Ironically, I am discovering that letting go is an act of will. In that moment when I begin to feel myself fighting, I make myself...Not. I use my will to bend to his, make it go whatever direction his will demands. And it's a bit of a new experience...
If I don't achieve some level of space, I don't enjoy sex. The first thing he says to me is always "down" and usually it takes a little while. I need help. I need something to happen that carries me there.
Last night he wrapped his hands around my head and told me "down."
And I went.
Too far to fast.
At first I felt all floaty and high. Then I felt like I was falling and developed an immediate case of vertigo. I really thought I was going to lose my dinner right there. The room was spinning, my stomach was somewhere in the vicinity of my head, and I felt a bit like I was a few shots past drunk.
Which is why I don't drink--I don't like that feeling.
He always knows if I am in space or not. I think he felt me pulling up, pulling back, grasping for solidity in my newly spinning world.
And it took me a minute to tell him what was going on when he asked. It seemed so...Ridiculous. "Yea, you told me 'down' and I feel like I went too fast. I have a terrible case of vertigo and am feeling like I'm going to puke right here."
Because really, who does that happen to, I mean, how totally ridiculous does that sound?
I have to admit, it sounds even more ridiculous in the light of day with my feet firmly planted on the floor and my head not spinning.
I hadn't realized that it was possible for me to go so far down so fast. And I think it took Alpha a bit by surprise too.
I knew he gave me butterflies. The vertigo? Well that's a whole new ballgame. Did I mention that I'm not sure I liked it?