It Was Never About My Ideas...

My general state of angst, combined with my computer's tendency to only connect to the internet when it damn well feels like it, hasn't exactly been conducive to writing. That, and there's no kink in my life. None. I mean, I doubt that we are even capable of having truly vanilla sex anymore, but...

A short time ago (I think, time is blending these days) I admitted that I believe I'm incapable of having a real romantic relationship without D/s. The levels of D/s around haven't miraculously increased since then. Oh, they are there, just...Yea, they are the way he wants them. That in itself is D/s, right?

More often than not, I feel that he prefers a service oriented relationship. I'm bad at service. It's not hot, it's not appealing, it's not a turn-on. Maybe I'm just relationship lazy, but honestly, he's been relationship lazy for a while now. Poor excuse, I know...

I suck at service. I really do.

So herein lies the issue--I've been wandering around moaning about the lack of kink, the lack of active D/s, but it's there. Oh yes, in all the glory of those things which after two kids and 16 years, I find very little joy in.
If you love showing submission by always being the only one to do laundry, make dinner, hand out late night back rubs, and honor those midnight night tea requests, etc. no matter how crappy you feel, more power to you. Wish I could climb on your train. I really do.

The thing I realized is, ttwd has never been about my ideas. Sure, I'm not thrilled with our current expression/experience of it, but just because I don't like it doesn't mean it's not D/s. That's kind of a hard pill to swallow. Because when I step back and look at my feelings, while I still find them to be legitimate, I realize that it is rather contrary to my core beliefs about D/s to be wandering around saying, "This is not my idea of D/s, this is not what I want it to be." Because it was never about my ideas. Intrinsically, D/s is not about what I want it to be. So even this, this service as D/s thing...It is still Dominance and submission. It's about his ideas, not mine. And I can live with that because I know that the dust will settle soon in one way or another.

I do wonder though...When the dust settles, will he pick a direction? Or will we continue to float on this wave where once he wanted everything and now he seems to want only what I can do for him without the work of doing too...I feel like he trained me to focus my life on him, then one day he woke up with a different focus, he wanted different things from me, he developed different interests which leave little room for interest in me, I became work so he found somewhere else to play.
There is no necessity for him to hold my interest anymore. He knows that. I'll be here regardless, no matter what. That's a whole lot of interest in one paragraph...Pricy bitch, no?

No matter how much D/s is intrinsic to who you are, making it work takes work. Relationships take work...

I've been staring at the stupid blinking cursor for ten minutes now, and its just there...Reminding me by its very insistence just how very directionless I feel.

Soon, the dust will settle. And we'll still be standing. Somewhere, somehow...Or maybe, if I'm lucky, I won't be standing at all.
More and more though, I can't escape the feeling that he wants someone standing next to him leading the charge, but still compliant, still acquiescent to his whims and desires...And that, my darling readers, is something which I have not yet come to terms with.

A Question of Public Behavior

A while back, I asked for some reader inspiration. Then life got messy again, and I still don't have much opportunity to visit Blogland because my computer is stupid...So I still have a question which had been waiting for a ridiculous amount of time...

This one comes from the, thankfully, patient Downunder Don:

"Hi Lil,

(This question was prompted from an observation last night when my wife and I attended a large public gathering. We both saw a couple where she was wearing a black choker with a small, discrete, but when viewed closely, obvious BDSM symbol attached. Reinforced by Erica Scott’s blog entry today)

What is your public persona as opposed to a private, submissive one. Do you publicly act subserviently to Alpha as opposed to most of us who hide our kink under a bushel."

Sorry for taking forever to get to this!

Hmm...Quite a bit of it depends on where we are and the company we are in. Often, I behave the same in public as at home. Of course, since our children are always home, and are usually with us when we go anywhere, that means I tend to keep it fairly well hidden at home.

I guess I see much of our interactions as normal, so he still gets the final say in public and we are pretty much the same with each other, regardless of where we are. Though, I would imagine that will change rather drastically when the kids aren't with us all of the time.

There are many things that I don't think about in the ways we interact with each other that are perhaps not so "Normal" but they aren't obviously D/s, so people just chalk it up to the way we are and don't pay too much attention. Deferring is one of those things that can be quite subtle.

Overall, my public persona tends to be fairly Dominant, a misconception that he loves perpetrating. In fact, he seems to find it quite amusing to make people think that I'm generally in charge. It's a bit annoying, really...

