Thursday, July 10, 2014

Real People Do Not Reality Make

Normally, I prefer to watch shitstorms from afar in fascinated horror. Unless, of course I'm in the middle of it. Scrap that, shitstorms are always better from afar. But I do keep in mind that there are real people at the center of them, even if I'm lucky enough to not be one of them.

This time though, I think that I'm going to offer some opinions to the world in general, even though it has nothing at all to do with me. While I do not wish to feed the need for attention that some people have, I also have something to say, and it's not fading out of my mind quite as fast as I had hoped.

So this is about people. No matter the context, we are all human, and humanity is not always good, nor are people always worth caring about.
Everyone has a line that once crossed, there is no going back. While I am saddened by the people I have cut out of my life because of that line, including someone I practically raised, that line is a necessary component to the well-being of myself and my family.

Upon occasion, I have been accused of being aloof and stuck up. Such statements never fail to make me blink in surprise, because I consider myself to be neither.

The thing is, people lie. One day someone will be your best friend, the next they will show you that the years you spent "knowing" each other were all bullshit. It has happened to me more times than I care to admit. So I keep to myself. I don't look for new friends, I don't often take people at  their word, and I try really hard to  ignore the itch for female confidants.

I see people getting truly hurt by the lies of others, and becoming justifiably angry about deceptions. The truth is, people lie. I long ago discovered that my addiction to the truth is not shared by many. Sometimes people  get needy, and they fill those needs in whatever manner they can. Often any attention will do.

Why, here in Blogland, should it be any different?

I am always open to new interactions, and have been blessed with a few ladies who I consider to be my friends. But for the most part, I keep my interactions confined to blogs themselves.
Sure, there are real people on the other side of the page, but there's no guarantee that real people will share their reality.

I learned long ago to trust that moment when something or someone feels...Off. I have regretted every time I talked myself out of trusting that first instinct.

I think that sometimes we get lonely. Sometimes we aren't happy with our own reality. Sometimes real people falsify reality, and real people get hurt. Because they believed. Because they cared. Because they gave in to that itch for female confidants. Because sometimes we all get a little bit lonely and need someone to talk to.

I have been accused of being cold and hard to reach, but the truth is, it's better to be lonely than lied to. There's so much less heartache.

To some of us, a lie is a big deal, to others it is simply something they move on from--no big deal.
The truth is, not everyone tells the truth.

I was raised in a painfully truthful household, a place where honesty was valued above all else, and lying was the ultimate crime. I hate to admit how long it took me to absorb the fact that not everyone has that approach.

In my experience, lies come from an inner unhappiness, the desire for attention, a lack of belief in ones self. The need for attention that only drama can bring. And sometimes people just want to fit in, an affliction that I am thankfully not very prone to given that I've never really fit in anywhere.

I do feel like bloggers have a certain responsibility to their readers. Blogs are a huge resource for people beginning to explore D/s and DD. Creating fictional realities sets up false expectations of how newbies think that their realities should be and what really constitutes a lifestyle where one partner is fundamentally in control.

As a general rule, I just walk away from blogs if I smell bullshit, and try to keep my quiet when reality strikes. That is why I rarely reach out, and I keep my circle small. Because not everyone values honesty, and I've been burned enough times to realize that it hurts like a bitch to be the only one in a friendship who is being honest.

Since I'm promoting the business of being truthful, there really are some ladies in Blogland that I would love to meet, and maybe if I'm very lucky, one day I'll be able to take that step off the ledge and the internet. Ultimately, that decision will never be up to me though. Alpha trusts my judgement, but values his privacy to an extreme.

Anyways, I'm getting off track, as usual...

I do think that a lot of bloggers share their truth, and there is probably more honesty than not. In the anonymity of the internet, who better to be than oneself?
My observations over the last four years have led me to believe that the majority of false blogs exist to garner attention and sympathy, and are quite entertaining and very short-lived. That's one of the reasons that the current blow up in DD circles is so extensive--some people are capable of taking lying to an extreme that many of us have a difficult time even conceiving of.

