Monday, September 1, 2014

Questions of Emotion and Emotional Needs

Downunder Don was kind enough to send me some thought provoking questions.
So, with no further ado and introductory blathering on my part (difficult to imagine, I know), in order of appearance:

"In your D/s relationship are you able to express your emotional needs/requirements."
For his part, I am...Required to express my emotional needs; however, expressing my emotional needs is extremely difficult for me. He is very good at reading me, so my consistent occasional inability to express those needs in a valid manner doesn't usually create issues.
Any inability to express my emotional needs is purely personal. I couldn't imagine being in any form of a relationship where it was not acceptable to express one's emotional needs and requirements--while I accept that how he addresses those needs is entirely his prerogative, I think that being allowed to express valid emotional needs/requirements is necessary for the healthy functioning of any relationship.

"Are you permitted to show your emotions."
Ah, well...I have some hormonal issues which contribute to me being an excessively emotional person at times. I think that, if I was not permitted to show my emotions, I might possibly just explode into a million pieces (seriously, that is how it feels sometimes). He knows this about me, and gives me a fair amount of leeway when it comes to such expression.
It should be noted that there is a difference between showing the emotions of how I am feeling, and being disrespectful. He takes issue if I express them in a manner that is lacking in respect.
In my mind, D/s and M/s are very much about emotion. If I am not allowed to express emotion, then he not only doesn't get the satisfaction of knowing the success of his actions, he doesn't have a basis for knowing what is going on with me.

"Are you permitted to question his actions if they are in conflict with your emotional needs/requirements."
This one is kind of tricky..If I see his actions as being in conflict with my emotional needs/requirements (which is rare), I am permitted to question his actions. He does, however, expect any questioning of his actions to be valid. There are also times when he disagrees with what I perceive as needs, viewing them as wants, in which case he is likely to set aside my concerns and continue on the path that he feels is best. In all fairness, he has yet to be wrong on this front.

"Are you permitted to “stop” or “withdraw consent” if any action is in conflict with your current emotional state."
The short and sweet answer to this question is no, I am not.There is no "stopping" or "withdrawal of consent" in our arrangement. I mean, yes, I can say "no more" or "I quit" to my little hearts content, but there is no requirement or expectation that he honor the request.
For us, consent is a past tense.Yes, submission is often a constant choice every day, but consent? Consent was given, and there is an overall agreement that it will not be withdrawn or reconsidered regardless of circumstances.
He is generally very aware of my emotional state, and he takes it into account in regards to his actions. There are times when I object, he ignores the objection, and his course was correct. Or, at the least, not nearly as catastrophic as I had thought it would be.

"Are your emotional needs being met in your D/s relationship."
Overall, yes. The D/s aspect of my relationship meets my emotional needs in a way that no other form of relationship ever could. I think that, in order for any relationship to be successful, the emotional needs of both partner must be met. There are occasions when I do feel like my emotional needs aren't being met, but those are often due to life circumstances that take the focus away from D/s.
My observations have led me to believe that many people find themselves in D/s relationships as the result of a search for fulfillment of needs (emotional or otherwise) that they just can't seem to find anywhere else.
Humans are emotional creatures, and I think that we often find ourselves seeking interactions that feed our needs.

Thank you for the thought provoking inspirations. I hope that I did them justice.


  1. Lil,

    Oh great questions and answers! Love the idea of future blog fodder! Really missed reading your blog all summer.


    1. mouse,
      Thank you.
      it's good to see you! I hope that you had a wonderful summer, and I look forward to reading your thoughts again.

  2. Wonderful post...many think of a D/s or M/s relationship as being mostly physical. I have learned, it is in large part about the answers give more power to my thoughts.
    hugs abby

    1. abby,
      thank you!
      It seems to me that the physical aspects, while no doubt quite valid, are actually the more superficial aspects of ttwd....

  3. this was fascinating, thank you.

  4. Lil,
    Many thanks for the great answers

    1. Thank you for the inspirations, Downunder Don! I enjoyed responding to them.

  5. These were great questions and I enjoyed reading your answers Lil. Once again, great food for thought! I agree, being able to express emotional needs is important in any relationship.


    1. Roz,
      they were good questions, weren't they?

      Thank you!


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