Ooh, the teen years--Happy Anniversary

We got together thirteen years ago today.
And seven years ago today, we made that leap of faith called marriage. It has been a rocky road with many ups and downs, some wrong turns and breaks in the road. But I have no regrets. Every step we took has led us to where and what we are today.

Sometimes I think that You are, or will become, bored with me. And it's a little bit scary because You are my everything.
Every now and then, I get worried that You will find someone better--because occasionally I wonder why You chose me and how I could be so lucky.

But here we are, thirteen years in. And we are better than we were before. Our love has become something I thought existed only in fairy tales and I do truly love you more than I ever thought I could.

You have given me more than I ever believed was possible. 

I am grateful for Your Dominance, 

thankful for Your love, 

and honored to be Yours.

Here we are, thirteen years in. 

And I love You more than ever before. 

We are better than I ever thought we could be. 

We are closer than I ever thought possible.

My beloved Master, Husband, lover, friend, confidante, protector,
I love You more than words can say.

I am yours all ways and forever.

Happy anniversary my Love.

Second Guessing Versus Helpful suggestion

Okay, I have a habit (yes, just one...besides coffee and not wanting to speak or be spoken to in the morning before said coffee, and maybe several other things...). Never mind the obvious fact that I will probably be talking about a lot more than one.

Alright, back to habitual behaviors which are probably not desirable. Oh hell, who am I kidding, "probably not desirable" doesn't even come close lol. Anyways...

I have been accused of being unnecessarily critical and consistently being one of those people who is always second guessing someone, specifically, Alpha. Hmm...Go figure--He was the one who said it.
I think that being excessively critical has something to do with having high standards (I don't see my standards as a problem), and a need to try and create perfection by fixing something that may or may not go/be wrong. The latter combined with my somewhat reasonable approach are habitual behaviors that get me into real trouble.

The thing is...I seem to have developed this unreasonable desire to please Alpha. I mean, self improvement is a real bitch and it's rarely pretty when you take a long hard look at what needs improving.
And the desire to be better with no particular prodding regarding the offending behavior? Well, that's just not right.

It's odd you know...I used to have this desire to be pleased, and hey, I still like it, but I'm not attached to it in the way I was. Well, that's not quite right, maybe what I define as that which pleases me has simply begun to change.

Maybe it's a need for approval...Yes, that's it. And approval is much more self-serving isn't it?
The dictionary defines approval as:

1.	the act of approving
2.	formal agreement; sanction
3.	a favorable opinion; commendation

To please:

1. to give satisfaction, pleasure, or contentment to (a person); make or cause (a person) to be glad
  
4. pleased with  happy because of

Hmmm, maybe I like that pleasing Him gets me approval? So while they aren't one and the same, they are closely connected? Then again, knowing that He is happy because of me is a wonderful feeling...

In my defense on the second guessing front, I really am usually right lol. I think the difference come in the approach. You know, being helpful or just critical. 
And then there is always the question of does it really matter? I mean, is it one of those things that isn't going to make a drastic difference one way or another, in which case it's probably just best to keep my mouth shut, or one of those circumstances where going the wrong way is going to screw up everything. 
Maybe I just need to be more discerning...
 I suppose that it wouldn't hurt to bite my tongue upon occasion...not unbearably anyways.
Maybe.

Weekly snippets

I could complain about the bitch who ran into my car and drove off last week. I could say a great many things about how much of an ass my boss is and how absolutely creepy he's being about trying to run my life. I could go on about how much I miss my living room. But I'm making an effort to bitch less, or at least do it with a semblance of humor.

Some weird little conversations happen around here (okay, so by the time I shut my mouth, I may not find it all so entertaining anymore. What can I say, lack of air and a spatula are great deterrents to speech).

Alpha: "Would you quite sighing at me?"
"I am Not sighing! I'm just breathing, geez."
"Not anymore you're not. Would you like to try that again?"
"Wheez. Well, yes...But no thank you."

Alpha: "Got something to say little one?"
"Oh yes, lots actually! But I'm saving it until I'm out of hearing range and reach."

Alpha: "Why are you being so obstinate?"
"I am Not!"