Often I see DD and D/s circles described as having a kind of familial relationship, and I see the merit in that, I really do, it is one of the things that I appreciate about Blogland; however, sometimes family will screw you over worse than any stranger ever could. People we have invited into our home and known for years have betrayed us in epic ways that shocked me to my core. People are people, and those who blog are no exception.

Sometimes it gets lonely because it's nice to have friends, because we all want to believe in the inherent goodness of people. The truth is, people are not innately good, nor are they necessarily interested in being truthful. Because real people do not reality make.


  1. As usual, I love what you do with words. No comment hesitation here. (lol)

    1. sunnygirl,
      Thank you!
      Nice to know--I'm always happy to hear from a fellow fliter-challenged mind, lol.

  2. I've been using the internet a long time (long before it became the web) and it doesn't improve with age or scale. Sad to say. It's just harder to spot the difference between truth and lies. I would love to open up and make RL friends with bloggers but I am very wary, because of all you say above and I don't have the thick skin to deal with consequences if it went wrong.

    1. DelFonte,
      I would love it too! Like you though, I'm not a thick skinned person...Often wish I was though.

  3. I started using the internet back when you were charged by the minute, only 6 machines in the entire computer rooms of the learning establishment where I was (100+ computers) had modems which you had to go and ask for and they made that audible dial up code noise...

    I digress, but what I mean was, it was all very new, everyone had nonsensical 'handles' and everyone was extremely aware that you had no way of knowing if people were who they said they were. Yes, I can generally get a feeling if something is 'off' and if I get it I run the hell outta Dodge. Otherwise I take people at face value but that early novelty feeling has never really rubbed off and at the back of mind I think I still presume everyone is really a romanian truck driver...

    I have to say, I am now CONSUMED with curiosity as to what has happened in blog land?! I don't read DD blogs really (not for me) so I haven't a clue!

    also, I'm sorry I haven't been commented much - actually, I have, but my comments keep getting eaten for some reason... Am waiting with bated breath to see what happens to this one..

    1. mc kitten,
      Lol! I'm trying to envision what the typical Romanian truck driver looks like, but all I keep getting is redneck.

      I'm (selfishly) sorry Blogger keeps eating your comments! It can be so damn finicky sometimes, I just want to kick my computer...

  4. So true Lil,
    Just take comfort in knowing that those people will always eventually fall flat on their face, and everyone will see them for what they are. Just sucks when they are, lets say, dating your brother! You know...hypothetically.
    Glad to hear you and Alpha are together right now.

    1. FOS,
      ah yes, those "hypotheticals". Sometimes they're your sil too. It's hard when things like that are so close in your family.

      It's good to be with him! Those were a long couple of months apart.

  5. It's funny you should mention this...I talk to my SO/BF/Dom-type-person sometimes about how some of the blogs I follow seem to be just too damned good to be true. Like, it's all a big, swoony fantasy where nobody ever gets pissed or upset and they live in perfect D/s harmony forever and ever amen. And I'm like, "how the hell do they do that???" and Q tells me, "they lie. that's how" and I guess in some of those cases it's probably true, but it's a little sad-making isn't it? When you go to someone's blog, reading about their life, their struggles (or lack thereof) and you get influenced by them or you get jealous when you compare yourself to them and you start to think, "wow, I'll never be that (insert desired adjective here ______)" and then one day you find out, it was all a lie, total fiction and it is a little like a kick in the teeth. Not everyone lies, that's too damned easy a cop out that lets folks think they can and should be dishonest when the fact is- it sucks, it will always suck, and it shows a distinct lack of character and respect for people. Do people have the right to do it? Sure! It's their blog and their writing, they can do whatever the hell they want to with it. But does that mean it's not damaging when they portray fiction as truth? Cuz I think it is.

    (And for the record, I have no idea who/what the initial post was inspired by, this is just my opinion based on my own dealings with people who turned out to be completely fake/dishonest and the fallout that ensued.)

