Friday, February 15, 2013

Nothing Interesting Here

Seriously, everything worth reading is listed on the blogroll.
Don't say you weren't warned! My sense of humor seems to be lost today, if anyone finds it, I would much appreciate its return lol.

I tend to get a bit disillusioned this time of year because nearing the conclusion of another trip around the sun never seems to mean that I am actually doing anything different--I'm usually pretty much right where I was the last time around lol.

In home care-giving is trying to suck me back in...

The last time I did in home care...Well, it was pretty wretched. I was so over the moon delighted when Alpha told me to quit. Seriously, if I could do back-flips...
Then my former employer committed suicide several months after I quit.
And I said that I wouldn't do that kind of work anymore.
Because often, paid caregivers are the only thing in their life that people who require care can control. So they will exert that control to the entirety of possibility. You will see them at their very worst, and no matter how much they need the help, they will still resent your presence simply because they do need it.
And the state wants to know everything about you just short of your children's eye color.
And the job will always end in the same way whether you stick it out or quit--that person is going to die after years spent in pain, fighting against their own body's refusal to do as it should.


I could moan about why on earth do I find myself doing the same crap I don't like to do over and over again. But that answer is pretty obvious--we take what we can get, and what we can get is largely dependent on what we are good at doing.

And it's ironic because, really, how does one get to be so good at doing things they despise?

At the moment, there seems to be no s to Alpha's D.
Because I'm too caught up
in all the things that are, or could have been.
In all the things I should have, but didn't do.
In the things I did do, that I maybe shouldn't have.

Because as another year goes by, the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Because on my son's birthday, my mom felt the need to remind me how much mine was absolutely going to suck when it rolled around. Which is okay, because I understand the sentiment--I always miss my dad more on my birthday, and I know it's hard for her because we're human, and we like to reminisce about our children's birth with the other person responsible for their creation.
And it really is okay, but I still feel that it was an unnecessary point for her to make lol.

And that, is all the good news from the happy corner today!


  1. No wise words or advice to give... but I can give *big hugs*. Hope that helps.


    1. Thank you Turiya. I appreciate your kind thoughts.

  2. Move over honeybun, I want to join you in that corner. I understand totally about being a caregiver and no matter how rewarding it can be, it still sucks big ones. Try and hang in there, word on the street is that spring is coming.

    1. *Scoots over to make room for Faerie's buns and hands over the coffee.

      Ooh, did you say spring?! I'm all about that one...

  3. I found a beaten up, dessicated little sense of humor wandering around last night. When I stuck it in a bucket of water to rehydrate it, it asked for coffee instead. Must be yours.

    When it's done soaking, I'll pop it in a ziplock baggie, and mail it back to you. I have no clue how it got this far. ;D

    1. Lm,
      Omg, that's totally awesome.
      Thank you! I'll make sure to soak the poor thing in loads of coffee to keep it properly hydrated.
      Maybe I should invest in another good leash to keep it closer to home...

  4. lil, im really not great at dealing with emotions, but what i will say is back when i had all that shit at work (with the child neglect issue) it tore me apart, i put on a brave face, i jolly along and make light of things (i do that when im hurting)...but it really knocked me, confidence everything.

    It spilled over into my relationship with the bossman and with my children, i was at one point thinking what the fuck was the point, i wanted to throw it all away, i think if it wasnt for the bossman supporting me and giving me a kick up the ass i was close to getting depressed.

    You have moved on, you only have to read back through the last year of this blog to see that..and this im sure is just a small glimpse into your life.

    Focus on the positives you have around you because im sure if you do you will realise they far outweigh the negatives.

    ok verbal ass kicking done lol


    1. tori,
      I suddenly realize that I neglected to mention that I haven't even taken the position yet, and it's not many hours...I have the weekend to decide.
      Though the irony of taking a private housekeeping job and watching it morph into in home care is a bit odd lol.

      I think that might be the most pleasant verbal ass kicking I have ever gotten!
      Thank you.

  5. lil: The last birthday I had, hit me really hard and messed with my head --I so understand your sentiment of things being the same--in my case, it was feeling like I hadn't accomplished anything--but giving my attention to all that I have accomplished helped, and so did turning it all over to my Sir (in a way, I almost literally "gave it all over to him", he took care of all the birthday stuff including deciding who to spend it with, who to speak to and how because this was a very emotional-trigger time and there were a few though well meaning people in our life who on that day wasn't worth the extra drama--the compromise was to speak to them the day after and it helped) and leaning on our D/s in this way really helped to soothe the birthday-depression. Basically, a whole new protocol for dealing with birthdays was designed! :o)

    Lots and lots and lots of hugs with extra coffee.

    1. Bleuame,
      yes, it really is the timing of this that's screwing me up so much I think--I got out of this kind of work, and now it's waving it's grubby little hands at me and inviting me back in right before I turn another year older.
      It isn't very inspiring for the future--it kind of drives home that whole sense of not having accomplished anything.

      While I'm sorry to hear you had a rough time leading up to your birthday, I must admit to being glad that I'm not the only one it happens to!

      As much as I would love to lean on our D/s, I'm having one of those weeks where I feel about as submissive as a rabid dog lol.

      Thank you for the support, the hugs, and the extra coffee!

  6. On the bright side, this means you are NOT "living in interesting times"...

    1. Jz,
      lol--that one's almost as bad as "may you have many children and may they all be girls!"
      Come to think of it, that's something to be really happy about--not living in interesting times, and not living in a house full of teenage girls. Hmm, things suddenly look better than they did two minutes ago lol.

  7. Keep your head up lol. Sometimes we feel at a big stand still right before something good comes our way.

    You said you "s" is out of whack, maybe you just need some heavy handed dominance to get you back on track. Of course that's always my answer to everything.

    1. dancingbarez,
      I have to say, that is usually a very valid and effective method!

      And the stand still isn't Always right before a huge cliff? I might have to think about that one...

  8. Wishing I had something wonderful and uplifting to say but it has all been said.

    About the job however, in our house if one person hates their job it tends to spill over to the home. It makes me asess what we really REALLY need. Just a thought.

    1. Kat,
      it's not enough hours to be really bad...But the timing couldn't have been worse as far as that feeling of not being quite where I should be lol.

  9. The old Lady, Lisa and I take care of, absolutely hates all those care givers that all have keys to her house. We have told her, that those care givers are the only thing that stands between her and an institution for demented people. She knows, she is grateful, but she still hates the whole situation. She has been alone in her house all of her adult life. She is a night owl, goes to bed around 5 am. And then: "around 8 am somebody is in my bedroom and tries to make me eat pills as big as my thumb. I exhausted fall back to sleep, only to be awoken again by another one vacuuming around my bed. When that noise at last stops, yet another one wakes me up by pulling of my clothes and announcing cheerfully that is time for my shower. And all I can think is: This is my house, I'm the boss here."
    Receiving and giving care is difficult but necessary. I wish there was a better solution.
    I hope your Birthday will be great. As a father myself I don't like the idea, that my death would make my daughters birthday suck for the rest of her life.

    1. Bas,
      In home care is just hard on everyone involved isn't it. And I think that often, the people giving the care forget that those who need the service are adults, (making room for the possibilities of limited mental capacity) who have lived and done things that we will never even know about--because all they see is what that person has become. But the person receiving care knows, and it's hard on them to accept that they aren't and can't do all those things any more.

      And thank you--I have every intention of having a lovely birthday this year.
      I think that perhaps we always shed a tear on birthdays when a parent is no longer with us, but that certainly doesn't mean that every birthday will suck.


Play nice.