"How do you separate marriage/family life from the D/s life?
husband is concerned about this, his biggest concern being, he doesn't
want our daughter (5) to grow up and marry a controlling/borderline
abusive man. I tried to explain to him that their is a huge difference
between abusive and D/s. Obviously nothing intense would go on in front
of her, and there can be a place where he can correct me if need be, and
it wouldn't be in front of the kids, not even intense stuff. He comes
from an abusive background (his father was terrible) and I the opposite
(sort of). He can't understand the need/want for this. I think thats the
hardest thing to explain...LOL. He said he would never slap me across
the face, but honestly, the thought lights up my eyes like a kid in a
Honestly, I have no clue how one would go about separating D/s from marriage/family life because it is something that has become so entwined in mine.
The best idea I have there is to keep it in the bedroom, and even at that, it is still part of your marriage.
I think that at first, D/s is often something we do. The lines are nice and clear--I will do this, I won't do that, it stays in the bedroom, etc.
Then over time those nice sharp lines in the sand get eroded and begin to move. When that happens, it is no longer easy to compartmentalize things into categories like D/s, marriage, family. Because power exchange lies somewhere underneath and inside of all those things.
The simplest solution I can offer really is to just keep it in the bedroom, but observation and past experience have led me to believe that it can be rather difficult to keep D/s confined to one room of your life.
I am going to go with my own interpretation, and approach this
question from a slightly different angle. If I get it all wrong, I can
always do another post right?
I see your question as being about how you can be in a power exchange relationship without adversely impacting your daughter, and how to convince your husband that being your Dominant does not make him abusive. I think these two questions actually tie into each other in a way.
As I said before, if I'm coming at this all wrong, I'll do it again, K?
I think that D/s and children can be a very touchy subject, and answers may vary widely depending on who you ask.
We have 2 boys. Now, one of our responsibilities as parents, is to make sure that they grow into good men. And they learned at a very early age that it is not acceptable to hit women (yes, not even that wicked little girl throwing rocks at you and chasing you with a stick), mom is in no way inferior to dad, everyone says please and thank you, and that relationships are based on mutual respect and caring.
Really, I think that D/s around kids is quite comparable to sexual behavior--yes you have sex, and it's always there as a part of your relationship, but your kids don't see it. They know you flirt, but they don't know the next step. If I'm making any sense...
If you present your daughter with a view of your relationship as being one where you respect each other, mom is happy to respond to dad's polite requests, and your household is harmonious, that is the relationship model she will be familiar with.
There is nothing wrong with a Dominant that says please and thank you, and his respect for you as an individual does not disappear or take a back burner because he is in control.
His respect for your thoughts and opinions shows your daughter that hers should matter too when she has relationships of her own. Just because he can choose to go with your opinion or against it does not negate the fact that he took it into account to begin with.
As a couple, you come to mutual agreement about issues of family. My boys know that sometimes mom makes the decision, sometimes she says it's up to dad--either way, Alpha is not going to overrule me in front of them.
We have a rule in our house, that one "no" outweighs either parent's "yes". If it's a big issue, we discuss it until we reach an agreement.
The subject of reconciling one's morals with being Dominant and (possibly) hitting your wife, is something that Alpha and I have spent a fair amount of time discussing.
The fact that it is wrong to hit women and they must be treated as equals is a concept that is often beaten (sometimes literally) into boys at an early age.
Conversely, in cases like your husband's, some men learn what they do not want to become because they grow up with a model that they know is wrong and don't want to emulate.
I get slapped around. Quite a bit.
Never, in our nearly 15 years together, have I been struck in anger.
Punishment is no longer a part of our dynamic. When it was, if he was mad at me, he would wait until he wasn't mad anymore before doling out my punishment.
I think that abuse is often about displacing responsibility, anger, and a severe lack of self control.
Dominance doesn't have any of those markings.
Dominance is about taking responsibility for one's actions and the repercussions of those choices, it's about not acting in anger, and it's about having enough self control to be able to exert control over another human being.
This is a rather extreme simplification, but for the purpose of comparison, I believe it is pretty accurate.
I hope that I have adequately answered your question.