i didn't realize until i logged in this morning, that my last post was number 100. Thus, the completely generic title of this one lol. i have been thinking about why i blog. Why not use pen and paper? Well, for one thing, i'm not artistic so it wouldn't look cool like the blog does. For another, my kids aren't yanking pieces of paper out of my hands while i write. But really i think it mostly comes down to the fact that it's an easy venue for me to be honest. i can tell M things through the blog that i am to chicken to admit in conversation. It's a public forum which puts my inner thoughts and fantasies where anyone can see them and sometimes i'm a little bit curious about what people think. Also, it's kind of liberating to admit things to the world that i have a hard time accepting in myself. It's a way of hiding in plain site that i rather enjoy.
M bought me tires yesterday. He was grumbling about taking me to work because our tires were shit and i was afraid i wouldn't make it back up our driveway in the snow. But He decided to drive me and buy tires. So, tires are far from sexy, but i could feel myself drooling over them like new toys. A combination of omg, i'm not afraid to drive anymore, and it's really hot to have a Dominant who loves me enough to drive me in the snow and put tires on my car. Yea i know, it's kind of strange what a person can find sexy.
i have been feeling somewhat resentful about submission lately. Mostly because i'm always tired and it brings out my lazy side leading to statements like, "do you know what time it is?! i don't want to suck your dick, i need sleep!" Yea, i used to think i was a masochist, but the more sadistic He becomes, the more i think that i really do not like pain lol. It's odd though, when He's causing me pain and talking me through it, i can handle a lot more than if He's just silently abusing me (yea yea, don't get your panties in a twist, i know the difference between real abuse and a sadist making Himself happy).
He likes to make me do things that i find unpleasant just to see that i'm willing to do them because He wants me to.Not sure exactly how i feel about that lol.