It is interesting what we find when we pull away the layers of what we believe ourselves to be.
We see life in a new light when what we think is ugly becomes beautiful.
From an outside standpoint, tears are not pretty, pain is not graceful, and there is very little of what we call beauty in the raw state of being created when everything we think ourselves to be is stripped away.
Yet...There is beauty in the beast. Because stripping away the superficial takes away all that is impure, everything that is not truly real, and leaves us as we really are.
Underneath our fears, underneath everything we think we are are, behind what we want people to see, on the far side of darkness, beyond our inner scars and outer turmoil, there is beautiful and terrifying truth.
There is beauty in humiliation.
There is purification in pain.
There is freedom in bondage and control.
There is release in blood sweat, tears, and fear.
Daily life is very much about constructs--what we want people to see, who we think we are, the superficial aspects of reality wherein we place so much import.
But underneath it all, we are very basic and primal creatures.
Life is about birth, death, survival, love, joy, pain, blood, and tears.
So many of these things which to which we ascribe ugliness, are truly beautiful underneath the surface--because they transcend the superficial face that we place on our reality.
There is love in the sadist, and pleasure in the masochist.
There is freedom in slavery, and strength in submission.
There is danger in the beast, and safety at Master's feet.
There is blindness in the light, and purity in the darkness.
So much of what we spend time on and think about is superficial.
We get swept away by our need for survival, the demands of our cultures, our preconceived notions of beauty and propriety, the defining concepts of society, and the scars we carry from old wounds.
It becomes easy to forget that underneath it all, we are perfect beings struggling with being human.
Some of us want what we need, others need what we want.
And within all those struggles of being human, we forget the art of simply being.
There is ugliness in beauty, and there is beauty within every beast.
There is infinite release in being broken, and tender cruelty in the act of breaking.
There is cleanliness in BDSM, and denial in the pursuit of purity.
There is safety in vulnerability and danger behind walls.
I think that what is so attractive about the Master, is the seemingly conflicting fact that inside the white knight there lies a villain, within the rescuer lies one's abductor, and the purveyor of one's fears carries the ultimate security.
Perhaps what is attractive about the slave is placing the queen on her knees, the surrender when her will becomes one's own, the freedom of caging the untouchable, the beautiful truth that appears when she is stripped down to nothing more and nothing less than what she is--the owning of something truly wild and previously untouched by the world.
Sometimes, when we stop looking and close our eyes--we find that there is beauty in the beast.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Sunday, December 30, 2012
It's Not About the Easy Things Is It
While I do believe that D/s shouldn't be a constant struggle, I also believe that it is very much not about the easy things.
If we only submit to the which comes easy or pleases us, then we are just having fun for fun's sake. Which is fine, but it keeps the act just that--a superficial act designed for our pleasure. Not the enhancement and growth of D/s in our relationships, or a deeper level of power exchange.
It's not really power exchange if I retain my ability to pick and choose our activities, how far we will or will not go, what I will or will not accept.
I think back to the beginning, and all those times when I was so sure he was doing it wrong.
All those thoughts came from my efforts to control where we were at, where we were going, and how we were going to get there.
That's all a bit contrary to submission (see, I'm capable of understatement too).
Even in those cases where I want to be pushed further; challenged more; taken a step or two beyond what I am comfortable with; when he refuses to do so, that in itself is an expression of power exchange. Even though accepting it isn't always easy.
But after all, submission and slavery, for all their inherent simplicity, are not always about the easy things.
Limits are very much about the illusion of comfort, a safety net to keep us in our safety zones--sometimes they are there to keep things easy. Oftentimes, they exist for a very good reason, but sometimes they are just buffers used to keep us where we think we should be.
I accept that the limits he chooses are the limits I live within.
Since we have things in common that neither of us would ever do, there was never really any negotiation about limits for us. He allowed me to think I had my own for a number of years. Eventually the illusion faded, and I accepted that the only limits I have are the ones that he creates.
It's not always easy, but very little worth having or doing is actually easy.
I think I'm on the road to recovery--I seem to be capable of excess rambling thoughts once again!
And I'm pining for a fix I cannot name in one word, a dose of my drug of choice, a feeding for my addiction...And even in denial of those things, I am reminded of what I am.
I am a piece on the board of his game. The stakes are generally high, but the rewards can be great.
Because ultimately, ttwd is not about the easy things.
If we only submit to the which comes easy or pleases us, then we are just having fun for fun's sake. Which is fine, but it keeps the act just that--a superficial act designed for our pleasure. Not the enhancement and growth of D/s in our relationships, or a deeper level of power exchange.
It's not really power exchange if I retain my ability to pick and choose our activities, how far we will or will not go, what I will or will not accept.
I think back to the beginning, and all those times when I was so sure he was doing it wrong.
All those thoughts came from my efforts to control where we were at, where we were going, and how we were going to get there.
That's all a bit contrary to submission (see, I'm capable of understatement too).
Even in those cases where I want to be pushed further; challenged more; taken a step or two beyond what I am comfortable with; when he refuses to do so, that in itself is an expression of power exchange. Even though accepting it isn't always easy.
But after all, submission and slavery, for all their inherent simplicity, are not always about the easy things.
Limits are very much about the illusion of comfort, a safety net to keep us in our safety zones--sometimes they are there to keep things easy. Oftentimes, they exist for a very good reason, but sometimes they are just buffers used to keep us where we think we should be.
I accept that the limits he chooses are the limits I live within.
Since we have things in common that neither of us would ever do, there was never really any negotiation about limits for us. He allowed me to think I had my own for a number of years. Eventually the illusion faded, and I accepted that the only limits I have are the ones that he creates.
It's not always easy, but very little worth having or doing is actually easy.
I think I'm on the road to recovery--I seem to be capable of excess rambling thoughts once again!
And I'm pining for a fix I cannot name in one word, a dose of my drug of choice, a feeding for my addiction...And even in denial of those things, I am reminded of what I am.
I am a piece on the board of his game. The stakes are generally high, but the rewards can be great.
Because ultimately, ttwd is not about the easy things.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
A Very Cool Website
When we first began exploring ttwd, I found a website that I fell in love with.
While Alpha was not into reading everything my overzealous little fingers found, he did read quite a lot on that site, and we were both sad when we realized that it was no longer available.
But somebody saved her pages!
