I have this not so little issue...
I can't enjoy sex if I can't go into sub-space. Yes, there are plenty of times that I can get off on the fact that he is taking what he wants whether I want it or not. But it is not a given.
That space? Sometimes that space comes easy.
Sometimes I just can't go down to save my life. And I always need help to get there. No matter how badly I want it.
I was having a terrible time of it the other night, I just couldn't let go enough to really go under.
We were lying together afterwards when, in a surprisingly gentle manner, he said, "How silly is it to want to be made to do what you want to do?"
Well, if you want to put it like that...It does seem pretty damn silly.
Since when do logic and I play nicely though?
It did get me to thinking about that high maintenance need I have to be hunted, conquered, forced to do that which I do not want to do, and made to do what I wanted to do in the first place.
I realize that, for me at least, it is much easier to reconcile certain things in my mind if I can tell myself that he made me do them. Therefore absolving myself of some responsibility for events.
Not saying that is the best approach or anything, but it is a truth that I have observed myself replay time and time again.
I believe that submission must come from an inner desire that leads to a conscious choice, made of one's own free will. That choice giving one the ability to go to a place of unconscious surrender where there is no longer thought, choice, or a will of one's own--just being.
Somehow though, that belief does not cure me of the desire to be forced into what I want...