Sunday, August 31, 2014

Foundations and Their Maintenance

Tori was kind enough to offer me some writing fodder on my last post. After this I'll be fresh out of ideas again, so...Help? I know there's enough of you out there to offer me some kind of inspiration!

Tori asked:
"In your opinion, of course, what do you consider the most important foundations on which your relationship is built on in relation to it being M/s, and how does one maintain those foundations?"

My first thought was, "I like this question!" then, after thinking for a little bit, I found it a tad more complicated than it first appeared.
I think that the key here for me is my relationship. Because I think that, while such foundations often have many similarities, they will differ from person to person.

Bear with me here, this might become a bit of a ramble (I could say "Bare with me" but I'd probably get in trouble for offering to share nakedness).

I really didn't want to say trust, because it seems rather cliche, you know? Luckily for me, tori is a smart lady and made the question plural--nothing as complex as the supporting stones of a relationship can be reduced to any one thing.
So, I would have to say that, for me, the most important foundations that our relationship is built on in relation to M/s are trust, knowing, transparency, faith, and D/s.

I trust that he will never do anything he thinks will cause our relationship or myself irrevocable harm. This trust allows me to follow where he leads--without it, we would never have gone as far into the abyss as we have.

Knowing...He knows me. Not just superficially, he has known me for over half of my life, and often displays a more in depth knowing of me than I do of myself. While this can be rather irritating at times, it has an enormous impact on our M/s. This knowing has very little to do with my body, (though, don't get me started about how it responds soo much better to him than myself) but he know me. He knows my mind. He knows how I work, what makes me tick, my hatreds and my passions. He knows what I truly abhor, and what I only want  to think that I abhor. And he uses all this knowing to unravel me from the inside out, to bend me to his will, to make me want and need what he wants me to.

Transparency...Now this one is a bit tricky, because it's a one way street. The transparency I speak of is mine--he is not transparent to me. I'm okay with that. The thing is, if I feel like I'm not transparent, I am not...Hmm...I can't surrender all of me if he can't see all of me.
This transparency is key to how we work. If I feel like I am holding anything back from him, then I feel like I'm not really his. It keeps us in the shallows to a surprising extent.

Faith...I debated with myself for a while as to whether this was belief or faith (I will admit to doing a Google search which became frustratingly religious, but did help me clarify my meaning). Belief fits in with what we want to be true--we believe because we want to. Faith is accepting and opening one's mind, it is knowing that whatever will be will be, and going with it regardless of one's preconceived notions.
I have faith in him. In his abilities, his intent, who he is and how he wishes us to be.

D/s...It might seem kind of strange to define D/s as a foundation for M/s, but I think it works. Dominance and submission allows us to experience and live M/s. Without it, there is no M/s, and we could have never gotten to where we are today.

How do we maintain these foundations? Sometimes, not very well. Lol.
In all seriousness though, I think that we maintain them by staying true to the general principles of our foundations. If something feels...Wrong, then we need to look at where we are deviating from being true to ourselves and how our relationship works. It takes time and effort--acknowledging the energy it takes to maintain our personal sanctuary.
The single most solid example of maintaining our foundations is D/s--feeding it in various ways. Dominance and submission maintains our foundations by constantly reminding us of why we have them and the purposes they serve.
As to maintaining D/s itself...Well, still working on that one (slow learner here).


  1. oooh, I was looking forward to you answering this question! Plenty to ponder...

    as for more post fodder... Dare I bring up the subject of the cup again?! Just wondered if you had to keep pissing in it while you were apart, and if not, if you've had to start doing it again and how you feel about it all...

    1. mc kitten,
      ooh...The Cup...That might actually work for a post. Just so as you know though, it's likely to be one of those whiny things that makes you roll your eyes and want to chuck things at me....

    2. (((hugs))) i wouldn't worry, I'm still whining about this bell round my ankle.

      yeah, i know I know!

  2. WOW...and WOW again. When i read Tori's question i thought on it .....and had a tough time getting to an answer. You nailed it, i know it is relating to your relationship, but i have to say, most of it is a solid good foundation for most of us. BRAVO!!
    hugs abby

    1. abby,
      it wasn't as easy to answer as it first appeared, was it?
      Thank you!

  3. I have never thought of faith, and more than likely never would have until you mentioned it, but i do like the way you explained it, made perfect sense.

    Be honest i asked it because i was always so sure of what i believed were the foundations for my relationship, and lately im beginning to rethink them, this game me a lot to think about.


    1. tori,
      Thank you for the inspiration! I hope that I did it justice.
      I was thinking about it last night, and I suppose that my responses were all very one-sided, but I guess it's a perspective thing...

  4. This is such a great post. I think it may be one I need to come back and reread time to time as some of our struggles relate to these very concepts. Thank you for such a thought provoking post!

    1. Tomsroe,
      thank you! I'm glad that you liked it.

  5. I love how you are able to convey your thoughts to understandable words. Great post.

    1. sunnygirl,
      Thank you! I don't usually feel like my thoughts successfully translate into words...

  6. Awesome post Lil and very well said. Thank you for sharing. Love what you said about transparency, I hadn't really thought about it. Very thought provoking post.


    1. Thank you, Roz!

      Sorry about the whole "thinking" thing, lol.

  7. What a beautiful post, thank you so much! I liked the words you used, like faith and transparency, how you use it explains so much.
    Thank You

    1. ara,
      Thank you! I'm happy to hear that you liked the post.

  8. Transparency! I never would have thought of that one, but your right!

  9. I also love the part about transparency, but the part about faith really resonated with me, thank you for sharing. I wish I had some inspiration for you, I'm having trouble with that myself.

    1. Beth,
      I am glad that you liked it.

      Inspiration can be a tricky beast sometimes, can't it?


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