So, for anyone just starting out with D/s, who might have asked me where they could find good information, (or for anyone who hasn't asked for that matter) I recommend that you run over and check out the writings of Mistress Steel.
Steel's Chamber Scrolls (reprinted)
I am not familiar with the website's owner, and am far to busy getting acquainted with the couch to read his site right now, but I do know that the page I linked to with Mistress Steel's writing has a lot of great information written by her.
While Alpha was not into reading everything my overzealous little fingers found, he did read quite a lot on that site, and we were both sad when we realized that it was no longer available.
But somebody saved her pages!
So, for anyone just starting out with D/s, who might have asked me where they could find good information, (or for anyone who hasn't asked for that matter) I recommend that you run over and check out the writings of Mistress Steel.
Steel's Chamber Scrolls (reprinted)
I am not familiar with the website's owner, and am far to busy getting acquainted with the couch to read his site right now, but I do know that the page I linked to with Mistress Steel's writing has a lot of great information written by her.
Friday, December 28, 2012
Random Insanities from the Sick Ward
"Why don't we play anymore?" Said in my best sick voice. He leaned back and gave me a warning look (my germs were clearly getting too close for comfort).
Why exactly is it that the cravings set in when I can barely breath and have been pronounced contagious and untouchable?
Okay, so maybe they were setting in before lol. I made this small Christmas list you see. Think "Letter to Santa that you wouldn't want your mom to see. Ever."
He seemed to approve...Then eventually, he said "Get them."
Um...Here's the thing--both items were my idea. So if he was really interested, he would have ordered them right? And since he didn't, maybe he wasn't, so I didn't.
I'm sure that made perfect sense to someone...
Our undercurrents keep me steady. The subtle existence of power exchange keeps me sane through daily life. But sometimes? Sometimes I feel a bit like that little kid who wants to hang out at the playground. And yes, I have been known to drag my feet and beg for "Just a little bit more please?"
Of course, one must first get to go to the playground before begging to stay for more.
I'm trying to be good, but no one wants to play with a sick slut. Which would sound perfectly reasonable if said slut wasn't me lol.
Why exactly is it that the cravings set in when I can barely breath and have been pronounced contagious and untouchable?
Okay, so maybe they were setting in before lol. I made this small Christmas list you see. Think "Letter to Santa that you wouldn't want your mom to see. Ever."
He seemed to approve...Then eventually, he said "Get them."
Um...Here's the thing--both items were my idea. So if he was really interested, he would have ordered them right? And since he didn't, maybe he wasn't, so I didn't.
I'm sure that made perfect sense to someone...
Our undercurrents keep me steady. The subtle existence of power exchange keeps me sane through daily life. But sometimes? Sometimes I feel a bit like that little kid who wants to hang out at the playground. And yes, I have been known to drag my feet and beg for "Just a little bit more please?"
Of course, one must first get to go to the playground before begging to stay for more.
I'm trying to be good, but no one wants to play with a sick slut. Which would sound perfectly reasonable if said slut wasn't me lol.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Can we move straight on to Spring now?
This week, I have decided that life is the definition of insanity.
We spent Christmas at my moms, and the early afternoon was lovely. By late afternoon she was feeling quite ill, by evening she had proceeded into a minor breakdown and I ended up spending the night with her.
I'm worried about her health--both mental and physical.
Then after I got home, I got a call to work tomorrow, which I'm not complaining about because sadly, two days in one week is more than I have had all month. Though naturally, I seem to be getting sick for the first time in nearly a year...
And tomorrow morning, on the other side of the country, my niece has surgery to replace her pacemaker batteries and possibly one of the leads into her heart.
Did I mention that it's supposed to snow again tonight?
Isn't it Spring yet??
*Wanders off to drink copious amounts of medicine and possibly polish off a pie*
We spent Christmas at my moms, and the early afternoon was lovely. By late afternoon she was feeling quite ill, by evening she had proceeded into a minor breakdown and I ended up spending the night with her.
I'm worried about her health--both mental and physical.
Then after I got home, I got a call to work tomorrow, which I'm not complaining about because sadly, two days in one week is more than I have had all month. Though naturally, I seem to be getting sick for the first time in nearly a year...
And tomorrow morning, on the other side of the country, my niece has surgery to replace her pacemaker batteries and possibly one of the leads into her heart.
Did I mention that it's supposed to snow again tonight?
Isn't it Spring yet??
*Wanders off to drink copious amounts of medicine and possibly polish off a pie*
Monday, December 24, 2012
Formspring # 14, Happiness and Functioning Without A Dominant
"How do you satisfy yourself as a submissive without a Dom? It's like an overwhelming need, and I'm out of control, but since i don't have one...I need to somehow learn to be happy and function. Any advice?"
I never get questions that I know the answers to...
In all seriousness though, I have often heard that overwhelming need described as sub frenzy--"I need it, I need it all, and I need it now."
It's a pretty difficult and consuming place to be, and I think that many submissives experience it. Unfortunately, it can cloud our better judgement. It's a bit like being ruled by one's hormones as a teenager--there is so much new and wonderful to discover, that we pay less attention to self-preservation and reality than we do to the possibilities of getting what we want.
I think that it's important to find things that fulfill you as a person. One must own oneself and have a strong awareness of who they are before anyone else can own them and know them well enough to successfully Dominate them in a long term D/s relationship.
While I can see how your position could be difficult, you also have the opportunity to develop an understanding and knowledge of yourself and what you need before entering a D/s relationship.
My advice would be to focus on other things that make you happy, and work on coming to a deeper understanding of yourself.
Reality can be very different from the D/s we fantasize about, and the Dominant we build in our imaginations. When a D/s relationship is a thought form, it can be anything we want it to be--without the constraints and facts of reality.
In my opinion, keeping that fact in mind might help you to enjoy the reality that you have now, more than the reality you want in your future.
I doubt that many of us spend a whole lot of time swooning over the prospects of mopping and dirty socks.
I know that this was probably not extremely helpful, but your question was about something that I don't really have any experience with.
I have had a couple of Formspring questions where readers left brilliant comments that shed a tremendous amount of light on the subject.
Blogland tends to be a bit slow over the holidays, but I would advise checking back and seeing what others have to say.
Though I do think that, because submission and happiness are such individual things, you are ultimately the only person who can really figure out the answer to your question.
I never get questions that I know the answers to...
