Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Road to Redemption

I will be amazed if anyone makes it more than halfway through this ramble lol. I won't blame you for giving up. I promise.

And against my better advice you have decided to give it a go...

It's a long haul--the road to redemption. And I have been on it for a very long time.

This blog was my first foray back onto the internet after having done some very bad things and getting caught. We were falling apart and my secret antics weren't helping anything. Alpha had even given me permission to fuck around. With one condition--I had to tell Him.
Then I discovered I liked things I was afraid to admit to. And while I was at it, I managed to form a completely unrelated attachment to another man in a non D/s way.
Yea, lying is bad (in case anybody hadn't realized that. You know, my mistakes are your public service message lol). He read my IM's, the man I mentioned before called our house in the middle of the night, I had pretty much fucked up ten ways to the moon only skipping physical cheating on my way there.

In all fairness to me Alpha wasn't at His overall best either. He just dealt with and expressed our issues in different ways (hey, I sometimes find submission quite unfair, so if I want to be fair to myself on my blog, then pfbt).

This was about 5 years ago (I swear having children makes time blend together). And to this day I hate talking about it. I hate seeing the words on a page, I can't stand the feelings I get when I think about it.

Mostly? I hate seeing it on the page and knowing He will read it. And be reminded of what He already knows. And I will feel icky.

But this post isn't about my mistakes as much as it is about where we are now.

The start of this blog came with conditions.
I could roam blogland to my hearts content and comment wherever I wished. I could talk privately to subs as much as I wanted. He got access to everything. And there was to be no contact with other Dominants outside of blog comments--at all. And if I did, there better be a damn good and immediate explanation.

Some people will say I got off easy, and some will say these rules came from insecurity on Alpha's part. Quite frankly, I'll disagree with both stances. Because while our arrangement is not what I would call "fair," I do feel these conditions are just.

And in a way, I needed those rules to feel like I was on the path to redemption. When we first started ttwd, I thought He was just going to beat the crap out of me. Take the anger I knew He had been saving and let it go on my ass (because the man was far to calm. It was like when children are quiet--you just know bad things are coming).
Part of me wanted that very badly. But it didn't happen. Oh no, He eventually chose to go a much more painful route and continue on it for a very long time--He made me talk about it. At the most random and intimate moments, He would ask me questions about what I had been doing out here in the big wide world of the web.
And yea, I have a hard time even telling Him that I like something He's doing to me.

Over the course of the last five years, I have never requested to talk to another Dominant, I have never had any conversations or need to explain them. I never wanted to.

This is going to a far more innocent place than you think. Gimme some credit.

The other day I got an email response to a comment I left on a Dominant blog. Nothing really. A simple short response and the fact that He liked my blog.
And I wanted to respond to it. Because I have been reading there for a very long time. And I like that this person likes my blog.
And I don't really have much to say.

But I have to ask Alpha.

And the answer will tell me how far along I have come on my path to redemption.

It took me a little while to ask. Not because it would have really made a difference whether or not I could, but because saying no would mean that I hadn't earned back His trust.

Which, at this point? Would be pretty crushing to my little world.

I cannot hide anything from Him. Now this one is really weird, because it's hard to find words for the feeling I get when I even think about it...Icky maybe. A long time ago I learned that there is a feeling of filth you just can't wash off. It crawls under your skin, and consumes you from the inside out. This is going to make zero sense if you have never had an experience that made you feel this way; however, the feeling I am trying to describe is like a mild version of that in a very different way (told you to give up at the very beginning didn't I).

And I feel like my entire soul is bare to Him.

So for Him to doubt me would be...Absolutely shitty.

When you trust someone with more than your life, and they don't trust you in return...Well that's just fucked isn't it.

It's odd, this space I find myself in. How deeply He has gotten to me. How entwined I am in Him.

When I was done creating Mount Everest out of a single grain of sand (you can see why, no matter how short my little redemption trail could have been, it had to be long. Just 'cuz...)

I found out that I have made it a long way down this crazy road called redemption. And maybe His answer wasn't just about me, but my choice of who I wanted to talk to. Either way, it doesn't really matter.

