Wednesday, July 30, 2014

To See One As Being Better Than the Other

I think that I finally managed to perfect the nonsensical title.

Here's where I'm going--the concept of M/s being "better" than D/s, or D/s being "better" than M/s.

Did I miss the memo where this was all one big competition? Seriously, people seem to think you're either too far in, or not far enough. Who appoints these ttwd police?

Personally, I prefer the deep end. All in and one step from drowning. It's who I am and how I'm made. I want to go as far as I possibly can, hand over everything that I am until there's nothing left and the nothing itself completes me. I need to be consumed in the fires of his needs, no way out, only further in. I'm an experience junky, a slut for everything I enjoy, a whore to everything that makes me feel truly alive. It's who I am and how I have always been. Right or wrong, that is the window through which I view ttwd.

We have been together for a long time. Sixteen years. About half of those years were before D/s. I don't need negotiation, I don't need my own terms, I don't need to consent anymore. Because I am, we are, it is the way it is.
Physically, yes, I might capable of walking away. But it was truth when he said that I'd always be his. Even if we parted ways, there would be part of me that would always belong to him, no matter what. There is nothing he would do that could change that. No matter what choices he makes, I will never walk away. I feel that I long ago ceased being able to do so.

That's me. My life. Who we are. And I'm okay with it.

There's not a damn thing wrong with playing in the shallows. In fact, sometimes that is the healthiest place for one to be.

I think that sometimes our own insecurities provoke us to pass judgement on those who's relationships differ from our own--the submissive criticizes the slave because they wonder if their own  submission is enough, the slave criticizes the sub because she wonders if her personal submission is too much.

I have very strong opinions which are sometimes misinterpreted. Ttwd is not a game for us, it's our life. I think that, for many, it is a game. And I truly do believe that's okay, but if you don't want it to be a game, if you want to go deeper, there are certain things and patterns that you have to outgrow, change, and accept. You cannot have it both ways.
That's not me saying that full-time submission is better than part-time. It is simply the truth as I see it to be. I have no interest or even thoughts, really, for D/s that is a game--that is not within the scope of my experience. Nor do I have any desire for it to be so.

I have been trying to walk a middle line with this, because I really do hate seeing anyone express that slave or sub is "Better". I hate to sound trite, but ultimately, it's like comparing apples and oranges--they're both friggin fruit, but they are most definitely not the same thing. They're both good, but one is really only better insofar as the way that you personally feel about eating it. And there's no one "twue" fruit.

I've been blogging for about four years, most of which I identified as a submissive. That has changed. And so, I have noticed, has the way that some people approach their comments. It has also changed my perspective about the comments and posts that I have read elsewhere.

If you are going to criticize someone as being too far in, as not looking out for themselves enough, for abandoning what you believe reality to be, for living in the deep end and sharing their views, perhaps it would be good to check your own insecurities before passing judgement.
If I am advocating for too much and you are afraid that you aren't giving enough, it is not a reflection on me if you feel that I think I am better. It is simply your interpretation of my thoughts.
I live in my mind, and as the saying goes, "I am both better and worse than you can possibly imagine". I know that I am not better than you simply because I live my life as a slave. Nor am I any worse.

Slave, submissive, or vanilla, we all strive to live in a way that works for us. My way is better because it's mine (well, his). Ideally, we are all happy enough with our choices to feel the same way, and intelligent enough to think about what comes out of our mouths (or fingers, as the case may be) before we allow our own insecurities to criticize others.


  1. Yes, yes and yes.
    Interesting point about blogging and how comments may be skewed, oh yes.

    1. Bleueame,
      It's kind of odd to watch that particular evolution of perception...

  2. I am internet applauding you so hard right now.

    1. Kaya,
      *Takes a bow*
      Not many opportunities for that around here, lol.

  3. Amen!

    Just because something works for you doesn't mean it works for me, and that doesn't make either of us better or ignorant for people to think otherwise.

    This could be applied to sooooo many different ways of life... especially religion...but it's probably best not to go there :)

    1. Misty,
      lol, yes--religion is one area I do try to avoid...Gets sticky awful quick!

      P.S Sorry about the whole thinking thing! It's contagious...

  4. Well said, as usual. While I like most fruit, I like some more than others and some not at all. Why should anyone but me care? Live and let live, why is that such a hard concept for people to grasp?

    1. "Live and let live" well said Sunny!

      lil - can I also add - It's also ok to be "friends" (blog buddies, internet friends, whatever) with someone who has a different dynamic than you. Just because someone might "part time D/s" doesn't mean she can't read or comment with someone who is "full time."
      Just do what works best for you and let it fall under the umbrella of ttwd. :)

    2. sunnygirl,
      What?! You mean you don't like all fruit? How dare you?! :)
      Dunno why the whole concept of live and let live is so foreign to some people...

    3. Sarah,
      Very true. Thought it went without saying (for once, lol). :)

      I do like a nice big umbrella...