In all seriousness though, I have often heard that overwhelming need described as sub frenzy--"I need it, I need it all, and I need it now."
It's a pretty difficult and consuming place to be, and I think that many submissives experience it. Unfortunately, it can cloud our better judgement. It's a bit like being ruled by one's hormones as a teenager--there is so much new and wonderful to discover, that we pay less attention to self-preservation and reality than we do to the possibilities of getting what we want.
I think that it's important to find things that fulfill you as a person. One must own oneself and have a strong awareness of who they are before anyone else can own them and know them well enough to successfully Dominate them in a long term D/s relationship.
While I can see how your position could be difficult, you also have the opportunity to develop an understanding and knowledge of yourself and what you need before entering a D/s relationship.
My advice would be to focus on other things that make you happy, and work on coming to a deeper understanding of yourself.
Reality can be very different from the D/s we fantasize about, and the Dominant we build in our imaginations. When a D/s relationship is a thought form, it can be anything we want it to be--without the constraints and facts of reality.
In my opinion, keeping that fact in mind might help you to enjoy the reality that you have now, more than the reality you want in your future.
I doubt that many of us spend a whole lot of time swooning over the prospects of mopping and dirty socks.
I know that this was probably not extremely helpful, but your question was about something that I don't really have any experience with.
I have had a couple of Formspring questions where readers left brilliant comments that shed a tremendous amount of light on the subject.
Blogland tends to be a bit slow over the holidays, but I would advise checking back and seeing what others have to say.
Though I do think that, because submission and happiness are such individual things, you are ultimately the only person who can really figure out the answer to your question.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
December...
I'm not hugely fond of people. Therefore, it's not much of a surprise that I despise going anywhere in December.
After taking my mother to the doctor in a different town, driving back to her town, visiting four different stores, and temporarily forgetting where I parked, I retreated home vowing not to venture out again until Christmas. A vow which I was gleefully informed that I did not have the authority to make...
In short--December is kicking my butt.
In other news, being the property of a grade A procrastinator is going to put me in the looney bin.
Seriously, there has to be some submissive manual that clearly outlines the proper procedure wherein reminding does not become "nagging," and there's a happy compromise between my idea that things need to be done "right now, (but preferably yesterday)" and his approach that things can be done "a day or two after day after the day after that."
It's funny in print, but it is actually one of my biggest submissive struggles...
After taking my mother to the doctor in a different town, driving back to her town, visiting four different stores, and temporarily forgetting where I parked, I retreated home vowing not to venture out again until Christmas. A vow which I was gleefully informed that I did not have the authority to make...
In short--December is kicking my butt.
In other news, being the property of a grade A procrastinator is going to put me in the looney bin.
Seriously, there has to be some submissive manual that clearly outlines the proper procedure wherein reminding does not become "nagging," and there's a happy compromise between my idea that things need to be done "right now, (but preferably yesterday)" and his approach that things can be done "a day or two after day after the day after that."
It's funny in print, but it is actually one of my biggest submissive struggles...
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Him
Some days Alpha is all I can think about. Seriously--if I wasn't married to him, I might qualify as a stalker of the highest caliber.
His hands in my hair...
His voice whispering sternly in my ear
making me keep still by pure force of will.
His hand wrapping around my throat, the motion rough and commanding, his eyes curiously detached as he gauges how long to hold on.
The heat of his hand as it rests on my sex
daring me to show desire, and melt in his fire.
The sweet desire in his voice as he tells me that I am beautiful, and the smile on his face as I moan in pain.
The love and tenderness in his eyes as he as he tells me sweet nothings, and refuses to stop hurting me.
That moment when we are no longer separate, but become one and the same--my yin to his yang.
That moment when the world stops just for us as he tells me that I was made for him, and that I will be his for all time.
The way he reaches for my hand when he hears something sad, and the set of his shoulders when he is irrevocably mad.
How he pulls me in close like he owns me more than I could have ever owned myself.
The way he gently kisses my forehead before I leave the house, and softly whispers, "Mine."
He is my addiction, my drug of choice, my oasis in the desert.
He is everything that I live for and more.
I watch life slip by like grains of sand, but it stops with the touch of his hand.
We become the beginning and the end, souls entwined through and beyond time.
As he whispers softly, "You were made to be my slave, and you will be forever Mine."
His hands in my hair...
His voice whispering sternly in my ear
making me keep still by pure force of will.
His hand wrapping around my throat, the motion rough and commanding, his eyes curiously detached as he gauges how long to hold on.
The heat of his hand as it rests on my sex
daring me to show desire, and melt in his fire.
The sweet desire in his voice as he tells me that I am beautiful, and the smile on his face as I moan in pain.
The love and tenderness in his eyes as he as he tells me sweet nothings, and refuses to stop hurting me.
That moment when we are no longer separate, but become one and the same--my yin to his yang.
That moment when the world stops just for us as he tells me that I was made for him, and that I will be his for all time.
The way he reaches for my hand when he hears something sad, and the set of his shoulders when he is irrevocably mad.
How he pulls me in close like he owns me more than I could have ever owned myself.
The way he gently kisses my forehead before I leave the house, and softly whispers, "Mine."
He is my addiction, my drug of choice, my oasis in the desert.
He is everything that I live for and more.
I watch life slip by like grains of sand, but it stops with the touch of his hand.
We become the beginning and the end, souls entwined through and beyond time.
As he whispers softly, "You were made to be my slave, and you will be forever Mine."
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Today's Randomness...
"Self-conquest is really self-surrender. Yet before we can surrender
ourselves we must become ourselves. For no one can give up what he does
not possess."
-- Thomas Merton
I found this quote today, and totally fell in love with it (falling in love with a quote--complete dorkiness I know). And yes, I really want to be here complaining about a multitude of things that make me irritable, but hey, I found other inspiration so I'm going with it.
In a way, even though I pursued him, (a fact that he still happily reminds me of) Alpha has always been the leader in our relationship. He was an adult when we got together, and I was not. I had already moved out of my parents house, and understood a lot of life concepts that many adults struggle with, but there's no substitute for time spent living in the real world.
He was the leader, but we had consistent power struggles. I used to wonder why we didn't evolve into a power exchange relationship years before we actually did. But I think that quote sums part of it up quite well--you can't surrender yourself if you don't know who you are, and you cannot be owned by another if you have never truly owned yourself.
By the same token, those years we spent before D/s were also important for Alpha to fine tune his self-control.
