Friday, June 18, 2010


Expectations. We all have them. Anyone who says they don't is either full of crap or dead. The big variable is whether we predominantly expect good things or bad. Generally, M always has good expectations for people, choices, circumstances, etc. Myself, I tend to expect the worst because when people or circumstances fall through, it's less of a let-down. That being said, I'm really concerned that this move is not going to pan out like it's supposed to but there's really nothing I can do about it. It's all on M at the moment and He feels like I don't believe in Him when I express my concerns (so I'm still working on my delivery pbhtt). The fact that M didn't call me last night isn't a super confidence booster. If there's no good news, He tends not to share the news at all.
In all honesty I'm having a bit of an identity crisis lol. submission is kind of like a shell of sanity for me, and when it's consistently not there, I feel ungrounded and a bit off the handle so to speak. I have spent my entire life living in this valley and leaving everything for possibilities is rather nerve wracking. In the whole time we have been together, M has always had his business and that is how He bought our house and how we stay alive. Leaving it all behind and moving with heaps of debt is just stressful for us both.
It sounds silly, but I'm also freaking out about my boy going to school. I home schooled our eldest through second grade and in August he will be going to his first ever public school. It was mainly my decision, because it has just gotten to the point where we spend more time fighting about him doing his work than any actual school and we have very limited space so the little one just will not let him do his work no matter what I do. I didn't get an education until after our first child. My mom home schooled me until third grade, it got to be to much and it just ended there. I was not sent to school or anything. When I went to test into GED classes, it was brutal. I got my GED, took some core college classes, and worked my ass off to keep a 4.0. I swore my kids would never go through that. No matter what it takes they will have a good education and not have to struggle like I did to make up for not getting it when they should have. I'm afraid that the boy just is not learning anymore and where we are moving is supposed to have great schools (unlike where we are now). He has never been left alone with anyone besides family and close friends. I'm finding the concept of trusting the safety of his daily life to a bunch of complete strangers really hard to reconcile as a good idea. As much as he can drive me crazy, I will also miss having him running around all day. I expect a lot from him when it comes to his school work. I don't know if I'm afraid the school will set the bar to low or to high lol. Both I guess. I suppose I feel like I have let him down by giving up on the homeschooling but I don't want him to struggle like I did and it's just not working any more. I think my fears boil down to pretty much one thought--I'm trusting my baby's life and education to complete strangers! I suppose that sounds silly and over protective, it's just something I have to get over. Not all change is bad, but change is also hardly ever easy lol.

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