Sunday, February 10, 2013

A Question of Rules and Communication

 Got another question on the Q&A page...

"I'm in a relationship now, and while my boyfriend has taken on the role of Dominate, there are no rules. I don't know how I would tell him (or even bring the subject up) that I want rules in our relationship. I feel so awkward even thinking about talking to him about it, though I don't think I should. I've no idea how to broach the topic with him. It's making me feel weird being around him with this nagging in my head and heart."

To begin with, I have some thoughts on rules. And while I realize that this is an unsolicited opinion, I'm going to share it anyways lol. I hope you don't mind.

1. Sometimes there actually are rules, we just don't see them as such because they haven't been stated to us in that form.
2. Sometimes we place more importance on rules than we should, and thinking that we need them in their various forms, doesn't mean that they are actually as essential to D/s as we think they are.

Rules must exist to serve a purpose. If they don't, we quickly find ourselves disillusioned with them and wondering why we should follow them at all. If a rule has no meaning to them, it is nearly impossible for it to have meaning for us.

More rules doesn't necessarily mean "Better".

I would be willing to bet that you have the same rule the rest of us have, whether specifically stated or not--be and behave in a way that pleases him.

That said...

I know how difficult it can be to bring up things like wanting rules, (my difficulties with communicating such things were the inspiration for this blog's existence) but the truth is, they're never going to happen if you don't talk to your Dominant.
Just because something feels awkward and is outside our comfort zone, doesn't mean that it should be avoided.

One of the things that I have found about being submissive, is that having something on my mind and not sharing it with him, can really eat me up and create unnecessary barriers. Thus my rule about not only being truthful, but being forthcoming as well. Which, like everything else, fits under the general edict of pleasing him, (not as easy to follow such generalizations as one might think).
Oftentimes, we build something up so much in our minds, and stress about it so much, that we make it a far bigger issue than they will find it to be.

Personally, the first thing I would do is to sit down and have a serious think about why I want rules, what I would want to accomplish with them, and what kind might be beneficial and reasonably incorporated into life.
Why? Because getting what we want rarely takes the form that we think it will. And it's nice to be able to express why we want something when they ask us questions about it.

Then, sorry, but you're going to have to talk to him about it. And if rules do come into existence, they're going to have to be ones that he wants--otherwise they won't hold as much meaning and importance to you, and he won't be as invested in you actually sticking to them. They become pointless, because rules just for rules sake don't really mean anything.

I think that we all have a particular "space" where communication is not necessarily easier, but we know that we are safe to communicate anything. For me, that space often comes when I'm sitting at his feet.
There I know that, no matter how squirmy it makes me, no matter what the topic is, no matter how much I don't want to say it, I can. Because he will accept me for what I am.

So, in my opinion, finding that space, and saying something as simple as, "I think that I would like us to have some rules" is a great place to begin. You can't know where exactly things will go from there, but the only way to discover it is to start the conversation.

I wish you the best of luck, and I hope that you find a way to start a conversation about this with your Dominant.


  1. Well said!!! That echos mouse's views completely especially about the rules.

    There are a lot of unspoken rules..or things we do without thinking they are rules...


    1. Thank you mouse.
      And I do think that it is often those unspoken rules that really create the fabric...

  2. This was good advice lil. Looking back there were times when just spitting it out felt nearly impossible. Fast forward to now and not asking to bring something up in a timely manner is more stressful than just asking to talk.

    It took some time but eventually it hit home that our relationship could not be one of a true M/s dynamic unless Master had all the information about his slaves feelings.

    1. dancingbarez,
      oh just spitting it out can be so terribly difficult sometimes can't it?

      I think that it takes time for that one to hit home for many of us--that not sharing our feelings is kind of the opposite of doing a service to our Dominants and our relationships.

  3. from a practical standpoint the best way to start this kind of conversation with a Dom is by asking questions instead of listing wants. So instead of saying "I want some rules" or "I want to have a conversation about you giving some rules" better to start with "Sir in an effort to better please you do you think it would be possible to have a conversation about the way I could specifically behave to please you?"

    Then see where it goes, I do believe lil though that rules are a somewhat over played aspect of D/s.

    1. Sir J,
      thank you for sharing your thoughts.
      I think it's fair to say that approach has never been my strong point lol.

  4. Very well said Lil. This got me thinking too so thank you for posting.

    I really like the points you raise at the beginning. Sometimes there are rules, we just don't see them as such because they are not specifically told to us. I totally agree too that we can sometimes place more importance on having rules than we should. Also that they must exist for a purpose. No good can come of having rules for the sake of having rules.


    1. Roz,
      thank you. The whole "thinking" bit is a double edged sword--people aren't always happy about it lol.


Play nice.