Friday, October 31, 2014

It Was Never About My Ideas...

My general state of angst, combined with my computer's tendency to only connect to the internet when it damn well feels like it, hasn't exactly been conducive to writing. That, and there's no kink in my life. None. I mean, I doubt that we are even capable of having truly vanilla sex anymore, but...

A short time ago (I think, time is blending these days) I admitted that I believe I'm incapable of having a real romantic relationship without D/s. The levels of D/s around haven't miraculously increased since then. Oh, they are there, just...Yea, they are the way he wants them. That in itself is D/s, right?

More often than not, I feel that he prefers a service oriented relationship. I'm bad at service. It's not hot, it's not appealing, it's not a turn-on. Maybe I'm just relationship lazy, but honestly, he's been relationship lazy for a while now. Poor excuse, I know...

I suck at service. I really do.

So herein lies the issue--I've been wandering around moaning about the lack of kink, the lack of active D/s, but it's there. Oh yes, in all the glory of those things which after two kids and 16 years, I find very little joy in.
If you love showing submission by always being the only one to do laundry, make dinner, hand out late night back rubs, and honor those midnight night tea requests, etc. no matter how crappy you feel, more power to you. Wish I could climb on your train. I really do.

The thing I realized is, ttwd has never been about my ideas. Sure, I'm not thrilled with our current expression/experience of it, but just because I don't like it doesn't mean it's not D/s. That's kind of a hard pill to swallow. Because when I step back and look at my feelings, while I still find them to be legitimate, I realize that it is rather contrary to my core beliefs about D/s to be wandering around saying, "This is not my idea of D/s, this is not what I want it to be." Because it was never about my ideas. Intrinsically, D/s is not about what I want it to be. So even this, this service as D/s thing...It is still Dominance and submission. It's about his ideas, not mine. And I can live with that because I know that the dust will settle soon in one way or another.

I do wonder though...When the dust settles, will he pick a direction? Or will we continue to float on this wave where once he wanted everything and now he seems to want only what I can do for him without the work of doing too...I feel like he trained me to focus my life on him, then one day he woke up with a different focus, he wanted different things from me, he developed different interests which leave little room for interest in me, I became work so he found somewhere else to play.
There is no necessity for him to hold my interest anymore. He knows that. I'll be here regardless, no matter what. That's a whole lot of interest in one paragraph...Pricy bitch, no?

No matter how much D/s is intrinsic to who you are, making it work takes work. Relationships take work...

I've been staring at the stupid blinking cursor for ten minutes now, and its just there...Reminding me by its very insistence just how very directionless I feel.

Soon, the dust will settle. And we'll still be standing. Somewhere, somehow...Or maybe, if I'm lucky, I won't be standing at all.
More and more though, I can't escape the feeling that he wants someone standing next to him leading the charge, but still compliant, still acquiescent to his whims and desires...And that, my darling readers, is something which I have not yet come to terms with.


  1. That last paragraph says it all, doesn't it. Change doesn't ever come easy.

  2. Of course you say it so much better but I absolutely feel like I am living that exact same life right now. Angst is a perfect description and I really don't know what to do with it. When I try to talk about it, I end up regretting that I did. If I don't talk about it, I withdraw into that place where I try not to care.

    Hugs to you!

    1. little girl,
      I've been exceptionally angsty lately, and its really no fun for anyone! I'll pull up soon. I think...
      Thank you!

  3. Lil,

    Is it really that different, in him wanting someone to stand next him leading the charge, than what you've had now? The focus might be a bit different is it that far off from your usual day to day? From what I have read, you two work as a unit.

    I totally empathize with your overfill of service.

    1. Bleuame,
      I think that sentence in my post left something to be desired, because you're right--it really isn't, and we do function as a unit. Perhaps what I'm trying to get at is I feel like I'm lacking the direction which comes from being one step behind him. And kink, yea. But I said that already, didn't I?
      Kind of like having to make cake and not getting to eat any...?

      Sigh* The whole service thing...Yea, can I just say that I'm a work in reluctant progress?

  4. I have kink and I still feel the same way. I want to be pointed in a direction, but he doesn't want to point me (or that's how it feels at least).

    Maybe it's a matter of complying, rather than coming to terms... ����

    1. Misty,
      you have kink--Phbt! Jk.

      Sigh* Compliance, such a basic yet bitch of a concept...

  5. I can relate to this quite a bit! I'm also trying to come to terms with the fact that it's not about what I want, and sometimes that fairytale version of it just is not how it goes at all. You guys will find your way!

    1. Kenzie,
      I think that, perhaps, the problem with fairy tales is that sometimes we forget we are writing our own, so t will never look exactly like the ones we read as kids.
      Of course, if a bunch of Dwarves jumped out from under my kitchen sink tomorrow, I would have to question my stability...

  6. 'I can't escape the feeling that he wants someone standing next to him leading the charge, but still compliant, still acquiescent to his whims and desires'

    yeah, that's what mine wants, me being next to him leading the charge. Which is great, actually, but I want to be compliant and acquiescent. It's taken a bit of juggling but we're getting there.

    1. mc kitten,
      it really is quite the juggling act, isn't it?

      For me, I think, The big struggle is when he changes his mind about how he wants things. it should be against da rulez!

    2. *sigh* yes. it's taken me along time to properly realise and accept that if he hs the right to do anything he wants, then that includes the right to override rules.

      I know, I know, duh! but still...

  7. Talk to him. Relationships that don't grow, grow apart.
    If you like books, I suggest looking at the character of Gerri in Four Friends by Robyn Carr, a romance / women's fiction author. Jon

    1. Jon,
      the vast possibilities of life growth seem to be the big issue at the moment, lol.

      I am currently trying to curb my acquisition of new books, but I will keep those in mind! It's always good to have ideas when one decides to expand the content of their library. Thanks!

  8. For what it's worth Lil, while I love to read on Kindle, most of Robyn Carr's books are available at the library. My book budget is under serious domestic scrutiny here. Jon


Play nice.