And a classic courtesy of the children:
kids: "woof woof"
Me: "quit barking at the neighbors!"

Another Eden Fantasys review--playing it safe

So technically it was Alpha's turn to pick our review toy, but the shit had hit the fan and He told me to just go for whatever I wanted. After my last review (silence is requested in the peanut gallery), I went for the most benign possible choice--A blindfold.

I love the perspective and sensory changes that come with not being able to use sight as a means of relating to experiences (well, when it comes to BDSM anyways). Which is why I was pretty excited about getting something that was not pulled off a nearby hanger and tied around my head lol.

Okay, so before I get going here, Eden Fantasys asks for honest reviews, and that's what they're getting from me lol.

I really like the sex toys Eden Fantasys has sent us so far (okay, so I hated those nipple clamps, but they are quite effective and I don't have any issues with their quality lol)...But I was a bit disappointed with this one.

Eden Fantasys Eye Mask

 The material is really soft and feels nice; however, there are a lot of "buts."

The "adjustable" description of the strap means that it's elastic and it didn't stay on very well--I found that it was rather tight across the top, but I could actually see out the bottom of it. It didn't fit very well and there really wasn't anything that could be done about it. I also felt like I kept my eyebrows furrowed the whole time in an attempt to keep it on lol. It struck me as bit tacky and poorly made when Alpha opened up the box (in all fairness, it is not an expensive item, so high expectations may have been a bit unfair).
All in all, it didn't provide what I want in a blindfold--the complete loss of sight, the ability to move and have it stay in place, comfort, and real adjustability (that should be a word).

So while Eden Fantasys does have a really fun selection of bondage toys, this is not one that I would recommend to anyone who is consistent and serious about their kink. For vanilla dabblers who enjoy being blindfolded occasionally, it would probably be a nice and cost-effective addition to the toy box. 

He rattled my comfort zone

 Alpha and I had a talk on the way home last night. A bit of a novelty these days because we had no one else in the car except for a sleeping baby so it offered up some new and uncomfortable avenues of communication lol. He asked what had been up with me lately.
Well geez, there's just so many options, where to begin? The laundry is out of control, the living room has turned into someone else's bedroom, my job is very close to being a stepping stone to the looney bin....Oh, You were talking about a different arena completely? My bad. So under the glaring ceiling light of the car (what is up with the light shit? I swear, there's no friggin hiding in the dark around here), I admitted my contrary conundrum--I didn't feel submissive and didn't really want to submit anymore but I wanted to explore more, go further into ttwd. No need to tell me it doesn't make sense, I am well aware of that fact, thus it's title as an "admission" lol.
The eyebrow went up of course and my backasswards statement even got a reply that made sense--that's because you know there's not much left besides things that are completely unwanted in our relationship, or totally outside of your comfort zone. Insert thwarted attempt at turning off ceiling light.
And He's right, I get pretty used to my cozy little comfort zone, and ttwd is part of our reality and therefor must fit into the parameters and restrictions of the life we live.

So He proceeded to shove me right out of my happy little zone and into the dark unknown. Well, in all fairness, this post is written kind of backwards event-wise. He had already kicked my comfort zone about twenty minutes earlier...

I suppose a little bit of background information would probably be helpful (for my readers that is, there's no hope for me lol). Years ago, Alpha and I were at a concert. Now, if you go to a concert around here it's going to be small, and chances are you will see the same people at the supermarket the following day. If you don't see them there, you can be guaranteed to see them at some point.
Anyways, at this particular event there was a very drunk woman. I remembered her clearly because I have never had someone all over me like she was lol. Now keeping in mind that it's a small town, she happens to be friends with a couple we have known for a very long time and we usually see her when we go to events at their house.

And apparently, years later and not drunk, she still wants me. And it makes me squirm. And Alpha's an ass a sweet Dominant, so He loves it.

Now I have to ask her if she wants to go out for coffee with me. There is a silver lining--she works at a clothing store so I get to go buy a new outfit and ask while I'm there. I did try to weasel my way into the possibility of multiple purchases in case I had to go back because she wasn't working when I went...there is hope.