The Way We Treat Each Other

My life's just one huge upheaval, so I figured that I'd take a moment to complain about other people instead. Sounds fair, right?

We have these friends...Okay, well, her and I are not exactly friends, but I think my reasoning for that will become apparent if you stick with me while I rant.

He's a great person. Loyal, easygoing, awesome father, etc. He made it possible for her to spend years in school for the career she wanted, followed her across the friggin ocean as she chased whims because what she has is never good enough, and based his whole life around what she wanted.

She treats him like shit. She's cool enough to hang out with until she starts talking about him, then...Wow. She talks about him as if he's a lower life form. She talks to him like he's a total idiot who should never have thoughts of his own.

How do you love that? How do you live when only one person's dreams matter? I mean, I know that I chose a relationship where his wants and desires come first, but I am still allowed my dreams. He may piss all over me and treat me like nothing more than the whore at his feet, but at the end of the day, he values me. He values who I am, how I think, my hopes and dreams...

And really, if you're going to talk shit about the person you're with, isn't it best to keep it between the two of you?

I mean, if he tells someone that I don't like tomatoes, I don't see a need to throw a fit and rip him a new one in the middle of that someone's kitchen, about daring to say that because I actually do like tomatoes. It would be simple enough just to say, actually, I would like a piece of tomato this time...

Got sidetracked by examples there...

It seems to be a common issue for me when it comes to forming friendships with other couples--I just have no interest in sitting down and having a complaint fest about the man I married. Wives bitch about their husbands, husbands hide things from their wives, respect seems to go the way of the dinosaurs...Why people choose to stay together when they don't even seem to like each other, is beyond me.

What's wrong with respecting the person you're with? Since when did couples who offer each other common courtesy and respect (which one would think would be a pretty basic relationship requirement) make for being socially unacceptable??

The way we treat each other matters. Why does that seem like such a foreign concept to so many people?

Behind...

I'm behind. In everything.

Replying to comments.
Laundry.
Grading.
Being a halfway decent slave.
Cleaning.
Life.

You name it--I'm behind.

Yep, I am currently excelling in all areas.

And I've had a tad too much wine. To accompany my whine, you know.

Yea...

Living in limbo is a bitch. We both know that we have gone off course in recent months, but damn, it's hard to commit to anything while living in limbo. Even those parts of ourselves that we know to hold true, regardless of circumstances.

I don't know what I should and should not write here anymore, and that has contributed to some blogging difficulties lately. I never previously questioned what I could write, and it has thrown me off a bit. Though, I suppose that I'll know right about the time that limbo ends...

Luckily for all concerned, I do have a question waiting in my inbox, and I'll try to get to it soon--it should help me to avoid excess whining.
This whole not having my own computer thing kind of sucks. And quitting smoking again. That sucks monkey butts.

I hope that I don't look at this post in the morning and realize that I shouldn't be allowed to touch the computer after being left with a bottle of wine...

A Question of Bringing out the nature of a Submissive

I can't seem to respond to comments, or comment on other people's posts on this computer...So I'll try to catch up soon.

Thankfully, the Anons of Blogland are keeping me stocked up on blogging fodder. Otherwise...Well, there probably just isn't enough coffee in the world to make it interesting around here. Though, we do seem to love a good train wreck...

Anyways...

Anonymous asked:

"I'll keep this one short and simple. How do I get a girl who is submissive in nature to consider or maybe realize she wants a D/s relationship?"

Should I assume that my last response was unsatisfactory?
The exceptionally short answer, would be slowly--give her tastes, not full bites.

Imho, the bedroom is a good place to start. If she's willing to give up control in the bedroom, she might be willing to expand outwards. Also, I think it's easier to accept and come to terms with the concept of bedroom submission--it's not as overwhelming and serious as taking D/s into other aspects of one's life. I started out as a clearly stated "Bedroom only" sub, then he made me ask to expand out of the bedroom because he's mean like that. And I couldn't just keep it in the bedroom. I wanted and needed more.

Earn her trust. Inspire submission regardless of whether of not she recognizes it as submission. Submitting requires a certain level of trust, so earning that trust first is a valuable first step that is worth taking the time to make.

