Being silent or doing nothing are not the same things as being still. Being physically still is not the same as stillness of being.
Life is full of shit. And sometimes, when you stop to smell the roses, you just step on thorns. And then you get swept away in the overall craziness that constitutes daily life. And the first thing to go? That all to often elusive, stillness of being.
Most of the time, I feel that I lack the ability to turn off my thoughts. My mind is always moving, questions constantly forming, brain continually on go.
D/s has helped me with a great number of personal issues; from sex to stability in daily life, to overall happiness and the way I approach life in general, to the health of my marriage and coping with past abuse. Most of all, for my mind? It brings me stillness of being.
Lately I haven't been able to clear my mind. To slow down, stop the thoughts, and just...Be.
For the most part, subspace is easy to fall into. It's always there, one step off to the side, and there I am--down into the infinite abyss.
Over the last few weeks? I reach for space and, like a breath of air, it slips through my fingers. I teeter on the edge looking down, I step off the edge, and I can't fall in. I feel it brushing against my toes, I can smell it in the air, see it in my peripheral vision, and brush lightly against it. But I cannot float in it cannot feel my being sink below the surface, cannot slide over the edge. It's not just subspace, it's our space, and when I'm on the outside looking in at Him, it's lonely for both of us.
Because that stillness of being is hard to grasp these days. My mind won't slow down enough to let go and just Be. Normally it's like a circle, starting at one point and feeding through with space comes stillness of being, with the stillness comes space--that yin and yang where each side is essential for the other sides existence and stability, where together they create completion.
Stillness of being is not the same as sitting still. It's an essential space that is part of, and essential to...space.