Wednesday, March 9, 2011


I'm an attention whore and I quit denying it some time ago. Last night I was a bit put out because Alpha had spent most of His day doing research on the car (looks like we will be looking for a new engine sometime soon. Oh yay). Anyways, I watched a scary movie (it is Not the same if He's sitting in front of the computer. I mean, like He would have time to save me from the creepies from all the way over there. Sheesh) and pouted my way towards bed. He came in and put me through the ringer for a minute wanting to know what my problem was (like He didn't know). Then He did something unusual--He rolled me over on top of Him and stroked my back until He got His answers. Much to my disgust, they were ridiculously honest--I'm an attention whore, I want most of His attention all the time (I am willing to share some with the children, they get half the rest is mine), and I'm really quite selfish about it.
I think He finds it amusing to make me admit to my attitudes now that we have reached the point where if He actually gets annoyed with me I crumple like a piece of paper (it's really the most annoying thing ever. I used to always be up for a good fight. Now, one put angry word from Him and I'm wallering around at His feet like a lost puppy. It's quite disgusting).

Somehow He turned me upside down and inside out.

Sometimes I go so far down I can't tell which way is up. Words seem like an annoyingly unnecessary, not to mention impossible, construct. Honestly, I didn't think I was going to get anywhere near there last night lol. My mind has been busy with a constant stream of worry and bitching about the realities of life as we know it.

Then somehow, I ended up so far down
that I couldn't see straight
and I couldn't tell which way was up.

I get annoyed when I'm that far down and Alpha makes me use words--assuming I'm even capable of identifying individual emotions at that point lol. I have pointed out before, that He can hear me anyways (it's the bat radar you know), so what's the point? He seems to think it has something to do with keeping me connected to reality. Pfft, reality sucks lol.

And the reality today, is that it's time for me to haul my lagging ass off to work.


  1. I'm there with you these past few days. And struggling mightily with the realization that I don't respond the way I used to. I break down. I care if he is put out, or even if I just think he is. I no longer have a thick skin. I'm much more vulnerable (ok I admitted it all now). It is disconcerting and disorienting to have my mind and emotions betray me like this.

    Anyhow - I do hope you are able to come up from the down soon.

  2. Sometimes it is good to step back and take stock in all the true blessings you do have. We get so caught up in the BS of the day to day, that we lose sight on whats really important. I understand quite well on the attention thing though, more more give give more... But i think your in some very capable hands...

  3. greengirl,
    It's amazing how D/s changes our responses to them isn't it? And thank you.

    Very very true. That's one of the things I have really been trying to work on--not focusing so much on the day to day BS and concentrating more on the stuff that really does matter.


Play nice.