Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Inadequacy and being better

One of the things I love about M and ttwd, is that He/it pushes me to be better, do better, try harder. That being said, it's really difficult for me to accept constructive criticism. No matter how it's phrased, I generally always just feel inadequate afterwards. I used to operate with the theory (regarding oral sex) that there was no point in doing it if I wasn't going to do it all the way. Yea, the theory is great but it no longer works for me. At 17 I had no gag reflex whatsoever so a mouthful of cum was nothing objectionable. After our first son was born, I developed a wicked gag reflex. I don't know if it had to do with the 8 months of morning sickness or what, but there's no denying it. Whenever M cums in my mouth I am so busy concentrating on not puking all over Him that my performance is less than commendable. Last night He pointed that out and said He fantasizes about what it used to be like and wants it to be like that again. Okay, it wasn't harsh criticism, in fact it probably barely fits into the category of criticism at all, but I felt like a complete failure. Some things are pretty easy to change or deal with. Not everything that happens is easy for me to take to or enjoyable, but I can deal one way or another, and even when I can't it's okay because it's not about what I want anyways. Throwing up all over your Master when He's cumming is not acceptable however lol. The gag reflex is something I have been completely unable to get under control. Dunno, I try really hard to be the whole package, but I don't know if I will ever achieve it. I'm not good at everything and I suck most of all at failure, well I do it fine lol, but I don't deal with it well when it happens.
The f***** up thing is, M was absolutely lovely to me last night. My back went out again and He rubbed me down before taking His pleasure and making sure I had an incredible orgasm (another point of inadequacy for me. I rarely cum more than once). I might not have felt like such a disappointment if He hadn't been so wonderful to me last night. I felt like I owed big time and didn't pay up I guess.
M has been incredible to me. I was going down a really bad road when we met and He took me away from it all. He has always provided for me, protected me, loved me, and given me what I needed, even if it hasn't always been what I thought I wanted. In less than two weeks, we will have been together for 12 years and I still feel like I'm not worthy of Him.
I look back on my posts over this last month and most of them seem so annoyingly "poor me," that I want to smack myself and snap out of it. I feel like life is taking us on a roller coaster ride and I'm not strapped in I suppose. I have not had so much as an hour away from the kids in over a month, I feel somewhat homeless (so ridiculously ironic because we own this house) because of the fact that we still don't have a place to move into, and I'm really not doing well handling M being away for extended periods of time. We have never spent so much time apart and still not having a place to live when we move makes it all seem rather futile sometimes.
I love my kids unconditionally, they mean the world to me. I would do anything for them and could not handle it were anything bad to happen to either of them. They are however, driving me absolutely crazy. It's all petty arguments over toys, dirty diapers, mindless screaming (from them not me, yet, lol), constant needs, and never ending craziness.
I have high hopes for our anniversary. Just to get away for the night and spend some time with eachother where the only needs I have to think about are M's.

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