Perhaps Dominants are born (a debate I'll leave for another day), but Masters are made. And that making takes time. Kind of like the quote above only opposite--one must first Master themselves before they can Master someone else.
That's my randomness for today--I'll save the complaint listings for tomorrow after hauling two kids to work in the snow lol.
And just because I liked it:
"The Master is an artist , His slave the clay, with the whip He
will shape her , with humility He will mold her, Some will admire
her, But only the Master, not even the slave, will know her true
beauty, for her true beauty lies in her love for her Master."
-J. Yednak-
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
I Want My Wife or Girlfriend to Submit, and How to Dominate A Submissive Woman
I have been musing about this post for a while now--it seems like a concept that would go nicely next to "I Want My Husband to Dominate Me."
I have gotten some visitors from search terms like, "how to dominate your submissive, make her submit, I want my girlfriend to submit, my wife wants me to dominate her, I want to dominate her, how to dominate a submissive woman, [and] I want my wife to submit".
So here's catering to keywords lol.
The thing is...I have far less confidence in this topic. But knowing (or not knowing), what I'm talking about hasn't stopped me before lol.
I think that this is a much trickier subject to address for a couple of reasons:
I have never been there and done that.
I think it is, depending on one's personal motivations, potentially far more hazardous for a relationship when one is on the side of seeking to gain control--not seeking to give it up.
So I'll go with my personal opinions (as usual), and I'll tackle this from the viewpoint of introducing D/s into an already established relationship.
I'm not a fan of "How to" manuals for ttwd, so please don't mistake this post as an attempt at such--it's just another one of my little soap boxes so kindly afforded me by the invention of blogging. Results, caffeine consumption, and mileage, will vary.
It's easy to think about wanting someone to submit. But if you want her to submit, you are going to have to Dominate her. And Dominating your wife or girlfriend is a whole awful lot of responsibility.
If you think that you can "Make her submit" with a snap of your fingers, you are sadly mistaken. Likewise, you cannot "Make" someone submissive--it's either there somewhere inside of them, or it isn't.
If you walk in the door after ten years of marriage, and announce that you want control and she'll be submitting to your whims from now on--chances are that you'll find yourself sleeping on the couch while your wife researches mental illness and tries to decide what drugs you might be on.
So think it through before you lay the concept of power exchange out on your kitchen table.
Do you want this to be something that stays in the bedroom and exists to spice up your sex life, or do you want it to become a way of life?
If you want it to be a bedroom activity, chances are that introducing a little here and there, is not going to throw off your established relationship. And it probably won't be that difficult--you try it out slow, see if she likes it or not, and go from there.
Living D/s is a lot more complicated because we can't close the doors on it in the morning.
Why do you want her to submit to you?
If your reasoning is just to get your way whenever you want, chances are that it will be an epic failure from the start.
In order for Dominance and submission to work in a relationship, it has to enhance and strengthen what we already have--not diminish and minimize who and what we are.
What does the concept of Dominance and submission mean to you?
I expect that this one can be a lifetime exploration, but it's good to get an early start on it. It is going to be very difficult to show her what you are seeking if you don't already have a general concept of it for yourself.
Are you willing to take on that much responsibility?
This question is a really big deal--the more power and control you exert, the more impact you have on someone's life. And the more impact you have, the more important your actions and choices become.
I think that selfishness has its place in Dominance, but you are asking another human being to place an inordinate amount of trust in you. This means that your actions must reflect the fact that their best interests are always kept in mind.
When you have the final say, when you choose her choices and bend her to your will, the amount of responsibility you carry grows tremendously. It is not always going to be an easy weight to bear.
The first step is to talk with your partner about Dominance and submission. If she is flat out against it, don't try to run her over and make her see the light via train--that is not going to work. Take it slow, give her time for the idea to sink in, and give her the space to actually consider it.
If she finds the idea attractive, you still want to take it slow. The deep end isn't going anywhere, and it is far better to test the water with your toes than it is to jump in head first and get badly burnt--especially when you are pulling your significant other in with you.
And for goodness sake, don't begin by spilling your darkest and most extreme fantasies to her--you want her to be interested and curious about learning more, not calling her mother and saying that you have gone off the deep end.
That's not to say that there is necessarily anything wrong with such fantasies--just that they are not the best jumping off point for fledgling power exchange.
So you have had your initial conversation, and she is amenable to introducing D/s into your relationship. Now what?
Controlling another human being is tricky business. First and foremost, it is based upon your control of yourself--if you cannot control yourself, you have no business in even attempting to control someone else.
This starts with you--your control of yourself, your expectations of yourself, the rules you follow yourself, the standards you hold yourself to, etc.
Be confident, but remember that you are not omnipotent.
It is extremely difficult to obey and follow someone who is not confident in their actions and the path they choose to lead us down.
On the other hand, you are human, and you will make mistakes as humans do. Hopefully not a great many because you are thinking carefully about what you do. But to err is human. Sometimes you will be wrong, and you will occasionally screw up.
The impact such events have on your relationship is largely based on how you deal with them--an admission to being wrong, and an apology go a lot further towards restoring trust than pretending that nothing went wrong in the first place. In fact, such pretenses merely compound the issue and eat away at your carefully built foundation of trust.
Be consistent! I don't think that can be said too much.
Don't take her to task for something one day, and then let the same thing go unnoticed the next. Because she will notice. Promise. She will test where exactly the boundaries are, and if those boundaries are constantly moving, she is not going to respect them.
If a directive is not important enough for you to be consistent about, it is not important enough for her to follow.
Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
I think that this is very important--don't make threats that you are not willing to follow through on, don't make statements that you are not willing to back up with actions, and do not make promises that you cannot keep.
If you are going to control her, or hurt her, or do whatever your idea of D/s is, she must be able to place a great deal of trust in you. Trust isn't (and shouldn't), be given blindly. There has to be a basis for it--one that shows submitting, for all its danger, is safe.
When your word is law, that word must also be true.
Base your Dominance on respect, not fear.
Personally, I get off on a bit of fear. But that's me, and years of knowing that Alpha will also save me from my fears. It is not a basis for our power exchange.
You don't want her to submit because she is afraid of you--you want her to submit because she respects you and you are worthy of that respect. And hopefully, because she discovers that she wants/needs it too, and has a desire to please you.