Because we have finally gotten to that place where I am not just a whore. I am His whore. And that one little word makes all the difference in the world.

And if you made it all the way to this point (don't say I didn't warn you), you seriously deserve coffee. And probably chocolate too.
I have consumed massive amounts of both over the course of my road to redemption. 


  1. I did make my way all the way through and not to worry I am a major coffeeaholic so I was well under the influence of caffeine when I did.

    I apologize to you and him and will keep my comments all here in the future.

  2. Sir J, there is no need to apologize. Nor is there any need to keep your comments all here. You gave me an opportunity to see how far we had come. He doesn't mind and all is well.

  3. You have such a way with words lil. I'm glad things are now better for you. Now, where's that coffee and chocolate........ :)

    Dee x

  4. WOOT!!

    For the redemption too...


    But srsly honey, good job! Congratulations on the milestone.

    Now where's my coffee damnit...

  5. Congrats lil!

    It wasn't hard to read at all. (Just holding my breath the whole way in anticipation lol)

  6. Lil ty for sharing! I heard you handing out treats *smiles*
    Even when a post is long when it is interesting and enjoyed it is always worth it!

  7. I know that icky feeling- for me it is like when something horrible happens and you cry yourself to sleep and then you awaken trying to bbelieve it was just a bad dream only to realize, "No, i really f'd up!"
    Can i haz my chocolate now? ;)

  8. I made it!!! ;o) Bless your heart... what a struggle! Glad things are going better!!

    I'll take my chocolate and coffee now... xxx

  9. lil,
    I had coffee - and even some chocolate today - so you're off the hook. I think it's pretty damn impressive what you two have done. You were broken (always takes two to tango), and it sounds like you two have found a way to repair you, which is a hell of a lot more than most people do.

  10. i doff my holey little cap to you. It's a long road...but when you see the end? It's the best.


  11. I do know that icky feeling. And I too am on that road to redemption, we are not as far along as you both though. It's a tough road for sure. Congrats on making it this far! I have to say this was hard to read, but not because it was jumbly (because it wasn't), but because I can personally relate so deeply to what you wrote of.

    I think I'll go have that coffee and chocolate now, luckily I have both in my cupboard so no need to send some my way ;)

  12. I know that icky feeling too. The road to redemption is never easy, but my experience is it is worth the struggle to get to where you want to go. I really like the line about the difference between being a whore and being his whore, totally resonates with me.

  13. totally unrelated -- you got a lovely comment on one of your poems over on somesubtext.blogspot.com


  14. Dee, thank you. And I ate it all.

    Vixen, I said you deserved chocolate and coffee, not that I was sharing (greedy much?) lol.
    Thank you.

    cuddlykitten, thank you. I was not easy to write lol.

    Aluv, you are quite welcome. And see above regarding treates. I am a fairly generous person...Until it comes to coffee and chocolate lol.

    Mikki, ooh, you brought us chocolate and coffee? Yay! My greedy littl heart needs all the blessings it can get lol.

    gg, finally someone who doesn't want My coffee and chocolate lol.
    We really were broken. And as terrible as coming back from that road has been at times? It has made me see how green the grass really is on my side of the fence.

    pepper, seeing the end makes the trek well worth while. And why does your hat have holes in it?

    Alice, thank you. It really is a difficult suject to write about. But I strive for honesty and introspection here. Which is rarely pretty. It's a really tough road but one well worth traeling.
    And yay, one more person who doesn't want me to share. More for meeee!

    faerie, you're right--it is well worth the struggle. And it's amazing what a difference one little word makes isn't it.

    sfp, thanks for letting me know. It made me smile.

  15. viemora, not sure how I missed you the first time around here...Yes, you described the feeling exactly. Have some chocolate.

  16. my hat is holey because i'm a condiment, silly person. How else can i shake over things? lol!

    Have a lovely holiday, if you celebrate it!

  17. pepper, oh duh lol. I forget that you're a condimant sometimes!


Play nice.