I hate to admit it, but we are fickle creatures (a fact that Alpha is always happy to rub my nose in). I think that, as a sub, admitting that you want D/s is hard. It's much easier to get a taste and respond favorably than it is to sit down and outright admit that you want it while contemplating eating the entire cake.
Once you have had a taste (if you like it) it becomes much easier to become comfortable with the whole concept.

Submission abhors a vacuum, and tends to respond favorably to Dominance. If she has a positive response to Dominant behavior, then why not just sit down and talk about it? If you have already earned her trust and established for yourself that submission is part of her nature, talking about it is the next logical step, and is absolutely necessary if you want her to come to some sense of realization--there's no moving forwards without communication.
When you do talk about it, I would think that the "take it slow" rule applies here too. Don't start off with the deep end of what you want or see your D/s becoming--keep to the more shallow end of the pool.

Now is when I make a shameless plea to readers for their input, so...?

A Question of Making D/s Work, and How We Began

I was beginning to think that my Q&A page was just taking up space, and maybe I should scrap it. Then someone decided to use it for the first time in ages. So yay--much needed blogging fodder.

Anonymous asks:

"Hey! I really love your blog. Around a year ago or so I fell in love with the idea of a D/s relationship, me being the Dom. Me and my girlfriend tried it and it didn't go so well. Me and her recently broke up. At first she liked the idea of a D/s relationship but within a few weeks she didn't like it anymore but I am still stuck on the idea. Our relationship failing makes me discouraged I'll ever find a submissive to be mine and was just wondering if you had key advice to make it work. Also I was wondering where you and your Dominant met and how you began your D/s relationship. Thanks!"

Thank you for the questions, Anon. I am glad to hear that you are enjoying the blog.

First, I would like to say that I adore ideas. They are the root of so many wonderful things and experiences, how could we not love them? The thing is though, it's easy to fall in love with ideas. Ideas do not pass judgement, they rarely highlight inconvenient truths, they don't have dirty socks, and while often complex, they are only expressions of the human mind and lack the vast complexity of actually being human.
Ideas are much easier to love than people, and quite a bit more difficult to live than they are to experience as theoretical concepts.

As someone who has never searched for a D/s relationship, I'm not sure that I have any key advice for you. Perhaps just basic sub thought processes that might be slightly helpful.

We all know that compatibility is important to relationships, and nowhere does that hold as true as it does in D/s. I think it is rare for "The One" to fall into our laps. It takes time to find that compatibility. Given that your last relationship ended recently, I wouldn't get discouraged too quickly.
I don't know if you've read it already, but I recently wrote a post that addresses some ideas of how to make ttwd work, so you might find it somewhat useful: A Question of Advice for Beginners.

As to finding and beginning a D/s relationship, I'm afraid that I don't have much to offer (though the post I mentioned might help with the beginning). Perhaps readers with more experience in this area would like to chime in and offer some thoughts...?

From a submissive perspective, when it comes to trying to find a sub using websites like Fetlife and Collarme (does that one still exist?) there is an overabundance of "doms" and very few actual Dominants. I don't have the answers, but I do think that there are approaches that one is best served by avoiding.
Submission is earned, there is already an excess of cock shots in the world, and a surprising amount of men take the "Kneel bitch" approach. It doesn't go over well.
Also, not everyone who fancies themselves submissive actually is--as I said before, ideas are easy to love, not so easy to live.
There's something to be said for just being yourself, approaching subs with a sense of normality and getting to know them as people--issuing demands and being pushy right off the bat is probably not going to get you anywhere besides blocked.
While I do believe that it is important not to try and model relationships off of other people's experience, there is definitely something to be said for doing your research--we like submitting to people who have a good grasp of what they are doing and how we work.

Alpha and I actually met a very long time ago through a mutual friend. While we did settle into a slightly unbalanced dynamic wherein he took the lead because I had very little life experience, neither of us had a concept of D/s.
We had been together somewhere around eight years before we began our forays into D/s.
Really, it was not pretty. To put it very mildly, we were not doing well as a couple. Not doing well at all. I was screwing around with D/s online, and he caught me. He said that, if I wanted to be Dominated, it would be by him and no one else.
Thus began our rather rocky explorations of power exchange. In a twist that I still find somewhat ironic, (not sure exactly why) starting this blog several years later, was the first time I was allowed on to the internet and given room for any interactions with other people who had anything to do with D/s.