By the same token, if she believes that submitting to you means losing the respect you have for her, this road is probably going to lead to a dead-end. There are reasons that you love and live with this woman--you (hopefully), like her mind and respect her as a person. This has to show in your interactions.
Remember that you can do irreparable damage--both to your relationship, and to your partner.
Physical damage is a danger if you "play rough". But it is fairly easy to avoid with diligence and some gentle experimentation. The last thing you want to do is end up breaking her neck (I'm not joking. It has happened). Know your own strength, your "toys," and her physical limitations.
Psychological damage is more difficult to avoid, can be harder to immediately recognize, and has results that can be far more devastating than physical markings. If you damage her mind, you have done something with serious repercussions--you can't just put a band-aid on it and move on.
This is one of the reasons that taking things slowly is usually the best approach. And there's really no substitute for knowing someone well.
I asked Alpha for his input on this post, and he requested that I add a bit about what he calls cool down--most commonly known as aftercare. In other words, the importance of what happens after you "Play." This applies to both mental and physical activities.
How you take care of her afterwards will go a long way towards solidifying or damaging the relationship you are building. Most of us submissives cannot engage in intense BDSM activities and simply walk it off on our own. Well, we can--but it tends to be a rather unpleasant, and sometimes lengthy, process.
If you hurt her, she needs to know that you are capable of kindness; if you humiliate her, she needs to know that you still respect her; if you control her, she needs to know that she has surrendered of her own free will.
It is often more about what you do after, than it is about the actual activities themselves. It is a symbiotic process in which one aspect cannot succeed without the other.
Alpha likens it to the creation of a samurai sword (I asked if i could have one, he said no). It is a combination of heat and cold that tempers the blade. Too hot, and the blade warps. Too cold, and it breaks. A molecular change occurs in the tempering. There is an exact and delicate combination of heat and cold that creates the perfect blade--the cool-down process is critical.
So there's my ten cents on getting your wife or girlfriend to submit to you. I have never been Dominant in a relationship, and have no real concept of what it's like to live on that side of the fence. But I do know what garners my respect as a submissive, solidifies my faith in his ability to lead, and inspires me to submit.
While I do think that Dominants tend to not be quite as susceptible to comparison as us subs, it is important to remember that one cannot successfully model their relationship after someone else's.
Learning and research is great, and can give very useful insights. But everything you read is another person's perspective--it is about what works for them and their relationship.
It sounds corny, but what you're really seeking is inside you--outside experience and opinion is just a way to help light the path towards your own self-discovery.
I have gotten some visitors from search terms like, "how to dominate your submissive, make her submit, I want my girlfriend to submit, my wife wants me to dominate her, I want to dominate her, how to dominate a submissive woman, [and] I want my wife to submit".
So here's catering to keywords lol.
The thing is...I have far less confidence in this topic. But knowing (or not knowing), what I'm talking about hasn't stopped me before lol.
I think that this is a much trickier subject to address for a couple of reasons:
I have never been there and done that.
I think it is, depending on one's personal motivations, potentially far more hazardous for a relationship when one is on the side of seeking to gain control--not seeking to give it up.
So I'll go with my personal opinions (as usual), and I'll tackle this from the viewpoint of introducing D/s into an already established relationship.
I'm not a fan of "How to" manuals for ttwd, so please don't mistake this post as an attempt at such--it's just another one of my little soap boxes so kindly afforded me by the invention of blogging. Results, caffeine consumption, and mileage, will vary.
It's easy to think about wanting someone to submit. But if you want her to submit, you are going to have to Dominate her. And Dominating your wife or girlfriend is a whole awful lot of responsibility.
If you think that you can "Make her submit" with a snap of your fingers, you are sadly mistaken. Likewise, you cannot "Make" someone submissive--it's either there somewhere inside of them, or it isn't.
If you walk in the door after ten years of marriage, and announce that you want control and she'll be submitting to your whims from now on--chances are that you'll find yourself sleeping on the couch while your wife researches mental illness and tries to decide what drugs you might be on.
So think it through before you lay the concept of power exchange out on your kitchen table.
Do you want this to be something that stays in the bedroom and exists to spice up your sex life, or do you want it to become a way of life?
If you want it to be a bedroom activity, chances are that introducing a little here and there, is not going to throw off your established relationship. And it probably won't be that difficult--you try it out slow, see if she likes it or not, and go from there.
Living D/s is a lot more complicated because we can't close the doors on it in the morning.
Why do you want her to submit to you?
If your reasoning is just to get your way whenever you want, chances are that it will be an epic failure from the start.
In order for Dominance and submission to work in a relationship, it has to enhance and strengthen what we already have--not diminish and minimize who and what we are.
What does the concept of Dominance and submission mean to you?
I expect that this one can be a lifetime exploration, but it's good to get an early start on it. It is going to be very difficult to show her what you are seeking if you don't already have a general concept of it for yourself.
Are you willing to take on that much responsibility?
This question is a really big deal--the more power and control you exert, the more impact you have on someone's life. And the more impact you have, the more important your actions and choices become.
I think that selfishness has its place in Dominance, but you are asking another human being to place an inordinate amount of trust in you. This means that your actions must reflect the fact that their best interests are always kept in mind.
When you have the final say, when you choose her choices and bend her to your will, the amount of responsibility you carry grows tremendously. It is not always going to be an easy weight to bear.
The first step is to talk with your partner about Dominance and submission. If she is flat out against it, don't try to run her over and make her see the light via train--that is not going to work. Take it slow, give her time for the idea to sink in, and give her the space to actually consider it.
If she finds the idea attractive, you still want to take it slow. The deep end isn't going anywhere, and it is far better to test the water with your toes than it is to jump in head first and get badly burnt--especially when you are pulling your significant other in with you.
And for goodness sake, don't begin by spilling your darkest and most extreme fantasies to her--you want her to be interested and curious about learning more, not calling her mother and saying that you have gone off the deep end.
That's not to say that there is necessarily anything wrong with such fantasies--just that they are not the best jumping off point for fledgling power exchange.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So you have had your initial conversation, and she is amenable to introducing D/s into your relationship. Now what?
Controlling another human being is tricky business. First and foremost, it is based upon your control of yourself--if you cannot control yourself, you have no business in even attempting to control someone else.
This starts with you--your control of yourself, your expectations of yourself, the rules you follow yourself, the standards you hold yourself to, etc.
Be confident, but remember that you are not omnipotent.
