Saturday, January 8, 2011

How we work

my backs gone out again and i woke up with a complimentary migraine, so my ramblings may be even more random than usual today lol.

Last night as M was rubbing my back (yes, He's a big sadistic meany but He loves me and love is good), he brought up how i have been thinking about how we got here and what made our relationship what it is today. The event He feels was our turning point really surprised me. He said that it was the birth of our children. He said that something about seeing me in so much pain and having that experience together (some people are graceful during childbirth and don't seem to regret the decision to go without drugs; me not so much lol), changed everything. Thinking back on it,  those really were the most bonding experiences we have ever had. He was amazing. It took our second child 69 hours to make his way into the world. twice as long as the first (they lied to me you know, everyone said the second would come quicker). i think M slept all of four hours and left my side for a whopping five minutes the whole time. He truly was amazing. i wonder if that was when He began to see beauty in pain. i would say that it doesn't really matter how we got here, but isn't the journey as important as where you're going?

So, what makes a vanilla to D/s marriage work? i really don't know honestly. i imagine much the same things that make any other D/s relationship function well. It's just important to realize the differences (if you're transitioning into D/s anyways). If you are married, it's safe to assume that you know each other well, have established routines, and have formed a foundation for the relationship. When you begin to transition the things you think you know about one another are challenged, your routines change, the foundation begins to shake and crack because it is changing shape. Over the previous years during life as you knew it, even if the marriage has been good, things have been done and said that cannot be taken back. When D/s is integrated, all that shit is going to come back up and probably bite you in the ass. That can be really rough stuff to deal with. Remember that foundation? It's already shaken and began changing shape so the things you thought you knew to be true before don't seem quite so infallible and solid any more. Things that didn't mean anything before have moved up in importance and things you thought mattered don't seem quite so big any more. But that's okay because one of the most beautiful things about ttwd seems to be that it is an ever evolving process of mutual growth (hopefully). It takes different forms for everyone. There's no one right way for everyone and many wrong ways. Every relationship is unique to its participants and so will take on different forms.

If i had to say what, in my humble opinion, are the two biggest keys to making it work, i would choose truth and acceptance. Once there is nothing left between you except for truth, the possibilities for expansion are limitless. Now, since you already have a relationship, a bunch of shit has happened over the years. Even if you have an open an honest relationship to begin with that is basically wonderful and happy, shining light into the corners is never pretty. For me it was the spotlight turning to my past indiscretions. Having to lie there next to Him and tell Him about particular things i did in painful detail, seeing how much i had hurt Him, letting Him into all the places i had locked tight in my mind. When you hit the point of absolute truth, it's make it or break it time. Your foundation is either going to crumble irreparably, dissolving your relationship; you are going to slam those doors tight and never open them again, or you are going to walk through the cobwebs until there is nothing left in the dark and you become closer than ever before.

So now that the light is shining, where onto from here? You are going to have to accept your better half for who and what they are. If you're submissive, you are going to have to accept that getting your way is not going to be as common place as it was before (yea, still working on that one lol). And most of all, you are going to have to accept that it's a learning curve for you both. It's uncharted territory in an endless ocean of possibility. As the submissive, i had to accept that how M chose to Dominate was not up to me regardless of what i thought the "right way" was. That's not to say He didn't/doesn't listen to me because He does and that's one of the things that makes this work for us. If He didn't listen to me, He wouldn't be able to get into my head the way He does. But anyways, M never let me or anyone else choose or mold for Him how and who He was going to be as a Dominant. That was difficult for me to accept at first, but once i did, things began clicking in a new way. A really lovely and surprising way.
Acceptance is a two way street. M may change and mold me in certain ways, but he accepts me for who and what i am. That's one of the things about the glaring light of unadulterated truth--i am not accepted for who i believe myself to be or who i want Him to think i am, i am accepted for who and what i am at the core of my being. i can tell Him anything and He will still love and accept me. There may be consequences and painful emotions. But that's okay because it makes us stronger. His ability to accept me as a whore, a queen, His wife, His property, His equal, His slave, a strong woman, a complete wreck, makes total truth easier. i know i am always safe because He knows all that i am and He loves me anyways.

So there's my take on what has made our transition from vanilla to D/s successful. Though i will probably write more in this vein because i'm finding it thought provoking. If you want M's take, you will have to ask Him for it lol. i'm sure some people will agree with me and others will disagree. And that's okay because we are all unique.


  1. lil,
    Thank you so much for writing this. As i was reading it, my head was nodding along, agreeing with most every line. This is very much what our experience has been, or is now. That's a little too easy though. I guess what i need to take away is that it really is a matter of just working at it, doing what we are doing, not looking for what we are missing or ought to be doing instead.

    I hope your back is "un-out" soon.

  2. Glad you liked it greengirl. Thanks for the inspiration. i enjoyed writing it, i loved M's reaction to it, and i have now thought of ten different things that could have been written into it lol. i'm sure i will write more in this general vein as the inspiration strikes.

  3. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings, you are definately an inspiration for others. Knowing that it can work.

  4. Reading that made me smile. Thanks for the comment on my blog, mostly cause now I found yours :)


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