Friday, June 4, 2010
Dominance in daily life, or having to Top your world as a sub
I think I have figured out my biggest discomfort with M being in another state a lot while I am home with the boys and no car. For one, I just miss Him. Plain and simple. But, as I was standing outside my door at 1 am last night listening to someone trying to climb into the yard, I realized that I don't like having to be the Dominant one in daily life. I mean, there are circumstances in which I am almost always topping in some way. In my relationship with the kids, I am Dominant. With my work I am Dominant. When I am home without M, I am Dominant over everything that happens in the lives of the boys and I. The daily responsibility (and nightly, with my new found "friends trying to break into our property), is starting to wrack my nerves in a big way. I rely on M for feelings of security and safety. When I am 100% responsible for the security and safety of the boys and myself, the pressure feels enormous and overwhelming. I mean, don't get me wrong, I am not incapable of it. M has always been very adamant that I be armed when I am here alone (we live in the middle of nowhere and our only neighbors are pretty crazy and dangerous), so I know how to take care of myself, I'm just tired of feeling insecure I guess. And omg do I miss Him!