He see's it as a win win situation, I mean, after all, isn't He justified in pointing out that my friendship base is severely depleted. Pfbt.
Of course, there's still that little issue about the majority of women and I not getting along at all...

Omg. I finally got to do a post that wasn't typed out during sil's shower time. I even got to go blog browsing this morning...It's those little things I take for granted that are what I really miss lol.

Rules Versus Expectations

I have been thinking about rules lately…We have rules…But they’re more like expectations.

On the up side, rules provide the comfort and security that comes with structure. They create a clear view of what is expected and what is not acceptable. Rules are about encouraging desired behaviors and discouraging unwanted ones. They exist for a purpose and there are definite consequences to breaking them, which is part of what contributes to the security they provide--the fact that someone is willing to enforce them makes all the difference in the world.

On the downside, rules give you something to push back against, something to challenge in order to find out exactly how firm the line is and what you can get away with.

Expectations on the other hand, give you something to live up to. For me, Alpha's disappointment is the worst punishment (lets ignore the existence of those evil little clamps...). Striving to meet expectations helps to avoid that disappointment.
Expectations don't give you something to challenge and push against--they give you the inspiration to do as expected, and the desire to please by living up to them.

I used to feel differently about rules. I thought that numerous and firm rules were important to our dynamic. And maybe at the time, they were. But now? For us, the rules and expectations seem to have blended into one and the same. Either way, the consequences are still there, even more reliably so. And isn't that one of the things that matters most about rules and expectations--that the person submitting strives to follow and meet them, and the person laying down the law enforces them when necessary and acknowledges success and failure, thereby further solidifying the relationship and it's dynamic?

This sub's rightful place

That space He keeps for me in His heart, that place I sit at his feet--it's mine. Yea, yea, I know who's gonna fuck whoever they want, who owns who, and who's in charge around here, and that it's not me. Holy shit, to many repeats of one word...I may have had a bit too much coffee...

But that place at His feet, my rightful place, that particular look in His eyes--I know that it's mine. And mine alone. My place is serving Him (let's just go ahead and forget for the moment that I really suck at service). When I'm off kilter, one step out of my place, that connection and intimacy we have is muted. My jealous tendencies rise to the surface, and we are not in sync like we should be.
And I crave that connection. It is possible to live and love without it, but once you have had it, I don't think that there's any going happily back to the way things used to be. It's that intimacy created by ttwd, the births of our children, the deaths of our loved ones, that I crave so deeply. It is most often solidified by the expression of D/s.

It can be kind of scary, when your body is at the mercy of another, your mind malleable, your soul exposed. That closeness in which nothing can remain hidden and all things hidden see the light of His eyes. Because perfection in humanity is a myth (of course, that minor little fact isn't going to keep me from striving for it lol). And when someone else's opinion becomes so valued, it's hard to expose the scars, show the imperfections, accept the mistakes. But there, in the moment, is where imperfection has a beauty of it's own. Because to be seen clearly through and through, yet still be loved for what you are, is an incredible experience.

I have stepped outside of my place over the last couple of weeks and Alpha asked me to come back because He misses me and doesn't like it when I'm here yet far away.

But it's my rightful place. That space He holds just for me. And as much as I am His and I need Him, He is mine and He needs me too. Individually we are strong, together we are unconquerable.

That place at His feet and that look in His eyes? That is mine for all time.

Submissives and other skittish critters

I get a bit skittish sometimes. Not the cute "doe in the field" kind of skittish, more like the "deer stuck in a fence and panicking," kind of skittish. It doesn't occur as often as it used to, but occasionally I do find myself stuck in the fence and panicking. It happened the other night when we were in bed and I can't even remember what set me off or what Alpha said exactly. What I do remember very clearly was the tone of His voice.

He has this particular tone that I have previously only heard him use with skittish animals. But He used it with me, and oddly enough? It worked like a charm. I don't know what offended me more during the reflective hours of the following day--that He used a voice reserved only for animals, or that I responded so well lol.

It really isn't always so much about what you say as it is about how you say it.

Trauma Junky or Intensity Addict?

