I have this not so little issue...
I can't enjoy sex if I can't go into sub-space. Yes, there are plenty of times that I can get off on the fact that he is taking what he wants whether I want it or not. But it is not a given.
That space? Sometimes that space comes easy.
Sometimes I just can't go down to save my life. And I always need help to get there. No matter how badly I want it.
I was having a terrible time of it the other night, I just couldn't let go enough to really go under.
We were lying together afterwards when, in a surprisingly gentle manner, he said, "How silly is it to want to be made to do what you want to do?"
Well, if you want to put it like that...It does seem pretty damn silly.
Since when do logic and I play nicely though?
It did get me to thinking about that high maintenance need I have to be hunted, conquered, forced to do that which I do not want to do, and made to do what I wanted to do in the first place.
I realize that, for me at least, it is much easier to reconcile certain things in my mind if I can tell myself that he made me do them. Therefore absolving myself of some responsibility for events.
Not saying that is the best approach or anything, but it is a truth that I have observed myself replay time and time again.
I believe that submission must come from an inner desire that leads to a conscious choice, made of one's own free will. That choice giving one the ability to go to a place of unconscious surrender where there is no longer thought, choice, or a will of one's own--just being.
Somehow though, that belief does not cure me of the desire to be forced into what I want...
Wow lil! I could have written this myself. I know it may not be the best approach, but I have long shamed myself for the things that I desire and it is easier for me to resolve them in my mind if he is the evil, twisted one (not that I think Daddy is either...well sometimes! lol)and I was merely forced on the ride with him. I am slowly trying to come to terms with it and handle it differently, but that being said, there is still a need for me to use this very tactic.
ReplyDeleteI have no real advice. Just know that you are not alone in your thinking.
hugs
bg
baby girl,
DeleteIt's always nice to know that one isn't alone.
Truthfully, this is something that I thought I might "get over" some time ago.
Dunno, I guess there's probably a happy medium in there somewhere...
I don't usually go into subspace, but this morning, once again, my body/brain refused to cooperate and become aroused until he started slapping me in the face. Then- orgasm city- we have arrived!
ReplyDeleteI also know all about wanting to be forced to do what you want to do anyway. It came down to 2 reasons:
1. It is hotter that way
2. Less guilt- you know that nagging childhood voice of "Good girls don't..."
ksst,
Deletelol @ number 1. I have to agree with that.
Number 2 has merit for me as well...
I wouldnt say its silly lil, perhaps it might be worth having some self reflection, discussion with Alpha on why its this way..triggers etc.
ReplyDeleteI completley understand the reasoning of being made to do it, resolves that conflict of actually admitting and embracing that really your loving it, i find it painfully difficult when he sits me down and interrogates me into telling him and admitting that i like these 'horrid, nasty, humiliating' things.
Force is nice, i believe its a kink in its own right, sure not something everyone will get, however it does cause its issues because sometimes he doesnt want me 'fighting' against it, he wants my obedience, and the logical part of me understands that, but sometimes i just cant reconcile with that and its a struggle.
x
tori,
Deleteit really does resolve that internal conflict.
I think that your last paragraph really sums up the issues that result from that "force me" kink--they (reasonably) don't always want to fight for what is already theirs.
"It did get me to thinking about that high maintenance need I have to be hunted, conquered, forced to do that which I do not want to do, and made to do what I wanted to do in the first place."
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I are new to all of this. What you wrote summed it up perfectly as to how I feel about it. He is having a hard time understanding why I want these things. I feel so silly trying to explain it. I have spent some time reading your blog and everything you have said rings true.
Trish,
Deleteit never ceases to amaze me how the simplest things can be the most difficult to communicate!
Don't give up, good luck!