It is extremely difficult to obey and follow someone who is not confident in their actions and the path they choose to lead us down.
On the other hand, you are human, and you will make mistakes as humans do. Hopefully not a great many because you are thinking carefully about what you do. But to err is human. Sometimes you will be wrong, and you will occasionally screw up.
The impact such events have on your relationship is largely based on how you deal with them--an admission to being wrong, and an apology go a lot further towards restoring trust than pretending that nothing went wrong in the first place. In fact, such pretenses merely compound the issue and eat away at your carefully built foundation of trust.
Be consistent! I don't think that can be said too much.
Don't take her to task for something one day, and then let the same thing go unnoticed the next. Because she will notice. Promise. She will test where exactly the boundaries are, and if those boundaries are constantly moving, she is not going to respect them.
If a directive is not important enough for you to be consistent about, it is not important enough for her to follow.
Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
I think that this is very important--don't make threats that you are not willing to follow through on, don't make statements that you are not willing to back up with actions, and do not make promises that you cannot keep.
If you are going to control her, or hurt her, or do whatever your idea of D/s is, she must be able to place a great deal of trust in you. Trust isn't (and shouldn't), be given blindly. There has to be a basis for it--one that shows submitting, for all its danger, is safe.
When your word is law, that word must also be true.
Base your Dominance on respect, not fear.
Personally, I get off on a bit of fear. But that's me, and years of knowing that Alpha will also save me from my fears. It is not a basis for our power exchange.
You don't want her to submit because she is afraid of you--you want her to submit because she respects you and you are worthy of that respect. And hopefully, because she discovers that she wants/needs it too, and has a desire to please you.
By the same token, if she believes that submitting to you means losing the respect you have for her, this road is probably going to lead to a dead-end. There are reasons that you love and live with this woman--you (hopefully), like her mind and respect her as a person. This has to show in your interactions.
Remember that you can do irreparable damage--both to your relationship, and to your partner.
Physical damage is a danger if you "play rough". But it is fairly easy to avoid with diligence and some gentle experimentation. The last thing you want to do is end up breaking her neck (I'm not joking. It has happened). Know your own strength, your "toys," and her physical limitations.
Psychological damage is more difficult to avoid, can be harder to immediately recognize, and has results that can be far more devastating than physical markings. If you damage her mind, you have done something with serious repercussions--you can't just put a band-aid on it and move on.
This is one of the reasons that taking things slowly is usually the best approach. And there's really no substitute for knowing someone well.
I asked Alpha for his input on this post, and he requested that I add a bit about what he calls cool down--most commonly known as aftercare. In other words, the importance of what happens after you "Play." This applies to both mental and physical activities.
How you take care of her afterwards will go a long way towards solidifying or damaging the relationship you are building. Most of us submissives cannot engage in intense BDSM activities and simply walk it off on our own. Well, we can--but it tends to be a rather unpleasant, and sometimes lengthy, process.
If you hurt her, she needs to know that you are capable of kindness; if you humiliate her, she needs to know that you still respect her; if you control her, she needs to know that she has surrendered of her own free will.
It is often more about what you do after, than it is about the actual activities themselves. It is a symbiotic process in which one aspect cannot succeed without the other.
Alpha likens it to the creation of a samurai sword (I asked if i could have one, he said no). It is a combination of heat and cold that tempers the blade. Too hot, and the blade warps. Too cold, and it breaks. A molecular change occurs in the tempering. There is an exact and delicate combination of heat and cold that creates the perfect blade--the cool-down process is critical.
"To fashion these blades, the smith not only must
possess physical strength, but also patience, dexterity, and a refined
eye for the limits of the material and the beauty of a finished sword."
--Edward Hunter
"It has
been said that the samurai's sword was his soul. Perhaps this deep
attachment had something to do with the perfect melding of form and function
found in the katana, as the famous
curved sword is known in Japan. Invented a millennium ago, the katana remains a marvel of aesthetic beauty and skillful
engineering."
—Rima Chaddha and Audrey Resutek
So there's my ten cents on getting your wife or girlfriend to submit to you. I have never been Dominant in a relationship, and have no real concept of what it's like to live on that side of the fence. But I do know what garners my respect as a submissive, solidifies my faith in his ability to lead, and inspires me to submit.
While I do think that Dominants tend to not be quite as susceptible to comparison as us subs, it is important to remember that one cannot successfully model their relationship after someone else's.
Learning and research is great, and can give very useful insights. But everything you read is another person's perspective--it is about what works for them and their relationship.
It sounds corny, but what you're really seeking is inside you--outside experience and opinion is just a way to help light the path towards your own self-discovery.
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Tender Cruelty
Begging for tender cruelties
I am the voice of beauty and pain
begging to drown screaming in your rain
begging to be led
and dragged to your bed.
I am the un-sated desire
an ever raging fire
the voice that speaks in your dreams
begging for beautiful and obscene things.
I am the voice that whispers quietly in the night
I am the one bound to your dreams
I am the one who would set the beast free
begging sweetly for tender cruelty.
I am the voice of surrender and pain
I am the drops of rain as they fall upon your face
I am alive in the cold winter's night
I am the darkness inside every light.
I slip into your dreams
and set the beast free
begging softly for tender cruelty.
I am the beginning and the end
as your darkest desires
whisper in my head.
I am everything we fear ourselves to be
yet you dreamed me into your reality.
Here I walk
somewhere between life and death
A soft breath
whispering in your ear
that we are everything we love and fear.
I am your darkest desires
bound by a thread
I am the whore in your bed,
all your desires waiting to be fed.
Beauty and pain
become one and the same
as I beg
for tender cruelty.
Friday, December 7, 2012
Keywords Revisited
Okay, I admit it--I keep a post in my drafts folder for these. But seriously, some of this stuff is too good to let go.
Most in this round aren't that funny, but some of them did make me raise my eyebrows (I'll admit that isn't very difficult).
"Pregnant submissive no electricity."
Oh good lord...I can't even poke fun at that one. That would be so totally crappy...I'm sorry?
"Sexy one liners submissive."
Well hmm, who's uttering the one-liners? I do like to think that people can come up with those on their own...I doubt they found anything useful here lol.
"Arrogant submissive."
Geeze...I clearly don't know what I'm doing. I don't feel arrogant...I'm only slightly offended though--after all, I usually am right.
"Definition monogamous whore."