Ooh la la. It's just me, the little guy, a pound of coffee, and a huge pile of laundry for the whole entire afternoon!

I haven't been to happy with the direction my blog has taken lately. It seems like all the non D/s aspects of life really took it over and that's not what it is supposed to be about. On the other hand, it's a great reflecting board for me and when the D/s fades on my blog, it just shows me that it's faded to much from daily life.
I could claim that I've been all systems go "I'm a behaving and super awesome sub." But hey, no real point in lying right lol.

I have been called a trauma junky (I'll take my trauma without that heaping side order of drama though please). And maybe it's true to a certain extent. I thrive in the midst of trauma--it's the banality of misery that often follows that I have a hard time with.
I don't think it's so much about the trauma as it is about intensity though. As humans, we have a tendency to lie to ourselves and some experiences strip away our ability to do so because in those moments, there is nothing but reality.

Birth, death, joy, pain, sweat, blood, and tears. BDSM.

The raw purity in the intensity of life events that challenge everything we see ourselves to be. The circumstances that strip away all the meaningless things we let ourselves believe are important...That is where I am at my best. And yea, maybe sometimes those circumstances are me on my knees at His feet with tears pouring down my face. But they are still where I find the most wonder in life. Those circumstances without sugar coating and filtering. Where words become meaningless and all that is and will be exists only in that moment.
That is the space I love most and it has the potential to be an unhealthy addiction. But I think it's one of the reasons I find BDSM so attractive and addictive. Without a steady fix, I get hung up on the little shit. Those meaningless events and beliefs that we let have so much power in our lives.

In a couple of weeks, Alpha and I will have been together for 13 years. In that time we have experienced births, deaths, unimaginable joy and pain, and a plethora of events I would have never predicted in our lives. It's been a rough road worth every step and crazy wrong turn. But one of our most amazing discoveries has been ttwd. It allowed us to unleash parts of who we are that would have otherwise remained locked away in the closets of our minds. It gave Him tools to break through my walls and reach that place where sometimes it feels like not even our skin stands between us.
And the intensity addict in me loves every bit of it.

As a side note, I really appreciate everyone who comments. I like to respond to every comment and lately I just haven't been able to have the blog up much. So for every comment I haven't responded to, be it humorous and funny, or deep and insightful--thank you.

Rambling on

My blog has been neglected because life has been busy...And the computer happens to be in the living room...Which has been taken over lol. I kind of miss it. And I miss browsing other blogs.
I have this plan for Saturday, to not do anything except meet some of the demands of three children under ten who seem to think that 8 eggs, 1 tub of yogurt, and a pound of fruit is what the starving and underfed kids get for breakfast.

And because I'm fairly sure that I still have Some sense of humor...

Alpha and I were sitting in the kitchen and I said something smarmy humorous (I have this inexplicable ability to genuinely not remember these things I say that get me into hot water). I watched one eyebrow float up and there was a long pause. Then He said "so you're saying you wish I was more consistent?" Keeping a relatively safe distance I replied, "well yea...sometimes." The other eyebrow proceeded to go down as the first went towards His hairline. After a moment of silence He repeated my statement back to me. So yes, it was maybe lacking in logic. Just a bit.
I then proceeded to hastily agree to an earlier statement where He had claimed that I wasn't on the edge of insanity--I was sending post-cards back from the bottom. It was a less than successful defense.

Okay, so maybe my sense of humor isn't what it could be. But I swear it isn't' gone completely.

The point of no return

The night out was awesome. Nothing exceptional happened, well, that's not true, at this point having a conversation alone (okay, I have conversations alone all the time, but it's different when you are actually talking to someone else lol) was exceptional. We went out to dinner, listened to music, and wonder of wonders, had some two-way conversations. Though...It all came with an exceptionally nasty does of reality that lasted all day yesterday. Reality is such a sneaky little bitch...Ignore her for a few hours and she's got to come back with a vengeance, sheesh.

For clarity's sake, sil's abusive bf will be referred to simply as "crackhead." Well, I might still come up with a few more inventive names but they are all incredibly rude and take a dreadfully long time to type. And I'm a big fan of efficiency.

