Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Thinking Again...

 This one's about a month old, but the drafts folder has gotten a bit out of hand, so it's Fall cleaning time.
On a completely unrelated note, am I the only person Blogger has erroneously decided isn't actually following any blogs, or is it being a bitch to everyone else too?

So, I have once again been indulging in that dangerous pastime known as thinking. Terrible habit, I know.

There are decisions and life choices which he simply refuses to make me go one way or the other. He says that they are choices I have to make for myself, yet he will often come to the point of expressing a preference one way or another.

Herein lies the conundrum of that approach--since integrating D/s so thoroughly into our lives, I have never made one of those big decisions in favor of the direction he wasn't promoting.

I always ultimately feel compelled to follow his wishes, even if he refuses to phrase them as orders. Only, however, after lengthy self-torment about making the right decision.

I have a work decision to make. It's becoming an obsession, even though time isn't really pressing at the moment.
He clearly wants me to take path A, but won't tell me to do so.
It is becoming painfully obvious through all my obsessing, that I will eventfully take the path he desires. Yet....I still have to obsess about the decision, even having a deep sense of where I will eventually end up.


Why do I always have to take the long and angsty track to everything? It's an annoying trait.

Yet, if I were to tell him today that I choose path A, he would be noncommittal. He would question why I made the choice I did, and insist that I be absolutely sure. Because, yea...He knows how I am. Queen of indecision here.

He can spend day in and day out telling me that I have to make the choice myself, but I don't know that I'm even capable of going against the direction he wants anymore...

"Sometimes" Ha!

Odd that someone so far in could still wake up one morning and think that it's a good idea to say "No". Though, I have a feeling that's going to bite me in the ass tomorrow morning. Perhaps quite literally...


  1. Nope your not alone, i pretty much expect to not be following any blogs every time i log on, and also, dont know if its the same for you but my draft folder is no longer in date order, there all mixed up..and im sure posts are missing...recent ones i have yet to finish...bloody blogger.

    As much as i prefer and like the approach of "this is what your going to do, how you are going to do it, there is no choice"

    Sometimes he wants me to get their on my own, to be active in my submission rather than passive, he provides the necessary tools to guide me but i have to choose in what direction i go.....and hopefully its the right direction lol

    Im only on my first coffee, so that might not make sense!


    1. tori,
      some days I wish I could kick Blogger! The closest I can get is the computer, and for some odd reason, it's against the rules for me to hit electronic devices...

      Hmmm, yes, this whole "active submission" thing isn't always easy, is it?

      I think it made sense, but I've only gotten down a 1/4 cup of coffee, so I can't make any promises...

  2. Yep...glad to know I am not the only one that isn't following any blogs! So frustrating....much like having to make decisions:) i totally get where you are coming from.

    1. little girl,
      and don't even get me started on what happens if I try to follow a blog from my dashboard...Damn Blogger!

      Sometimes I think I want to be in charge, then he makes me decide something and I change my mind, lol.

  3. I follow blogs but I don't always get a chance to read them - lol. I do hope that he doesn't bite your butt but just spanks it.

  4. Hi, was passing through and yes, blogger is being a real Bitch to more then you... :)
    Love the donkey image... lol ...

    1. 1ManView,
      at least it's not just picking on me special!
      The donkey is a good one--I'll probably reuse it, lol.

  5. Blogger is the...umm, breathe. Count to 10. 1...2...3...10. Nope, got nothing to say that wouldn't violate my mama's edict to say nothing if I can't say something nice. Pfft. Wish I still had bangs that would fly when I "pfft." ;-)

    I don't know the intricacies of your dynamic (<< that word gets old with repeated usage), so this may not apply. I do know leadership, and leader/subordinate responsibilities.

    One of the best qualities of the best leaders is the ability to strengthen subordinates' abilities, skills, knowledge, etc. Leaders build up their people and help them grow. The best subordinates look to their leaders' examples, emulate them within the scope of their positions. They respect, admire and trust their leaders' decisions and character. They believe in the trust their leaders place in them, and in doing so, they believe in themselves because of what they have learned, and because of the security of the relationship. They know a good leader helps facilitate their efforts and growth. A good leader supports their decisions, even bad ones, and helps them become better at making decisions.

    There is more, of course, but the gist is that he is expecting you to stretch your wings, use the confidence you have in your own knowledge and abilities, coupled with the confidence in knowing he is there to catch you and help guide you if you fail. You are submitting to him by exercising your strengths (i.e. bringing your intelligence and preferences to beat in making decisions about your work) as he has told you to do. After so many years, you know him very well, and he has hinted at what he thinks would be a good choice.

    Do you have information he is unaware of, or concerns he doesn't know about, or solid reasons why you prefer a choice different than his? If so, share those things. He might acquire a different perspective and suggest an alternate path. Otherwise, you know you are safe with him no matter what you decide, because he is trusting and allowing you to choose. Can you think of any reason it will not be okay if you let go of the anxiety and just go with it?

    I used to work at a place where decisions had to be made quickly, on the fly. It was great if the decision made was the best one. It sucked if it was the worst one. We did absolutely fine and figured it out if the decision was somewhere in the middle. But, we could not function if the decision was never made, and that was unacceptable. I often heard it said, and frequently said it myself, "Just make a decision, even if it is the wrong one!" It is far better to have a directional decision, than to sit around forever with nowhere to go and nothing to do because nobody will authorize (decide, determine) any action.

    I don't know why you are agonizing over this work thing, but I sympathize. Maybe you could look at each choice with an eye toward what would reap the best benefits for him as well as you? Or the least negative impact. For instance, if one choice means being at work more hours, or will bring on significantly more stress for you, how will that affect him? Is the choice you prefer something that will be best for you? Wouldn't that make things better for him, or at least as good as they are now?

    Did you write out a few of those Pro/Con lists? ;-) How did they weigh out?

    Bah, go get a massage or do something relaxing to clear your head. If that doesn't work and all else has failed, flip a coin between your choice and his, and pray the piper doesn't exact too stiff a payment if the coin falls your way. ;-)

    Right now, I can't even decide how to reorganize my house to accommodate 4 more people, including 3 preschoolers, and another dog, a cat and her baby kittens. I am writing to myself here, too! Irishey! Just make the blasted choices and do it!


    1. Irishey,
      Lol @ the bangs!

      We both know everything we could possibly know about it at this point. Really, the only concern for both of us is the kids--we haven't ever worked full time since they were born.

      Ooh, good luck with all those creatures of various species! Sounds like a challenge...

  6. i never bother to 'follow' blogs on my dashboard, I've heard so many horror stories! i just use my blogroll on my blog, and click through from there.

    (((hugs))) I know what you mean about not being able to follow what he wants. More and more, which is rather disconcerting. Maddening when he's not bothered and won't voice a definite opinion!

    1. mc kitten,
      Ooh, some days I think I want to rule the world and other days I'm thinking, "Just tell me what I want to eat for lunch!" Sigh*

      It really can be somewhat maddening, can't it?


Play nice.