I wanted to dive in and have it all right then. He took a much slower approach, and since he's in charge, we went at the pace he wanted--I thought it was slower than  snail crap, but in retrospect, he was right. Ideally, you are setting up an arrangement that is going to last for a long time--it's worth taking your time to lay up a solid foundation.

I hope that this adequately answers your questions. If you (or anyone really) has any other questions or ideas to throw my way, please feel free to do so--I'm lacking inspiration these days.

Thirty Seconds of Innocence

Apparently, it is a real downer when your sub is suffering from chronic migraines--it leaves a lot to be desired in the blowjob department. Who knew?

Anyways...

I had said something about wanting to see the new Dracula movie. My husband, of course, jumped to the logical ridiculous conclusion that I found the actor portraying Dracula to be attractive. His response was, "However did you end up with me? Given your penchant for the whole dark and dangerous look, it's kind of weird."
Naturally, I faked innocence for about thirty seconds.

Call me a bit of a whore, (if you really want to. I guess...) but black hair, blond hair, green eyes, blue eyes, brown eyes...There's no one single type I like. Well, tall. Is, "Too tall for me to beat up" a type? Even with that, I can be swayed...Because, whore. And lets face it, tall men can be assholes too. You could be six five and totally gorgeous, but if you're a pompous, self absorbed idiot, I have nothing to say. Okay, well probably something to prove your idiocy, but I'm a bitch like that...

Loyalty is hot. Protectiveness is hot. Competence is hot. Intelligence is hot. Calculating attentiveness is hot. That general aura of Dominance? Totally hot. Blood sucking deadly vampire? Why not.

Cake, Icing, and Other Strange Ramblings

For once, this post isn't actually about cake. Or icing. Well, not the real kinds anyways.

I think that I'm about to contradict myself twice in one post. Not the small sort of contradictions that you sweep under the rug before anybody notices either.

Did I mention that it's going to happen more than once all in one post? Coffee. Coffee is important here.

So...I have stated more than once that we will always be a happily married couple, with or without D/s.

After some deep introspection inspired by my longest "off" phase in the history of our dynamic, I realized that's bullshit.
For me, there's never going to be any kind of real "we" without D/s. With anybody. And by real, I mean the kind of love that makes your heart flutter every time you see someone; there would be no passion, no intimacy. And probably a sad lack of respect on my part. For me, D/s is passion and intimacy. I don't know how to feel true passion without it. And intimacy...Well, there's nothing quite as intimate as having someone crawl around in your mind and take over your body, is there?

My sexuality is inherently and completely wrapped up in Dominance and submission. Without D/s...

Dominance inspires feelings in me that I seem to be otherwise incapable of experiencing. Maybe those feelings of passion and intimacy are normal for those less fucked in the head most people,but I don't feel them if I don't feel Dominated. If I am not submissive.

I have also said that D/s is like the icing on the cake, but it isn't really just the icing on the cake. Cake is good with or without icing.
When you make a layered cake, you put a dab of icing on the platter under the bottom layer of cake. Just a smidgen. Without that tiny bit of icing, the cake slides around when you go to put the next layer on, and is far less stable.
That little, seemingly insignificant dab of icing makes all the other layers possible, and keeps the cake from falling to the floor (yes, I realize that some of us are more prone to dropping things than others. Lets not point fingers. Ahem).
And the layers...humanity is made of layers, D/s is created out of layers on top of layers--icing holds the layers together.

So maybe I won't contradict myself too much with this one--perhaps D/s really is like icing. But not just the icing on top. Oh no...

A Question of the Difficulties Surrounding D/s and Kids

Here's my response to the last question from Foxy Canidae. I did say that I was going to drag them out as much as possible...

"What is the hardest thing for you when it comes to TTWD and having kids?"

Hmm...

I would have to say the lack of private time. Our arrangement came into being after our first child, so our D/s has always existed within the constraints of parenthood.

The day-to-day parenting decisions are left to me, and while we always discuss our options, the big final decisions involving them are usually left up to me.
Having boys, I used to worry that the obvious overtones of dad getting the final say in damn near everything would make them into those terrible men who think that they get to do whatever they want because they're men.

The thing is...Mom runs a tight ship, and dad always backs mom up. They know that I'm the one they will have to convince if they want something--I'm the chore and extra cookie authority around here.
Interestingly enough, they have about as much disdain as I do for anyone who seems to consider themselves superior to anyone else, so I don't worry about that anymore.