When we went to try and get the car Alpha had lent His sister, we knew that it had been beat to shit. What we didn't know was that crackhead had also stabbed holes in the gas tank, so Alpha will have to try and repair that before gimping it out of there.
When I loaded up sil's stuff I went through her house raking shit into trash bags and wasn't to concerned with looking around. Alpha on the other hand, made some disturbing discoveries.
1 child abuse guilty plea dated almost a year ago (with sil's very own crackhead as perpetrator)
and enough evidence to convince Alpha that crackhead is a very fitting nickname for said offender.

Believe it or not, I'm actually trying to go somewhere with this particular rant. Eventually I'm going to do one of my preachy posts about love, abuse, and BDSM. But I don't want it to be a rant. I want it to be well written with some very clear thoughts on the matter. And since my clearest though lately has been "fuck you" lol, this shall not be that post.

My father firmly believed that there was a point of no return--that it is possible for people to cross a certain line into the unforgivable. The proverbial line in the sand (that's a lame saying isn't it. Should be a line in stone or concrete or some shit like that), that once crossed, there is no return. On the other side? No redeemable human qualities.
Not everyone truly believes that there are unforgivable atrocities committed in daily life. Maybe some people are more forgiving, or maybe they are just in denial. Dunno. Either way, I believe in that point of no return, that there are some crimes you don't wait and let Karma take care of on it's own--sometimes you have to help it along a bit.

And I'm wondering, what it is in a person that can make them justify walking on that line and allowing someone in their life to cross it and still be a part of their existence? Specifically, how one ignores child abuse charges against their own personal crackhead, does drugs in the house with their kid, gets the shit beat out of them, and doesn't have a problem with the person who caused this world of shit.

You see, my couch is a terrible place for denial. Alpha isn't a fan of it and when He's had enough? The river of denial shall run dry. Or get set on fire. Whichever comes first lol (yes, the river of denial is really quite flammable).

I know sil's situation is not unique and unheard of. But put into the equation that she has a safe place and family who will look out for her kid and herself, what makes her still be willing to go back for more? Because personally? I believe that crackhead has crossed the point of no return and then some.
So how exactly is it possible for a woman to justify these things to herself and make them okay? Because it is quite clear to me--shit is really Not okay. That's actually, for once, not a rhetorical question lol. I would be kind of interested to see what readers think about that (those of you who are still hanging in there through my recent explosion of rants anyways lol). You know, for research's sake.

Ooh la la...

My mother is feeling saintly which is totally awesome for the sanity in my house (well, for Alpha and I, everyone else is still shit out of luck). She's coming down to take care of sil and the kids for a day and night.
Incredible. Because...
A.  she's not good with children and there's now three of them.
B. we haven't had a night out since Valentines Day.
C. sil may be (literally) not moving from the couch except for physical therapy...For three months.
D. Insanity is closing in.

Damn. I have started making lists on my blog...How annoying...

But it's awesome. We'll be leaving the house without children for something that is actually fun lol.

And one of these days, maybe even sometime soon...I may have something to write that is actually worth reading! I know lol, the world is full of amazing events.

Life is thoroughly unreasonable

1. Look for new job.
Outcome: Unsuccessful
Outlook: Rgghhhh

2. Work at current hell hole job.
Result: Succesful at not quitting. Did not tell boss to shove his sticky notes up his ass.
Attitude: One sticky note away from the edge of reason (the bad edge lol).

3. Talk to police officer.
Result: picked up restraining order paperwork and had the best moment of my day.
Best moment: Cop, "is your husband a big man?" Me, "umm, yea." Cop, tell Him to beat the shit out of that little bastard if he shows up. Then call us." Me, with an ear-to-ear grin. "it's a plan."

4. Stumble home hoping not to have to turn right back around and take sil to hospital.
Discovery: didn't have to go sit in the er all night, house still to small, dryer still broken, house thoroughly trashed.
Thoughts: I want my goddamned dryer! And I'll take a nanny/live in maid while I'm making reasonable requests.

General outlook: Pissed with a chance of bitching.

Note to self: It's not nice to yell at people. Try to be nice.