    1. Tamar,
      lol, yes--the big swooney fantasy has never particularly attracted me as reading fodder.
      I do honestly think that there is...More selective posting than lying--like people often prefer to leave out all that life shit that sucks and present only the golden side of their reality. That's something which, while I don't tend to read it, I do feel like they aren't being dishonest--just very selective. And that's fine because blogging really is whatever snapshot we choose to share.
      Though, there are those times when I'm like uh huh, I'll take a side order of unicorn with that.

  6. The extent or extreme people will go to never cease to amaze me. The things people come up with never ceases to amaze me. People in general never cease to amaze me.

    Here in Blogland, where everyone one is anonymous, is the place for you to be yourself, where you won't be judged (much) where you can lay it all out there. Why would you want to lie?

    PS, are any of those ladies/blog friends someone I know? ;)

    1. Sarah,
      I love it when humanity proves me wrong and does something golden. Though, more often than not, my cynicism is proven justified.

      I agree with you totally about Blogland--it's the perfect place to be oneself, even if it is sometimes a struggle to walk that line between being oneself and not outing oneself.

      I admit nothing! Alpha says I'm a tease...Dunno where on earth he would get an idea like that...

  7. I've found that truth doesn't hurt near as bad as lies do.

    And I agree that we should expect no different from people here than in life...which is really sad.

    I have had a few friends that attracted drama, and no good comes from having friends like that.

    1. Misty,
      very true. In a way truth is a lot like pain, whereas lies are like misery--one can have a cathartic cleansing affect, while the other just makes you feel...Icky. Dunno if my analogy really made any sense...

      You're right--no good seems to come of it. And trying to help them seems to backfire in a terrible way!

  8. Sooooo with you on the honesty thing.
    I find it just baffling that so many don't seem to notice it...

    1. Jz,
      Iknowright!?!? Sometimes I just sit here scratching my head...

  9. Thank you for pointing out the need for honesty. I don't read a lot of blogs and don't fit in on discussion boards, mainly because 1) So many bloggers do seem to be making it up, and 2) Posters on discussion boards are striving to be like certain bloggers. It's really sad. Is this really how people get their kicks?

    1. Anon,
      I'm glad that you appreciate my thoughts on this subject.

      As I said in a response somewhere above, I believe that there's a lot more selective writing than actual lying. But yes, everything one finds is not truth. Sometimes I think people just have way to much time on their hands, and are looking for attention in whatever form they can get it...

  10. I am terrible at working out the truth from the lies, but then i can only write with honesty. But, as lil said in her post, many newbies use blogs to learn - i know i did. It makes me sad to think that people pretend something is real when it is fiction.

    1. Joolz,
      It can be difficult to think about people lying when one comes from a place of honesty!
      I devoured blogs at an unhealthy rate when we first discovered ttwd, and I feel that anyone with a sense of integrity should feel a certain sense of responsibility to be truthful, regardless of how we highlight certain aspects and leave out others.

  11. This is very true Lil. I like you point about about blogs being a resource and creating false realities sets up false expectations for those new to the lifestyle. This blogger is someone I considered a role model (for want of another term) in the DD community.


    1. Roz,
      I think that you are not alone in feeling like she was a role model. I have noticed a fair amount of newbies weighing in, now doubtful of blogging in general.
      My hope is that the general outcry and dismay from the rest of the blogging community will put their minds to ease that such is not the norm. Especially with established bloggers.

  12. Lil,
    Yes, truth and honesty---those things that have a lot to do with being vulnerable and open. A blog is a great place to do that. But the anonymity is also a great place to go the other way.
    I love the light you cast on this.

    1. Thank you, Bleueame.

      I think that which way we choose to take the possibilities of anonymity are based on our overall character. As in any situation with people, there are those that will strive for honesty and those that will take advantage of the situation and go in the other direction.