  5. It's funny - I often feel the opposite: that people assume I'm playing or not serious or whatever because I don't, well, I'm honestly not sure what I don't do or write about. Perhaps because I still often need to talk things out for myself. That's just me, I have to analyze, even if I've accepted wholeheartedly. Maybe because there are times we are in the shallow end of the pool (lake, quarry, ocean...). He has uses the whole pool, the deep end, the high dive, the shallow end, the kiddie pool even when he feels that is what is called for.
    I called myself submissive for a long time also, and I still have not found a definition of that vs. slave that really makes sense to me. It was never conditional, or part time; it was always his pool and I've always been in it for good.

    1. gg,
      I find it a personal source of irritation that I can see both sides. I have often felt like I wasn't taken seriously because, I dunno...I don't see us as being "Hardcore" or whatever. Then someone comes along and takes me seriously to the point of ridiculous, and i feel like there's no winning with people!

      Well said about it being his pool!

      Perhaps people misinterpret your humble approach (which I love btw), because you are brave enough to talk it out for yourself and you don't go around professing to know how it "should" be done...

  6. Another beautiful, well-put post. If there's one thing people take from reading these D/s, M/s, TTWD blogs, I hope it's that there is no one size fits all. There is no one true, bestest way to do submission/slavery. Every person is different, and every relationship is different and what works for one person might not work for someone else. The trick is finding what works for YOU, and your current relationship, and what you find fulfilling and healthy and enjoyable. It makes me really happy to read a blog where someone has found what they want and need and are loving their life and growing and learning in healthy ways, even as it makes me ache to read a blog where someone is stuck in something they aren't happy with and they try to contort themselves into what they think they want, even when they clearly aren't happy with it. My wish is for all of us to end up where we belong, and to be happy and healthy. I'm a dork like that. XD

    1. Thank you, Tamar.
      Lol, well, you're a very kind hearted dork.

      ttwd is kind of like finding a recipe and changing it to fit your needs--it's not going to be nearly as good out of the book. Now once you experiment with it and make it yours...

  7. I wish I could hit a thousand loves on this post. So perfectly said. I especially love this..

    "Did I miss the memo where this was all one big competition? Seriously, people seem to think you're either too far in, or not far enough"

    It is hard to render me speechless, but this post does.. I couldn't have said anything better on the topic. As always, wonderful post hon.


    1. Amber,
      Thank you! I will consider your comment equal to a thousand post loves, lol.

      Thanks again for your kind thoughts.

  8. A post that is so exactly correct that I wonder why we keep needing to say it loud and clear. I find it difficult to comprehend how competitive people are over everything in their lives. My life is not the same as your life, so to the competitive and critical people I go and live your stressful, hectic and competitive lives and I will continue to enjoy my peace, quiet and happy existence.

    1. Downunder Don,
      thanks for stopping by and commenting.

      Maybe the need to say it loud and clear just continues to occur for me because I can't seem to let go of, or get over, a thought if I don't do something with it. Usually repeatedly, lol.

  9. Why is this even a thing?
    I mean, I know it is ... people have made that manifestly clear.
    But WHY??

    Do we shun people for using a different grocery store?
    Must all my friends be brunettes only?

    Am I allowed to snap, "Get a Life!" to the people who waste their lives quibbling minutiae?

    You said it wonderfully -- but I'm still irate that it needs putting to paper at all.
    Much less repeatedly so...

    Sincerely, The Cranky Bitch

    1. Jz,
      I have no idea why it's a thing....

      And yes, we do shun people for using a different grocery store, how dare you?!
      Only brunettes without blond highlights.
      Because yea, God forbid one have an approach to life that is unique to themselves.

      Yes, totally allowed to snap "Get a life!" to the quibblers. Somebody's gotta do it!

  10. I can't figure out why it is a thing either. Why should it matter what others are or how they live their lives as submissives, slaves, bottoms, or avocados?

    Great blog!

    1. ksst,
      mmmm, avocado. Now I want avocado, dammit!

      Thank you.

  11. I can't figure it out either...i think that people forget that what is right for not what is right for others....It also ties in to the big discussion about what people call themselves...really??? Well written post...thanks
    hugs abby

    1. abby,
      I guess it's easy sometimes to paint the world with the same brush one paints their own life? Doesn't make it better for the rest of us, to be sure.

      Thank you.

  12. In absolute agreement! When did this become a competition? Brilliant post, thank you!


  13. Brilliant post Lil and very well said! It shouldn't be a competition. I think we become too hung up on labels. What is 'right' is what works for each couple ... and that may not be right for others.

    I like what Sarah said too. The thing I love about blogland is how diverse we are. I enjoy reading blogs of those who live a different dynamic from me and those are often the blogs that give me much food for thought and that I learn the most from.


    1. Roz,
      thank you!

      The diversity of Blogland truly is enjoyable. I don't get many other opportunities to interact with a group of people with so many different views and approaches to life...

  14. Lovely post lil, i always say its not about being better, its just simply different, we all have different needs.


    1. Thank you, tori!
      Yes, it is very much about meeting our different needs in whatever ways work best for us as individuals.

  15. Replies
    1. jennie bear,
      I'm glad that you liked it. You are very welcome, and thank you!


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