Monday, May 20, 2013

To Share One's Truth

I occasionally get emails from new subs asking for advice. The one thread that all my responses seem to have in common, is the assertion that they need to talk to their Dominant.
Given my tendency to be communication challenged, I am sure that Alpha finds great irony in that statement.

For me, one of the most freeing and wondrous things about ttwd, was the discovery that there was a space between us wherein I could tell him anything.

If you want to explore someone's mind, be closer to them than their skin, and be the person who defines their limits, you have to help that person develop the ability to spill their heart and soul to you.
A big part of that is realizing one cannot expect to be freely told someone's deepest darkest thoughts, if they are waiting to criticize what they hear.
You cannot expect her to bare her heart and soul if she believes that you are going to rip them out when she does.

Much as submission becomes easier when there is Domination for one to submit to, being completely open is quite a bit more appealing when you know that the response, while perhaps not necessarily what you want to hear, is not going to culminate in an argument--because he will accept you regardless of what you tell him, and you will accept his thoughts and decisions about whatever you have said.

Of course, there is also the little issue that if you use that space and acceptance as an excuse to be a disobedient and raging brat, you are going to lose it immediately.
A fact that I was clearly informed of and confronted with in the not so distant past.

But when we can achieve and maintain the ability to create that place in our relationships...

In that space, there is no shadow of yesterday, no suffering for tomorrow, just two people sharing a moment of pure and unadulterated truth.
When we empty our hearts and minds of the words and thoughts to which we hold on so tightly, that is the moment we gain the ability to share a meaningful silence that outweighs the power of words.

I think that sometimes, if we want to be really close, we have to empty out the space between us.
We do so by laying everything out on the table, and sifting through the piles until we can set them aside or throw them out.
Until all that is left is our shared silence.
The silence of acceptance, of redemption, of surrender, of knowing.
The silence of two people with nothing left to hide.
Simply being.


  1. Very touching and so so so true.

    Thanks lil!


    1. faithful,
      thank you, and you are very welcome!

  2. Thank you Lil,

    I enjoy your frank honesty about your struggles with your submission & communication etc. It's nice to see the reality of just how challenging this all can be.

    Lost Kittie!

    1. Lost Kittie,
      sometimes I wonder if I highlight the struggles too often.
      Then again, there is that saying that nothing worth having comes easy...

  3. This is wonderful lil, and so true. Thank you for sharing.


    1. Roz,
      thank you. Glad you enjoyed it.

  4. You are absolutely right. Communication is the essence of any successful relationship. The more we feel comfortable to share...the deeper our relationships can become. When we guard ourselves - there is mistrust at the heart of it.

    1. Bridgit,
      I think that the guarding becomes a kind of wall, a barrier that we get used to hiding behind. When that barrier is gone, the possibilities are so much more infinite...

  5. i Love this post...communication and being open is a lesson Im still learning.

    1. BabyDoll,
      It's a lesson I'm still learning too. isn't that one of the beautiful frustrations of life, to always be learning?

  6. Hi there! I'm a new reader, but I just wanted to say thanks for this. :)
    Newbie advice is very relevant-- but this is just good insight for any relationship. It always comes back to communication, doesn't it?

    1. Hello Anne, welcome to my crazy corner.
      Yes, communication is necessary in any relationship--can't have much of one without it!


Play nice.