I have been thinking a lot about grace lately. I tend to strongly equate beauty with grace and I find grace, well, amazing. That being said, I lack it completely. You name the arena, and I just don't got it so to speak. My body is not in the least bit graceful. I could trip over my own feet and break a leg in a padded room lol. My attitude seems to generally be completely devoid of graciousness, and my submission...I think it's graceless as well; though, it is the one instance in life where I feel any semblance of grace in myself. That being said, M practically exudes grace out His friggin pores and the women He notices look like every bone in their bodies were made out of pure unadulterated grace.
The more M is gone, the more I notice how little time I spend on my appearance and overall demeanor lately. I think I brushed my hair all of twice the whole time He was gone. I spend all my time home alone with the kids, covered in food, tears, and mind-numbing craziness. I suppose some women can be graceful while they are changing poopy diapers and scrubbing throw up off their couch, not me though lol. Somehow grace and beauty just don't fall into the equation of coping with daily life lately. I made an effort when He got home, an effort that was half assed to say the least due to the mind-splitting migraine I've been living with. So it wasn't exactly a winning effort. Top it off with His obvious attraction to all those graceful women in the world and our fight of last night, and I feel like I might as well abandon my quest for grace now, find a paper bag, and call it good lol.
I wonder how M would feel about me if He could see me through my eyes. Would He still think me beautiful, would He still love me, would He still believe me worthy of being His property? I feel as if I have lost myself to the needs of our kids, to the mundane mediocrity of daily existence.
I think grace is a state of mind. One that I hope to achieve in my lifetime. Hopefully while I am still young enough not to break a hip by walking out the door lol.