Saturday, August 16, 2014

The Downward Spiral

I feel like we never really bounced all of the way back from that couple of months I spent with my mom. Well, I never really bounced back. I went through  period of intensely craving structure, control, that overwhelming feeling of being owned...Then life set in.
Things just kept getting busier and crazier, he didn't have time, or energy, or...Then I got busy too, really busy, and we were both working until midnight, and all day on his days off...

We've been here before, I think most of us have. Life has it cycles of ups and downs, and so does D/s. It's just...This time, it's been a really long time. And if all goes well, things won't be calming down anytime soon, quite the opposite, in fact.

Our D/s is intrinsically wrapped up in sex. I have no sex drive. Zilch, zero, nada (you get the picture). Since, oh, April? Whether or not I feel sexy has a lot to do with my sex drive, and I've moved way past the sexy librarian stage onto, "I'm gonna live paperwork in my pj's" (not the sexy kind either. The paperwork or the pj's).

My desire to be controlled also seems to have gone the way of the dinosaurs. I don't want to be that woman who doesn't submit because she needs to feel Dominated to do so. I don't want to have the, "Well, if your not gonna_____, then I'm not gonna_____." approach to ttwd. I think it's a crappy, selfish approach that minimizes the depths of submission. Maybe I'm just not there yet (slow learner and all).

It's hard to climb up out of a downward spiral when one seems to have completely lost the desire to do so though...


  1. I can't say I'm that surprised -given all that life has thrown at you lately- but, sure as the earth revolves around the sun, you will find your way back...or he might find it for you...

    Funny that you talk about your sex drive being (somewhat) dependent on how sexy you feel. Last night, Master asked why I put on eyeliner a only few hours before bed (lol); I don't know what it is about that black stuff, but it makes me feel prettier. He thought I should take off my clothes to feel

    1. Misty,
      but maybe I don't want him to find it for me anymore! *Whines*
      Okay, maybe the hormone storm is abating and I do. Kinda.

      Lol! Mine thinks the same way. Somehow, I don't feel sexier without clothes though...Now eyeliner, that's a different story! Hmm, come to think of it, can't remember the last time I wore eyeliner...Must be too long, lol.

  2. I'm sorry things are so rough for you right now. I don't have any great words of advice, but I'm sending virtual hugs. Hope the spiral stops soon and you can find your way out.


    1. Awkward Frog Blue,
      thank you! It will get better, it always does. This time just seems to be dragging on exceptionally long...

  3. You've both had so much going on it's not surprising. I think it does tend to go in cycles, depending on other influences. You will find your way back, I hope soon.


    1. Roz,
      not too surprising, but still rather disappointing! I would have hoped that over time, these spirals would get shorter, not longer! But such is life...

      Thank you for your words of encouragement, Roz.


Play nice.