Saturday, May 25, 2013

A Question of Separating D/s From the Rest?

"How do you separate marriage/family life from the D/s life?
My husband is concerned about this, his biggest concern being, he doesn't want our daughter (5) to grow up and marry a controlling/borderline abusive man. I tried to explain to him that their is a huge difference between abusive and D/s. Obviously nothing intense would go on in front of her, and there can be a place where he can correct me if need be, and it wouldn't be in front of the kids, not even intense stuff. He comes from an abusive background (his father was terrible) and I the opposite (sort of). He can't understand the need/want for this. I think thats the hardest thing to explain...LOL. He said he would never slap me across the face, but honestly, the thought lights up my eyes like a kid in a candy store." 

Honestly, I have no clue how one would go about separating D/s from marriage/family life because it is something that has become so entwined in mine.
The best idea I have there is to keep it in the bedroom, and even at that, it is still part of your marriage.

I think that at first, D/s is often something we do. The lines are nice and clear--I will do this, I won't do that, it stays in the bedroom, etc.
Then over time those nice sharp lines in the sand get eroded and begin to move. When that happens, it is no longer easy to compartmentalize things into categories like D/s, marriage, family. Because power exchange lies somewhere underneath and inside of all those things.

The simplest solution I can offer really is to just keep it in the bedroom, but observation and past experience have led me to believe that it can be rather difficult to keep D/s confined to one room of your life.

I am going to go with my own interpretation, and approach this question from a slightly different angle. If I get it all wrong, I can always do another post right?

I see your question as being about how you can be in a power exchange relationship without adversely impacting your daughter, and how to convince your husband that being your Dominant does not make him abusive. I think these two questions actually tie into each other in a way.
As I said before, if I'm coming at this all wrong, I'll do it again, K?

I think that D/s and children can be a very touchy subject, and answers may vary widely depending on who you ask.

We have 2 boys. Now, one of our responsibilities as parents, is to make sure that they grow into good men. And  they learned at a very early age that it is not acceptable to hit women (yes, not even that wicked little girl throwing rocks at you and chasing you with a stick), mom is in no way inferior to dad, everyone says please and thank you, and that relationships are based on mutual respect and caring.

Really, I think that D/s around kids is quite comparable to sexual behavior--yes you have sex, and it's always there as a part of your relationship, but your kids don't see it. They know you flirt, but they don't know the next step. If I'm making any sense...

If you present your daughter with a view of your relationship as being one where you respect each other, mom is happy to respond to dad's polite requests, and your household is harmonious, that is the relationship model she will be familiar with.
There is nothing wrong with a Dominant that says please and thank you, and his respect for you as an individual does not disappear or take a back burner because he is in control.
His respect for your thoughts and opinions shows your daughter that hers should matter too when she has relationships of her own. Just because he can choose to go with your opinion or against it does not negate the fact that he took it into account to begin with.
As a couple, you come to mutual agreement about issues of family. My boys know that sometimes mom makes the decision, sometimes she says it's up to dad--either way, Alpha is not going to overrule me in front of them.
We have a rule in our house, that one "no" outweighs either parent's "yes". If it's a big issue, we discuss it until we reach an agreement.

The subject of reconciling one's morals with being Dominant and (possibly) hitting your wife, is something that Alpha and I have spent a fair amount of time discussing.

The fact that it is wrong to hit women and they must be treated as equals is a concept that is often beaten (sometimes literally) into boys at an early age.
Conversely, in cases like your husband's, some men learn what they do not want to become because they grow up with a model that they know is wrong and don't want to emulate.

I get slapped around. Quite a bit.
Never, in our nearly 15 years together, have I been struck in anger.
Punishment is no longer a part of our dynamic. When it was, if he was mad at me, he would wait until he wasn't mad anymore before doling out my punishment.

I think that abuse is often about displacing responsibility, anger, and a severe lack of self control.
Dominance doesn't have any of those markings.
Dominance is about taking responsibility for one's actions and the repercussions of those choices, it's about not acting in anger, and it's about having enough self control to be able to exert control over another human being.
This is a rather extreme simplification, but for the purpose of comparison, I believe it is pretty accurate.

I hope that I have adequately answered your question.


  1. Lovely explanation. We also have children in the home and all they see are a mommy and Daddy who love them and love one another and respect one another. They don't see the D/s that goes on behind closed doors (or not when they're not home!) Great post lil


    1. baby girl,
      thank you.
      Oh...You have times when your kids aren't home!?! I am soo jealous lol.

  2. Thank you. Very insightful. I see things the way you do, this question was mainly for my husband as he has expressed this concern many times to me. Not so much separating D/s from marriage, but from children.

    1. Trish,
      you are quite welcome.
      I hope that your husband found something helpful in my reply to your question!

  3. Good response. I'd add; use props. Never do BDSM without the collar or equivalent. That creates a clear firewall.

    1. Thank you Giles.

      I think that, for some of us, always requiring the props is impractical, and just doesn't work for our situations.

      But I also believe that the couple who asked the question, and others, will find your suggestion to be very helpful.
      Thank you for sharing your thoughts!

  4. This was very nice! Thank you! We have a small child and have some rules about what and what not goes on in front of him. A lot of husbands rules for me are about respect simply because we want our son to see mutual respect in our relationship.

    1. submissive wife,
      Thank you, and you are very welcome!
      Glad you liked it.

  5. You say "Punishment is no longer a part of our dynamic" can you explain that? If you do something he doesn't like does he just tell you , and that's the end of that?

    1. Misty,
      Hmmm, this might end up being something that needs a post of its own, but in short...
      He expects that I will obey out of an inner drive to please, not out of fear of repercussions. He also expects that if I know he doesn't like something, I will make an effort to curb that behavior on my own.
      There will occasionally be instant discipline for behavior, and him being seriously disappointed is pretty crushing to me.

      He expects that if I want to be Dominated, I will submit without need for a lot of oversight and correction.

      No punishment makes me more responsible for my own behavior, as opposed to expecting him to correct it for me.

      I hope this answered your question adequately. If not, feel free to email me.

      I might actually do a post about this...

    2. I'm having a difficult time trying to explain how this makes me feel but the words that come to mind are intrigued, awed, and perplexed, lol.
      You should do a post about this! I'm also curious to know at what point did this change. Did it just kind of happen? Is it this way with everyone? If you do a post, feel free to answer there and not here.
      As always, I think you explained it very well. Thank you.

    3. Misty, I wrote a post about it:


Play nice.