i had so many dreams last night. i only remember one of them though. i was tripping. Sitting in M's lap and absolutely flying. The funny thing is, it's exactly how i felt before i passed out. i was so deep in space that words seemed like an unnecessary construct of mankind and 2 word sentences felt like a huge, if totally unimportant, achievement. For a few minutes, i actually thought i was going to pass out. i find it rather terrifying being that far down. Yet, at the same time, i enjoy it immensely. There is no freedom quite like losing all control and sense of self.
Being that far under is very much like edge play for me. Edge play is like 24/7 D/s--everyone has their own definition and will fight to the teeth to get someone else to come around and see that their opinion of it is correct. Personally, i define edge play as something that pushes the edges of what a person defines their limits to be. Going beyond one's personal comfort level and balancing on the precipice of that eternal abyss. For some, knife play is edge play, to me, it's just fun. For some, being so far down into space that they have no concept of reality or surroundings, and look and feel like they are on really good drugs is just fun--to me it's playing on the edge. That's why i think it's important to not allow our personal opinions define our definitions of things. Some stuff simply cannot be captured with a label, cannot be defined by the mere construct of the words we speak, cannot be placed in the various boxes we use to tell us where things belong.
Okay, my philosophical musings have been frozen out of me lol. i've been up stoking the fire for an hour and it's a whopping 58 degrees in my living room. i miss summer already.
On a more reality based note, my Husband is a sadistic bastard. i'm okay with that, and it's an affectionate insult, not a barb at His personality. i read somewhere once that most subs were attracted to and fascinated by sadists, but failed to realize that a sadist loves watching you squirm and is usually willing to go above and beyond in their efforts to get that reaction. That, far beyond physical pain, they often get off most on what makes a submissive uncomfortable and well, squirmy lol. The more M unleashes that part of myself, the more i agree with that thought. He enjoys the pleasure/pain reaction He gets from the physical aspects of it, yet finds the mental aspects much more entertaining and rewarding. The mindfuck is what gets Him off i think. me, the mental aspects just make me want to hide under a rock lol. i am sure that one day soon, i will write about the particular incident that inspired this train of thought, but i'm not feeling like that much of a masochist today lol.
For now, i'm going to go put more wood on the fire and fantasize about warm summer days in the sun...