Ooh, I like this one! Honestly, that's all I have--I can't even think of anything to joke about with this one because I know which post got them here.
"Things to fuck your submissive with."
Correct me if I'm wrong here, but isn't inventiveness the whole point of such experiments...?
"Why I sent my husband to the whore."
Uh...Well, I must admit to some curiosity here--why did she send her husband to the whore?
And my very favorite, that called out loudly to the cynic in me:
"I want a submissive."
Oh by all means, it's easy! We all line up in the store windows on the third Thursday of every month. We're like a box full of kittens just waiting to come home andscratch your eyes out cuddle up to your feet.
I'll just leave the whole "French toast mindfuck" visitor behind me without further commentary...
Most in this round aren't that funny, but some of them did make me raise my eyebrows (I'll admit that isn't very difficult).
"Pregnant submissive no electricity."
Oh good lord...I can't even poke fun at that one. That would be so totally crappy...I'm sorry?
"Sexy one liners submissive."
Well hmm, who's uttering the one-liners? I do like to think that people can come up with those on their own...I doubt they found anything useful here lol.
"Arrogant submissive."
Geeze...I clearly don't know what I'm doing. I don't feel arrogant...I'm only slightly offended though--after all, I usually am right.
"Definition monogamous whore."
Ooh, I like this one! Honestly, that's all I have--I can't even think of anything to joke about with this one because I know which post got them here.
"Things to fuck your submissive with."
Correct me if I'm wrong here, but isn't inventiveness the whole point of such experiments...?
"Why I sent my husband to the whore."
Uh...Well, I must admit to some curiosity here--why did she send her husband to the whore?
And my very favorite, that called out loudly to the cynic in me:
"I want a submissive."
Oh by all means, it's easy! We all line up in the store windows on the third Thursday of every month. We're like a box full of kittens just waiting to come home and
I'll just leave the whole "French toast mindfuck" visitor behind me without further commentary...
Thursday, December 6, 2012
The Great Online Cookie Exchange Extravaganza--Orange Cake
Thanks to Jz for continuing to organize this delicious event!
I'm not good with cookies, but I am good with cake. So I decided to share a recipe for orange cake with an orange curd filling. There was a rumble of protest from Alpha regarding giving away family secrets...But he let me play anyways.
The most important thing about this cake (and the curd), is to squeeze the citrus yourself--do not use pre-made juice!
Ideally, the curd should be made a day in advance of assembling the cake. It can also be made with lemon instead. No additional changes to the recipe are necessary as it was originally a lemon curd.
Orange Curd:
8 large egg yolks
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup less 1 tablespoon orange juice
1 tablespoon lemon juice
Finely grated zest of 1 orange
6 tablespoons cold unsalted butter cut into pieces
Whisk egg yolks and sugar together in a medium sized heavy bottom pan until smooth. Add lemon juice, orange juice, and zest. Place pan on medium heat and add butter, stirring occasionally until smooth and thickened (about 15 minutes). Remove from heat and place plastic wrap directly on surface of curd to prevent it from forming a skin. Refrigerate at least three hours--overnight is better.
Orange cake:
Preheat oven to 375 degrees Fahrenheit. Grease and flour two 9" cake pans
Zest of 1 orange
1 1/2 cups sugar
3/4 cup cup butter
3 eggs
3 cups cake flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
3 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
Combine:
1 cup orange juice
2 tablespoons lemon juice
Combine orange zest, sugar, and butter. Cream until light and fluffy. Beat in eggs one at a time.
In a separate bowl, combine flour, salt, and baking powder. Add the dry ingredients in three parts, alternating with the liquid. Beat batter until smooth after each addition.
Pour into prepared pans and bake for 1/2 an hour, or until a toothpick inserted into the center comes out clean.
Cool completely before assembling cakes with curd in the center.
I like this cake with a cream cheese frosting. Though I have never bothered to measure, so all ingredients are to taste. It's also perfectly delicious with a regular butter-cream frosting--just add a bit of orange zest. Either way, I would recommend that you avoid making it too sugary, as the orange curd is quite sweet.
Icing:
Cream cheese
half as much butter as cream cheese
generous amount of orange zest
powdered sugar
Below are the links to the other participants in the cookie exchange. Enjoy browsing all the goodies!
Advizor54
I'm not good with cookies, but I am good with cake. So I decided to share a recipe for orange cake with an orange curd filling. There was a rumble of protest from Alpha regarding giving away family secrets...But he let me play anyways.
The most important thing about this cake (and the curd), is to squeeze the citrus yourself--do not use pre-made juice!
Ideally, the curd should be made a day in advance of assembling the cake. It can also be made with lemon instead. No additional changes to the recipe are necessary as it was originally a lemon curd.
Orange Curd:
8 large egg yolks
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup less 1 tablespoon orange juice
1 tablespoon lemon juice
Finely grated zest of 1 orange
6 tablespoons cold unsalted butter cut into pieces
Whisk egg yolks and sugar together in a medium sized heavy bottom pan until smooth. Add lemon juice, orange juice, and zest. Place pan on medium heat and add butter, stirring occasionally until smooth and thickened (about 15 minutes). Remove from heat and place plastic wrap directly on surface of curd to prevent it from forming a skin. Refrigerate at least three hours--overnight is better.
Orange cake:
Preheat oven to 375 degrees Fahrenheit. Grease and flour two 9" cake pans
Zest of 1 orange
1 1/2 cups sugar
3/4 cup cup butter
3 eggs
3 cups cake flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
3 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
Combine:
1 cup orange juice
2 tablespoons lemon juice
Combine orange zest, sugar, and butter. Cream until light and fluffy. Beat in eggs one at a time.
In a separate bowl, combine flour, salt, and baking powder. Add the dry ingredients in three parts, alternating with the liquid. Beat batter until smooth after each addition.
Pour into prepared pans and bake for 1/2 an hour, or until a toothpick inserted into the center comes out clean.
Cool completely before assembling cakes with curd in the center.
I like this cake with a cream cheese frosting. Though I have never bothered to measure, so all ingredients are to taste. It's also perfectly delicious with a regular butter-cream frosting--just add a bit of orange zest. Either way, I would recommend that you avoid making it too sugary, as the orange curd is quite sweet.
Icing:
Cream cheese
half as much butter as cream cheese
generous amount of orange zest
powdered sugar
Below are the links to the other participants in the cookie exchange. Enjoy browsing all the goodies!
