Monday, May 13, 2013

Things Change...

We were curled up in bed last night, and Alpha called me a slut. My response was probably too honest for my own good:
"I'm absolutely terrible at it though."
" have been for the past few moths, but in the grand scheme of things..."

I have been off kilter something terrible lately.

We are at a point in our lives where change is necessary. Alpha worked very hard to build a good career and be the best at what he does in our area. But people don't always want the best, they don't always want someone who refuses to do things any other way besides the "right way", they often want to import people who will do it half as good for half the price.
He's not in demand much anymore, and truth be told, it's the kind of work that takes a terrible physical tole, and it's not as easy or enjoyable as it used to be.

Looking to change careers after 20 years isn't easy.

And me? My paying qualifications are just no longer a feasible way for me to make an income. My not making money was never really an issue before.
Now? Things change.

I know that it probably sounds like I am complaining, but really, as usual, I am just thinking out loud.
I do feel like we are standing on the edge of something wonderful, some much needed change, a new approach with new outcomes...I'm just not sure which direction takes us there.
And for once, neither is he.

For someone with such an ingrained fear of stagnation, I sure don't adapt well to looming change...

  Know what I miss? I miss being able to go here:

“When she's abandoned her moral center and teachings...when she's cast aside her facade of propriety and lady-like demeanor...when I have so corrupted this fragile thing and brought out a writhing, mewling, bucking, wanton whore for my enjoyment and pleasure.....enticing from within this feral lioness...growling and scratching and biting...taking everything I dish out to that moment she is never more beautiful to me. ”
― Marquis de Sade

 Where the whole entire world melts away, where there is no right or wrong, where yesterday is meaningless and tomorrow doesn't matter...

It's a beautiful thing. And I have been so stuck in my own head, that I haven't had the slightest interest in even attempting to go there.
Yep, I'm on track for a new award--worst whore of the year! Lol.
Does that come in silver I wonder?


  1. Life is fluid, lil. Sometimes flux around us leads to flux within us. Just know that you are one of the finest submissive souls I know. Things will come back/even out in time. Just keep talking and keep seeking.


    1. June,
      every time I think that I have been told the sweetest thing ever, someone like you somehow manages to top it. Thank you!

  2. i bet it does come in silver. But i'm also pretty sure you're not going to get "worst" of anything. :-)

    Life sure can surprise us though, can't it? It must be hard for Alpha, to be losing the thing he was so good at it. i'll do prayers of discernment, that you find your ways through this.

    (And having said that - sudden light bulb moment - prayers of discernment for my self is what i need to be doing! Yikes! Thanks!!)


    1. Sofia,
      Business has been slow for a while, but I think that most difficult perhaps, is the discovery that he doesn't love it like he once did, and he certainly cannot maintain it for a lifetime.

      Thank you.

  3. I can imagine it must be scary wandering what direction the future holds...but perhaps its also a change that will be better for you all..who knows whats around that corner.

    You take the silver, the bronze is mine lol


    1. tori,
      I think that there will be very good things around the corner...As long as we pick the right corner lol.

      Okay lol, the bronze is all yours! Someone is going to have to work very hard for the gold.

  4. With sparkles too. Just think of it as taking a rain check for a later time. Lots of luck in making the right decisions for the both of you, but don't compromise your principles - because that's something you have to live with and it's not always as easy as it seems.

    1. sunnygirl,
      Ooh, sparkles!
      I think that one of the overall problems with his work, is being criticized for refusing to compromise his principles. When the reality of his work is that compromising those principles is not only something he can't live with, it's downright dangerous.

  5. Lil: I think many, many times, people underestimate the affect of 'work or career' in their daily lives. Work and career and not being able to work or have the same career--all of those issues, are huge and bring huge impacts--regardless if we consciously clue into that fact or not.
    I know it can be hard as the 's' side to be supportive and strong, to put our needs or wants aside to deal with the big stuff. You two are bright and creative and a solution will come out of this--it can't not--being on that place of almost knowing or having an idea, is a great place to be and you'll get back to where you want to be on the submissive front, too.

    1. Bleuame,
      We have been in a bit of limbo for, well, a couple of years lol.
      But I think that where we find ourselves now is a good place to be--if nothing else, it is quite interesting and thought provoking.


Play nice.