Seeing the amount of visitors this blog has gotten, I am well aware that my writing has probably been exceptionally boring lately. And I apologize since this post is going to be in the same vein. It seems that the mundanness of daily life has swallowed me and there is little else to write about for now. I have been Dominating my world on a daily basis just to keep things up and running while M is away and it is difficult to adjust back and forth. Things have been rough for M as well. He has been working 18 hour days every week He is gone and when He gets home, He must go back to His normal work immediately.
Everything culminated in a fight last night. Normally, we never fight. For the first years before discovering ttwd, we had a fairly volatile relationship. Not to say we didn't love each other then, we were just fairly prone to knock-down, drag-out fights that made people run and hide. We went a really long time without so much as a mild argument, but we have had two fights in a month which is unusual for us. I find that these fights effect me in a completely different way than they used to. For one, I no longer yell and rage and it takes very little anger from M to leave me a quivering mess. For another, whatever He says during the fight sticks in my head for what seems like ages. Last night it was the statement that I only wanted "mine" and for 12 years have only seen how bad off we are, how it is due to other people, that I don't appreciate what I have, and that I feel the world owes me. An attitude M absolutely despises. Ironically, the people He has been working with very much have that attitude towards Him when it really isn't true, which spawned the way I have been feeling, seeing as they owe us enough money to dig ourselves halfway out of the financial pit we are in and M has done an incredible amount for them. M said that no matter what, I always want more. ummm, ouch. In all honesty, I do see myself as the pessimistic one in our relationship. I tend to be fairly cynical and expect the worst of people in general. I do really believe that you can always trust people to be human with its inevitable pitfalls and habits of screwing each other over. M has always been much more upbeat and positive which is just one of the many things I love about Him. The whole thing left me feeling defeated and like maybe I am not the person I like to think of myself as being. I guess it all boils down to feeling that His statements about me can pretty much all be summed up in one statement, commonly used to describe the kind of woman I hate most--gold digger. While I doubt M honestly meant it to come off like that, it's still there staring me in the face, telling me I am not as good as I try to be. I look around me and I think I have asked for very little in this life. I don't need a bigger house or want a more expensive car. I don't care about keeping up with the Joneses or who has cooler toys. I have always been greedy for His time and attention, I have always gotten mad when it goes to other people who I feel are just taking advantage of Him and when I feel like He sees it acceptable for others to behave in a certain way but I can't even slip a little. M told me I'm "just like everyone [the people I'm mad at] else." He said He doesn't want me just to drop it, He wants me to change that fundamental flaw in myself that makes me feel the way I do.
A standards thing I guess...M has pointed out on more than one occasion, that I have excessively high standards for everyone around me and I hold myself to an even less attainable standard of perfection leaving me inevitably disappointed in both myself and those I must deal with. Fair enough; however, I refuse to lower my standards for myself and don't think my standards for others are that unachievable. M seems to hold Himself and me to high standards but expects little from others. It's been a point of contention for some time.
Dunno, I really didn't want to fight during the short time He was home and neither did He. Somehow it happened anyways though. Ironically enough, it ultimately began because I wasn't happy enough and don't appreciate what I have. Lol, I don't really feel happier at the moment. I guess after being home alone with the boys and not being able to leave the yard for two weeks, I got to the point where my anger was all I had left keeping me going without Him. Now I just feel...empty.
Anyways, it's a beautiful day outside, my children are turning into monsters, and my house is a mess after M's unpacking. Time to open the doors and get something done.