Friday, February 8, 2013

Me and the Lies I tell Myself

I have a pretty good grasp on me, and for the most part, I'm comfortable with who I am.

Yes, the catch here would be "For the most part."

I don't "Do" lies of omission. Just doesn't work--even if I could pull it off, I would be completely miserable until he dragged whatever it was out of me.

Lies to myself that I firmly believe however? Different story altogether. I am actually quite good at them.

Uh huh, I'm still going on about the whore thing.

The thing about lying to oneself is that, if you do it for long enough, what you say almost becomes true because you have spent so much time telling yourself that it is.

More coffee anyone? Great, bring me another cup too please.

One of the problems is, that it becomes a bit like the butterfly effect--one little thing causes changes to other little things, and before you know it, something big that you hadn't anticipated changes as well.

Then one day you wake up to the uncomfortable realization that someone else knows a part of you far better than you do, because they chose not to believe the lies that you told yourself.

Where on earth am I going with this? Well I do have a direction, (or two) in mind, but it might not land on earth.

I have always had terrible self control. I mean, really bad. But I place a great value on Alpha's self control, so I spent a long time thinking that I had to cling to my own crappy self control. Kind of along the lines of not expecting something from someone else that I'm not willing to do myself I guess.
The thing is, by spending so much time trying to exert self control, I wasn't leaving room for his control.


Oh yea, the lies I tell myself.

He knows the sexual part of me far better than I know it myself.
He knows that I'm a hopeless flirt, that I have a severe weakness for men with a Dominant bent,  that I have great morals which are not complimented by my shoddy self control, and that I'm kinky enough to make the majority of people cringe (including myself).

He also knows how very much I don't like to admit those truths to myself, let alone him. But if I haven't admitted them to myself, then I'm not hiding them from him right?
Logic might not be my strong point, but I'm pretty good at twisted logic!

Now back to that pesky butterfly effect thing...

By spending so much time repressing traits related to my sexuality, I did a damn good job repressing my sexuality altogether. I would like to say that it was completely inadvertent, but I'm trying to work on that whole "lying to myself" thing lol.

I think though, that his control of me far exceeds the control I had/have of myself, and that he knows my sexuality so much better than I do because he is more accepting of it than I am.

Perhaps being a whore isn't the issue at all--but that what matters is whose whore, and the control of the person she belongs to...


  1. I've said this too Musicman too, I'll be YOUR whore, or YOUR slut or whatever else YOU want me to be. It matters immensely to me, WHO I'm doing it for. I'm actually much better at doing things for him then I am for myself, go figure.

    1. faerie,
      I think that it really is the "Your" which is key here...

  2. I am so bad to myself but oh so good for him. I wonder all the time why I can't or won't do something but as soon as He tells me to I do it so fast my tail spins. It must be the control thing!

    1. Brattyredsub,
      I have always felt that personal motivation was important, but I am much better with his kind of personal motivation lol.

  3. Does it help you to know that what you write is shared by others? I'm one. So much of what I would like to say to you I hold back; I should not tell of what should be done when I fail to follow the same. Instead could I just give you (((HUGS)))

    1. Jacquie,
      It does make me feel better (even if it maybe shouldn't lol).

      Isn't it so much more fun to give advice than it is to follow it oneself though?

  4. I know how you feel. I have issues with the "slut" and "whore" words too. Too much negative connection to those words from my childhood I think. And I'm a terrible liar as well, except when it comes to lying to myself. But have you noticed how hard it is to maintain that lie in your own mind once someone has given you a hummer of the truth?



    1. Turiya,
      you make a very good point--it is terribly difficult to continue lying to yourself once someone else has pointed out the truth.

  5. I get your logic, me i tend to want to place the blame at his feet as in he has made me what i am but the reality is its always been *there* it just needed bringing out.

    I want to deny myself facing up to the truth because really im not sure i want to admit that i have the desires i do, i want to bury them yet at the same time i crave them.

    now that might need copious amounts of coffee to understand!


    1. tori,
      I got it! And only 1/4 cup of coffee. Lol.

      Maybe it's not "twisted logic" but "sub logic" lol.

  6. i have spent years lying to myself, i'm pretty successful at it too. and your logic sounds much like my own brand of logic... it has recently become not so very strange to find people who share my thoughts and feelings, and i had thought i was all alone in my delusions. i can see what you mean about people finding interactions on here helpful. x

    1. Painjunkie,
      welcome to my crazy corner.

      I think it's nice to find people who share similar thoughts and feelings--Blogland is an interesting community, and I think it gives many of us interactions that we would not otherwise be able to have.


Play nice.