Monday, June 13, 2011

Trauma Junky or Intensity Addict?

Ooh la la. It's just me, the little guy, a pound of coffee, and a huge pile of laundry for the whole entire afternoon!

I haven't been to happy with the direction my blog has taken lately. It seems like all the non D/s aspects of life really took it over and that's not what it is supposed to be about. On the other hand, it's a great reflecting board for me and when the D/s fades on my blog, it just shows me that it's faded to much from daily life.
I could claim that I've been all systems go "I'm a behaving and super awesome sub." But hey, no real point in lying right lol.

I have been called a trauma junky (I'll take my trauma without that heaping side order of drama though please). And maybe it's true to a certain extent. I thrive in the midst of trauma--it's the banality of misery that often follows that I have a hard time with.
I don't think it's so much about the trauma as it is about intensity though. As humans, we have a tendency to lie to ourselves and some experiences strip away our ability to do so because in those moments, there is nothing but reality.

Birth, death, joy, pain, sweat, blood, and tears. BDSM.

The raw purity in the intensity of life events that challenge everything we see ourselves to be. The circumstances that strip away all the meaningless things we let ourselves believe are important...That is where I am at my best. And yea, maybe sometimes those circumstances are me on my knees at His feet with tears pouring down my face. But they are still where I find the most wonder in life. Those circumstances without sugar coating and filtering. Where words become meaningless and all that is and will be exists only in that moment.
That is the space I love most and it has the potential to be an unhealthy addiction. But I think it's one of the reasons I find BDSM so attractive and addictive. Without a steady fix, I get hung up on the little shit. Those meaningless events and beliefs that we let have so much power in our lives.

In a couple of weeks, Alpha and I will have been together for 13 years. In that time we have experienced births, deaths, unimaginable joy and pain, and a plethora of events I would have never predicted in our lives. It's been a rough road worth every step and crazy wrong turn. But one of our most amazing discoveries has been ttwd. It allowed us to unleash parts of who we are that would have otherwise remained locked away in the closets of our minds. It gave Him tools to break through my walls and reach that place where sometimes it feels like not even our skin stands between us.
And the intensity addict in me loves every bit of it.

As a side note, I really appreciate everyone who comments. I like to respond to every comment and lately I just haven't been able to have the blog up much. So for every comment I haven't responded to, be it humorous and funny, or deep and insightful--thank you.


  1. "It gave Him tools to break through my walls and reach that place where sometimes it feels like not even our skin stands between us."

    Love that, so true!

  2. Beautifully written! Thank you....

  3. Heather and Histoy, glad you enjoyed the post.

  4. Congratulations on having been together so long, and held tight through what must have been an amazing journey! :D So glad that you two are going strong and sharing your story with all of us -- thank you.

    And, your last paragraph gave me the courage to comment. ;) I've only just discovered your blog (two days ago) but I have enjoyed what I've read so far. Articulate, thoughtful, and full of insight.

  5. acquiexence,
    Thank you. Glad you have enjoyed the blog. I used to never comment on blogs, but then I did and no one bit me lol.
    So thanks for the comment. I do enjoy getting them and have gotten both inspiration for posts and insights into topics I have written about from the people who take the time to drop by and say something about what I have written.


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