The night out was awesome. Nothing exceptional happened, well, that's not true, at this point having a conversation alone (okay, I have conversations alone all the time, but it's different when you are actually talking to someone else lol) was exceptional. We went out to dinner, listened to music, and wonder of wonders, had some two-way conversations. Though...It all came with an exceptionally nasty does of reality that lasted all day yesterday. Reality is such a sneaky little bitch...Ignore her for a few hours and she's got to come back with a vengeance, sheesh.
For clarity's sake, sil's abusive bf will be referred to simply as "crackhead." Well, I might still come up with a few more inventive names but they are all incredibly rude and take a dreadfully long time to type. And I'm a big fan of efficiency.
When we went to try and get the car Alpha had lent His sister, we knew that it had been beat to shit. What we didn't know was that crackhead had also stabbed holes in the gas tank, so Alpha will have to try and repair that before gimping it out of there.
When I loaded up sil's stuff I went through her house raking shit into trash bags and wasn't to concerned with looking around. Alpha on the other hand, made some disturbing discoveries.
1 child abuse guilty plea dated almost a year ago (with sil's very own crackhead as perpetrator)
and enough evidence to convince Alpha that crackhead is a very fitting nickname for said offender.
Believe it or not, I'm actually trying to go somewhere with this particular rant. Eventually I'm going to do one of my preachy posts about love, abuse, and BDSM. But I don't want it to be a rant. I want it to be well written with some very clear thoughts on the matter. And since my clearest though lately has been "fuck you" lol, this shall not be that post.
My father firmly believed that there was a point of no return--that it is possible for people to cross a certain line into the unforgivable. The proverbial line in the sand (that's a lame saying isn't it. Should be a line in stone or concrete or some shit like that), that once crossed, there is no return. On the other side? No redeemable human qualities.
Not everyone truly believes that there are unforgivable atrocities committed in daily life. Maybe some people are more forgiving, or maybe they are just in denial. Dunno. Either way, I believe in that point of no return, that there are some crimes you don't wait and let Karma take care of on it's own--sometimes you have to help it along a bit.
And I'm wondering, what it is in a person that can make them justify walking on that line and allowing someone in their life to cross it and still be a part of their existence? Specifically, how one ignores child abuse charges against their own personal crackhead, does drugs in the house with their kid, gets the shit beat out of them, and doesn't have a problem with the person who caused this world of shit.
You see, my couch is a terrible place for denial. Alpha isn't a fan of it and when He's had enough? The river of denial shall run dry. Or get set on fire. Whichever comes first lol (yes, the river of denial is really quite flammable).
I know sil's situation is not unique and unheard of. But put into the equation that she has a safe place and family who will look out for her kid and herself, what makes her still be willing to go back for more? Because personally? I believe that crackhead has crossed the point of no return and then some.
So how exactly is it possible for a woman to justify these things to herself and make them okay? Because it is quite clear to me--shit is really Not okay. That's actually, for once, not a rhetorical question lol. I would be kind of interested to see what readers think about that (those of you who are still hanging in there through my recent explosion of rants anyways lol). You know, for research's sake.
You hit the nail on the head--shit is NOT ok! But start shoveling between your sil's ears, cause that's where the "NOT OK shit" starts.
ReplyDeleteBelieve me, I know of what I speak (sadly, my older sister and your sil could be twins). Also, keep your eyes open because if crackhead is doing bad things, chances are sil has followed her beloved down that horrific path. I'm sorry, but that is usually true. Just be aware it is a strong possibility.
This is beyond your expertise unless you are a psychologist. She needs help, whether she wants it or not.
The truth is, saving her from crackhead is secondary. You need to save her (and her child) from herself.
I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. I hate to say it, but you have probably only seen the tip of this iceberg if drugs are involved.
HUGS and HOPE
Dannah
Hmmm yeah I kinda have someone in my immediate family that is in the same thing, and i'm not referring to sil. But I really don't have an answer for you, I'm kinda stuck on that myself.
ReplyDeleteI went back multiple times to an abusive boyfriend. I guess I just didn't want all the time I spent on him to be a waste, I hoped it would turn out alright in the end, and I truly didn't think I could find someone better or that I was worth someone better.
ReplyDeleteCourse each situation is unique, no clue about your sil, since it sounds like her situation is about a billion times worse.
Glad you and Alpha got some time out, sounds like you guys really could use it!
Because SIL doesn't believe that she is a worthy person and is secretly afraid that this loser is the only man that will ever "love" her. Until she comes to believe that she is worthy of love, she'll keep picking losers.
ReplyDeleteBecause it's easy... that is the beginning. Hopefully Alpha and you can help her realize that it may seem easier to be with him than to do better for herself but it is harder on everyone around her, like her kid and you guys. But she'd have to care more about other people than herself before that might sink in. I wish you guys lots of luck with the situation, and patience to get through it xo
ReplyDeleteIf you really want to know the why of it, talk with someone who has been there, or a counselor at a domestic violence shelter.
ReplyDeleteIt isn't because it is easy.
It isn't because she doesn't understand the situation.
It isn't because she can't see the dangers.
It is because she is terrified... she is terrified of facing herself, and of making herself be the kind of person who *can* change her situation.
Because she believes that she is the real monster in the relationship, and that, as bad as he is, somehow she deserves whatever he dishes out to her.
And nothing can, or will, change - until she can face the monster she believes herself to be.
The reality is that she thinks of herself as a truly ugly, worthless, incapable individual. Until she can face the fact of her positive traits, she will allow herself to be victimized and abused - if not by him, then by others.
But belief in herself can only come from within herself. There will come a moment of epiphany when she can't escape at least one positive thing about herself, and that will be the hole in the dyke holding her self-worth from flowing freely.
Or that is how it was for me, and for the women I have counseled in the past, at least.
my Dad (a psychiatrist) used to say that denial was the only fatal coping mechanism. Over the years, i've come to believe he was right. i'm so sorry about sil and her child. i wish i could offer advice that would really help. As far as the child goes, sometimes getting mom to realize how it's affecting the child is the key to getting her to leave an abusive relationship. i worry so about kids; is there a chance her kid could stay with you and Alpha for a while? i know that's HUGE, but God, thinking of that kid in *that* house...
ReplyDeleteSorry; i wish i had something more coherent and useful to say. my thoughts are with you all.
Love,
kytten