I think I got sidetracked...

The hardest thing is simply time.
Time to play.
Time to express just that part of us.
Time to ignore reality and just...Be that.

Testing Resources--Vanilla

Alright ladies, I know that I'm not the only one out here insane enough to home-school who home-schools her kids...
I have a bright sixth grader who is highly intelligent, has always been advanced at math (currently holding a solid 4.0 in it), and now under the pressure of knowing that he'll probably have to take a placement test into the middle of sixth grade (or face redoing fifth if he bombs it), he cannot seem to do well on a test to save his life.

Seriously, the poor kid learned exponents, areas, and prime factorization in a week--much less time than it took me to get a grip on those concepts. He's bright. If he gets put back a grade for one bad round of testing, it will be the start of a terrible downward spiral for him--he does not do well when he's bored, and no one wants to be held back.

Because my records do not count as official transcripts, he will have to take a placement test to enter public school.

So...We're now testing a lot. But, I want him to get experience with the kinds of tests he'll be facing when he tests into public school. Anybody have any good websites that have printable tests? I'm not really picky about the states they come from. I'm looking for Common Core Standards, and anything similar to what he'll have to take to place at grade level come the start of next semester. All subjects.

Also, for anyone who does have experience with public school, I'm operating under the assumption that he'll only have one chance to test into grade level. True?

I'm not in the least bit concerned about his ability to do the work and get good grades--he's at grade level, if not above. If he can't prove that to the school on a placement test though...

So, anybody...?

We Are Who We Are

"I'm a fraud."

He rolled his eyes, "You're not a fraud. You are mine. It's just life. We've both had a lot going on lately"

"Prove that I'm not a fraud then, because I really feel like one lately."

Seriously?! Will I never learn??

"I will."

And he did.

*Sigh.*

Yet further proof that we are what we are despite our doubts or efforts to the contrary.

I think that maybe...Maybe I didn't want to be this anymore, so I convinced myself that I wasn't what I am. The odd thing about being human is that, in the end, it doesn't matter what we tell ourselves we are--because ultimately, we are nothing more and nothing less than who we are.

I realized that I'm a bit like a box, (wish I had a prettier or more graceful analogy). Sometimes I feel like one of those battered cardboard boxes you see floating around the recycling bin, full of unwanted old things. And other times I feel like one of those rare awesome wooden trunks, full of old secrets and hidden treasures.

Accepting who I am makes me feel like the trunk. When I won't, or can't, I become the box. But who I am is always there, no matter what else is currently residing inside with me, or what trappings I find myself surrounded by.

Gone...?

I tried to convince him that I'm a fraud. Just because he clearly isn't, doesn't mean that I'm not! He didn't seem to be as fazed by the statement as I thought he should be...

The thing is...Submission? Zilch, zero, nada, nothing, no go, gone, pft.

Empty...

Don't even miss it. Don't want it. Tempted to say I don't need it.

But...

There's something missing...There's a space. A place where something should be, but isn't.

And I think that I could go forever without it...Until the emptiness catches up.

What I want to know, is why does not wanting this:

Image source unknown

Makes me feel a bit like this:

Image source unknown

??????

A Question of That Peaceful Feeling

Okay, so I kind of lost track of these, but I think this one is also from Foxy Canidae...My bad...

"Is there anything you do to feel more peaceful and settled in your day? Does it relate to him and to your submission or is it about taking "me time" for yourself?"

Oh geez feeling more peaceful and settled...Truthfully, I've fallen off the horse in a big way. These days, it's a miracle if I even feel peaceful and settled in my sleep.

For a while, he had me wear the plug for at least an hour every day. Oh, I moaned and complained a bit, but it really did wonders for my head-space and helping me to just settle and focus.

I have honestly never really taken "me time". With the exception of when I was pregnant. So generally, anything that makes me feel more peaceful and settled is related to D/s, which has been in short supply around here. In no small part because of me, but that wasn't the question was it? Luckily...

All those little rituals which have fallen by the wayside because life is overwhelming, help me to feel more peaceful and settled--my daily statement to him of why I submit, the plug, time sitting at his feet, even peeing in the stupid cup every morning.

Anything that involves D/s, really.

So yea...I realize that this was kind of a lame response, but peaceful and settled are in short supply around here these days! Any readers care to chime in on this one...?