Advizor54
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Who Owns Submission?
I use the term "My submission" fairly often. But while I do tend to phrase it that way, I have learned that it's not mine. It is Alpha's.
That's a tricky switch over in thought. But I think it is very much like dictating the terms of my submission. It leads to thought forms about how I should submit, instead of simply doing it how he wants.
If submission was mine, there would probably be very few 10 PM back rubs, no headache sex, no going to the Post Office, very little stepping outside my comfort zone, you get the picture--if it was mine I would do the things that I like to do.
And what exactly would be the point in that? For us, there really wouldn't be one. It would be a game for fun, and little else.
I happen to not subscribe to the school of thought that submission is a gift. Alpha believes differently, and maybe those differing views are part of what make ttwd work for us.
Though that is a post of it's own...
Despite our different opinions on the matter, we both agree that submission isn't really mine--it's his. Gift or not.
I think that entering a relationship with the opinion that submission belongs to the submissive is healthy. An important safety net of sorts perhaps.
But if we hold to tightly to that approach, then we never actually surrender. We submit, we offer lip service to exchanging power, but we don't actually do it.
If we keep submission as our own, we remain in control.
In my opinion, submission begins as a choice. It's a choice we make every day during every interaction.
For some of us, we make that choice over and over for a lifetime. For others, there comes a point where we don't make that choice anymore, or as often--it just is.
I don't believe that one is better than another, they are what they are. And hopefully, the path we walk is the one that works best in our relationship.
If submission is the path to surrender, yet we hold tightly to it as being something of our own, we make complete surrender an impossibility. And in doing so, we keep ourselves from exploring an entire world of possibility.
He owns me. Therefore, it only makes sense that he owns my submission. It's a theory that is easier stated than lived, but I do believe it to be true.
That's a tricky switch over in thought. But I think it is very much like dictating the terms of my submission. It leads to thought forms about how I should submit, instead of simply doing it how he wants.
If submission was mine, there would probably be very few 10 PM back rubs, no headache sex, no going to the Post Office, very little stepping outside my comfort zone, you get the picture--if it was mine I would do the things that I like to do.
And what exactly would be the point in that? For us, there really wouldn't be one. It would be a game for fun, and little else.
I happen to not subscribe to the school of thought that submission is a gift. Alpha believes differently, and maybe those differing views are part of what make ttwd work for us.
Though that is a post of it's own...
Despite our different opinions on the matter, we both agree that submission isn't really mine--it's his. Gift or not.
I think that entering a relationship with the opinion that submission belongs to the submissive is healthy. An important safety net of sorts perhaps.
But if we hold to tightly to that approach, then we never actually surrender. We submit, we offer lip service to exchanging power, but we don't actually do it.
If we keep submission as our own, we remain in control.
In my opinion, submission begins as a choice. It's a choice we make every day during every interaction.
For some of us, we make that choice over and over for a lifetime. For others, there comes a point where we don't make that choice anymore, or as often--it just is.
I don't believe that one is better than another, they are what they are. And hopefully, the path we walk is the one that works best in our relationship.
If submission is the path to surrender, yet we hold tightly to it as being something of our own, we make complete surrender an impossibility. And in doing so, we keep ourselves from exploring an entire world of possibility.
He owns me. Therefore, it only makes sense that he owns my submission. It's a theory that is easier stated than lived, but I do believe it to be true.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Life Without Punishment
Life without punishment...
It doesn't sound very twue Master/slaverly does it? Maybe it's not, who knows (I'm sure someone out there thinks that they do).
Alpha doesn't punish me anymore.
Yes, there is usually instant discipline, but according to him, it's not punishment. You figure that one out on your own lol.
Send me the memo when you're done unraveling the mysteries of Masters.
I was sure that my brain circuitry was frying during that first few months. I may have even occasionally been aunspeakable bitch bit of a brat--just to see if I could get him to change his mind you know.
Yea...Once the man has made up his mind, no amount of snark or begging is going to change it.
But I have to admit that this whole "No punishment for lil," approach has accomplished a couple of things--there is no more acting out to feed a need for pain.
And I spend more time obsessing about correcting my own mistakes, and far less time thinking about what he should be doing about them.
I do still struggle in regards to equating punishment with care though--if he doesn't punish me, does he actually give a crap what I do?
Oh hush--logic has no place here!
His reply to such statements is usually something along the lines of, "Of course I care. I just want you to be a good girl and do as you're told because you want to please me, not because you'll be punished if you don't."
I have to admit, that sounds terribly logical...
But wait! I cannot allow something as clear and basic as logic to make sense! Oh no...Because then I would feel silly about my illogical little mind.
I do still have what I so affectionately named, "The punishment book." Of course, naming it that didn't magically bring back the punishment system. But it has helped me to remember the things I forget and hold myself accountable for them.
Though I must say, holding oneself accountable is a hell of a lot more difficult than having someone else do it for you.
It doesn't sound very twue Master/slaverly does it? Maybe it's not, who knows (I'm sure someone out there thinks that they do).
Alpha doesn't punish me anymore.
Yes, there is usually instant discipline, but according to him, it's not punishment. You figure that one out on your own lol.
Send me the memo when you're done unraveling the mysteries of Masters.
I was sure that my brain circuitry was frying during that first few months. I may have even occasionally been a
Yea...Once the man has made up his mind, no amount of snark or begging is going to change it.
But I have to admit that this whole "No punishment for lil," approach has accomplished a couple of things--there is no more acting out to feed a need for pain.
And I spend more time obsessing about correcting my own mistakes, and far less time thinking about what he should be doing about them.
I do still struggle in regards to equating punishment with care though--if he doesn't punish me, does he actually give a crap what I do?
Oh hush--logic has no place here!
His reply to such statements is usually something along the lines of, "Of course I care. I just want you to be a good girl and do as you're told because you want to please me, not because you'll be punished if you don't."
I have to admit, that sounds terribly logical...
But wait! I cannot allow something as clear and basic as logic to make sense! Oh no...Because then I would feel silly about my illogical little mind.
I do still have what I so affectionately named, "The punishment book." Of course, naming it that didn't magically bring back the punishment system. But it has helped me to remember the things I forget and hold myself accountable for them.
Though I must say, holding oneself accountable is a hell of a lot more difficult than having someone else do it for you.
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