My general state of angst, combined with my computer's tendency to only connect to the internet when it damn well feels like it, hasn't exactly been conducive to writing. That, and there's no kink in my life. None. I mean, I doubt that we are even capable of having truly vanilla sex anymore, but...
A short time ago (I think, time is blending these days) I admitted that I believe I'm incapable of having a real romantic relationship without D/s. The levels of D/s around haven't miraculously increased since then. Oh, they are there, just...Yea, they are the way he wants them. That in itself is D/s, right?
More often than not, I feel that he prefers a service oriented relationship. I'm bad at service. It's not hot, it's not appealing, it's not a turn-on. Maybe I'm just relationship lazy, but honestly, he's been relationship lazy for a while now. Poor excuse, I know...
I suck at service. I really do.
So herein lies the issue--I've been wandering around moaning about the lack of kink, the lack of active D/s, but it's there. Oh yes, in all the glory of those things which after two kids and 16 years, I find very little joy in.
If you love showing submission by always being the only one to do laundry, make dinner, hand out late night back rubs, and honor those midnight night tea requests, etc. no matter how crappy you feel, more power to you. Wish I could climb on your train. I really do.
The thing I realized is, ttwd has never been about my ideas. Sure, I'm not thrilled with our current expression/experience of it, but just because I don't like it doesn't mean it's not D/s. That's kind of a hard pill to swallow. Because when I step back and look at my feelings, while I still find them to be legitimate, I realize that it is rather contrary to my core beliefs about D/s to be wandering around saying, "This is not my idea of D/s, this is not what I want it to be." Because it was never about my ideas. Intrinsically, D/s is not about what I want it to be. So even this, this service as D/s thing...It is still Dominance and submission. It's about his ideas, not mine. And I can live with that because I know that the dust will settle soon in one way or another.
I do wonder though...When the dust settles, will he pick a direction? Or will we continue to float on this wave where once he wanted everything and now he seems to want only what I can do for him without the work of doing too...I feel like he trained me to focus my life on him, then one day he woke up with a different focus, he wanted different things from me, he developed different interests which leave little room for interest in me, I became work so he found somewhere else to play.
There is no necessity for him to hold my interest anymore. He knows that. I'll be here regardless, no matter what. That's a whole lot of interest in one paragraph...Pricy bitch, no?
No matter how much D/s is intrinsic to who you are, making it work takes work. Relationships take work...
I've been staring at the stupid blinking cursor for ten minutes now, and its just there...Reminding me by its very insistence just how very directionless I feel.
Soon, the dust will settle. And we'll still be standing. Somewhere, somehow...Or maybe, if I'm lucky, I won't be standing at all.
More and more though, I can't escape the feeling that he wants someone standing next to him leading the charge, but still compliant, still acquiescent to his whims and desires...And that, my darling readers, is something which I have not yet come to terms with.