  13. This is truly a thought-provoking post. I wonder how much of blogland is reality or madeup fiction or just plain lies. Lies are hurtful. Lies lead to more lies. Lies lead to sneaky and cheating behavior and then someone is hurt. You believe there is complete anonymity in blogs. I don't. I've been able to read some and figure out who is who. When one person writes nothing but lies about another person and all that person's friends feel sorry for her is that fair? What about the person who has been lied to or lied about?

    There are two sides to every story and blogging only gets one of those two sides. I understand it's suppose to be being able to tell a story and remain anonymous. Some of these people don't live in reality.

    Lieing hurts oneself and other people. The truth hurts also but it's the truth and once you start to lie how does the other person distinguish then from the truth and lies. I'm for honesty but in the middle of two people who have decided to lie.

    1. Anon,
      I think that the amount of anonymity we maintain is based on the efforts we put into it. Sometimes we slip up and are not as anonymous as we wish to be.

      My husband likes to say that there are three sides to every story--my side, your side, and the truth.

      I think that often lies are a habitual behavior, and there are people that tend towards lying and people who don't. What happens in Blogland is simply an extension of our overall characters.

      Lying and the consequences of doing so can be hurtful and damaging in any format.

  14. Ah lil. A great post as always. I pop into blogland from time to time and I gotta say, what I read recently...... I actually don't know what to say. And while I find myself feeling empathy for those involved in this more closely than I, in what I see as a huge deception, I also find myself questioning what/who is 'real' and what/who is not. Blogging is all about anonymity I know but i dunno, I just feel really shocked and sad y'know?

    Dee x

    1. Dee,
      as always, it's lovely to see you visiting!
      I think that it is possible to maintain anonymity and still be truthful. That is why I accept that what we are given are the snapshots that people wish to share. But as I saw someone point out recently, there's a huge difference between that and making up outright falsehoods.

      I think that the real bite about this particular event was the amount of time the deception was maintained. And I truly do feel that it is a rare exception--most people who invent it all get bored and move on rather quickly.

      Sorry you came visiting at such an uproarious time!

  15. Im not sure what aDD blog is (almost 6 years as a blogger and I'm still mystified by bits and pieces. And if course am morbidly curious about all the too -do. Mostly I don't have time for internet drama- between my vanilla life and Master there just aren't enough hours in the day. Still. ..I appreciate what you've said here. My blog world is mostly fantasy because writing is why I started to blog in the first place. But the bits and pieces that I share about M and I are all true.. and the bare minimum that he will allow me to share. Sofia and Jz and fiona can all verify that I'm real. And I hope you continue to find thosekindred spirits and can ignore the fakes and not let them hurt you.

    1. nilla,
      Nice to see you! I was actually at your corner yesterday and tried to leave a comment, but Wordpress hates my guts or something, so yea...I'll just do it here! So: Hope that your back is feeling better. My body has great timing like that too--in fact, I was the victim of an awesomely bad period on our anniversary and first night without kids in I can't remember how long, so I feel for ya.

      Those particular posts revolving around the drama seem to be disappearing left and right...
      DD, domestic discipline. Seems like a bit more of a control and punishment dynamic than a sexual one, often (certainly not always) with a base in Christianity (from my experientially [that should really be a word] limited pov).
      Truthfully, not a whole lot of them seem comfortable with someone who identifies as slave or enjoys pain...There are some lovely ladies, don't get me wrong, but a number of them do sometimes tend to judge D/s a bit harshly, so that's not my primary roaming grounds.

      I appreciate your mix of fiction and reality because you are honest about which is which (and hey, if you have Jz's seal of approval, that's quite good enough for me).
      And yea, those damn tentacle stories are my guilty pleasure, lol. It's the tiniest bit possible that I have read them all a time or two. They wouldn't be quite so attractive if I thought they were true...

      I tend to try and avoid drama, but I discovered such a big to-do, and honesty is just one of those hot-button issues for me, I couldn't resist. There's a big difference between being very selective about what one shares and presenting fiction as reality over the course of years...


Play nice.