading, the start of this blog was the first time in years that I had uttered a word online.

I have, in fact, asked for certain rules to be instated. Sometimes he will institute them, and other times he will ignore the request completely. Then there are the times when he ignores it, then six months later, bam--there the damn thing is. That's usually because he felt that I wasn't initially ready for something.

There has been some hindsight is 20/20 in that, yes.
For one thing, there's absolutely no point in having and following a rule if it isn't in some way important to him. Even the rules that are just for me are there because he personally feels they are important in some way. I no longer feel that his implementing a rule which was my idea means that it's not important to him, because I know that he wouldn't even consider it if he didn't find it meaningful/important. I also now know that he won't implement a rule if he feels that I am not ready for it.
For two, one has to carefully consider how it will actually work if a rule is asked for and becomes a reality. Having a meltdown and falling on my face is never pretty. Especially if the whole crux of the matter is something that I asked for in the first place. And then, what happens if you ask for it, but it turns out that you hate living it?
I think that there will actually be more here on this concept soon because of circumstances around revising the book.

I hope that I have adequately answered your questions ksst. I am sorry that I didn't respond directly and clearly to all of your queries, but these memories are like a story to me, and I think that sometimes a little bit of the story is the best way to reach the answer.