Saturday, June 19, 2010

Peacefully being?

I browse through blogs and it seems like so many submissives are, well, submissive at all times and totally at peace with it as umm, perfect I guess. Hmmm. That's not me. I mean, for the most part I am (peacefully submissive, not perfect), but to say it was a constant state of being for me would be an outright lie. And what's the point in that? No self-introspection and growth there lol. I don't know how something I need and desire so much can present itself as such a strong internal conflict sometimes. I guess it would be easier if we lived in that fantasy world where there was no such thing as PMS, bills to pay, kids to feed, and life issues to resolve. I am selfish when it comes to M which is very much unsubmissive. I want His time and attention and there's very little of either.
Our 12 year anniversary is coming up and so much has changed since those first years. Most of it for the better. When you are secure in the fact that someone loves you it's easy to say the little things don't matter anymore but I still miss them. He doesn't bring me flowers anymore which in all honesty I'm fine with because I always felt it was a waste of money to buy something that will be dead next week. He always tells me I'm beautiful and He loves me (along with all those other little things that say "I love you" that most people would find deeply insulting and horrific lol). I guess I feel like there's no more "us" time anymore. I feel like I'm loved for being a mother, a capable person, a fairly obedient whore (lets be honest here, we aren't all completely obedient at all times. For those of us who are, more power to them). I guess I feel more loved for what I do than being who/what I am. There's things about me that have changed over the years and I know He wishes they hadn't. There's also things that have not changed that He wishes would. Some days that makes me angry and others I just feel rather like a failure.
I know I'm not the only one stressed out by life. I think it's part of the human condition and in all honesty, M has a lot more stress on His shoulders than I do. I wish M had Dominant friends. He has been telling me a lot lately that He's tired of being the one in charge of fixing everything for everyone and always having to have the answers and being responsible for everyone in His life. It's not that He's surrounded by completely submissive people or that I can't be Dominant enough to help make decisions when he needs me to. It's just that everyone He knows will inevitably always expect Him to have the answer and cover their ass when they can't keep their shit together or deal with their own lives. It would be nice if He had friends who didn't always look to him to tell them what to do next and were willing to actually be on equal footing instead of acting like they are only when it suits them. When I realized how much of a stress that actually is to Him, I told me it was okay if He didn't want ttwd anymore (yes, secretly quaking going omg, how would I handle that). He said that most days ttwd is about the only thing in His life that He is happy with though (breaths sigh of relief).
Anyways, my child has decided to grow horns and break out the pitchforks so my little pity party is over and it's on to dishes and diapers lol.

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Play nice.