Sunday, January 16, 2011

Different topics rolled into one post as usual...

After Alpha read my earlier post and informed me that I was going to need to explain what exactly I meant by saying I wanted more consistency, I started thinking...Is it unfair of me to ask that given my predisposition to inconsistency? I mean, I'm worse than the weather around here, snowing from blue skies, fifty degrees to below zero in a short matter of hours, sunny day to thunder and rain in a matter of minutes--that's me. Not as bad as I used to be with mood swings. But still, some days I'm more likely to say "fuck you" than anything else. Well, I'll admit, that's a pretty standard line for me but more in a spirited familiar way than as an insult. As a general rule Alpha seems to view it as mild "diarrhea of the mouth" and doesn't bat an eyelash though occasionally He see's it as out of place and is quick to put me back in mine. On my off days though...I mean it. I just plain don't want to submit, I don't want to give a back rub at 10 PM, I don't want to make the fucking coffee, and I sure as hell don't want to be told what to do. I think those days are fairly rare now and I have come to realize that I value Alpha's Dominance, that it fulfills some deep seated need in me, that I need Him to show me where my place is and remind me to stay there. Still though, the point remains that I am not entirely consistent myself so is it fair for me to ask for more of it from Him?

There's still the little issue of "explaining" myself which is what I should be thinking about instead of typing insanely away to myself. I'm not good at it though so whenever I have to explain what I think I need or my particular stance on an issue, I freeze up and tend to make very little sense at all.

I was standing in the kitchen doing dishes this afternoon. Totally sexy and attractive in a cozy, grandma style nightgown over sweats (hey, it's cold okay), when Alpha came up to me, leaned over and said softly in my ear "you're my favorite person." Love is good.
Later when I was doing my usual browsing through various blogs, you know because my life is full of all this free time for shit like that, He walked by and commented "I don't know why you always have to feel like you belong to a group [ironic to say the least, given my extreme love of humankind. Ahem]. You don't have to justify yourself. Just be happy with your uniqueness." Hmm, a rather nice, if somewhat painful comment. It did prompt some introspection though. Do I read all these blogs written by people with similar interests because I am looking to justify my own wants and desires, because I want to feel like I am not completely strange and alone in what I like, or do I read them for the reasons I tell myself--simply because I enjoy them and like reading things written by people who have a concept of what it is to feel like I do? In all honesty, I think it's a bit of both.
As to belonging? I have come to realize that, in the end, the only place I truly feel the need to belong is to Alpha. And that's where I think my recent issues with being all out of sorts come from. In my secret little heart of hearts I am a little bit mad at Him. I am mad that He decided to own me completely, to take and keep all that I am, to become the center of my little universe, to allow me to grow up (literally) to rely upon Him so much. It all boils down to the fact that, deep down inside, I'm angry He didn't go get help years ago. Because He isn't well. And over the last year His health has gotten worse. And I am afraid. I'm afraid that I will not be His until the day I die. Because He really is my One.
Yet my fear and anger in themselves are not fair or right. After all, I love Him more than life itself and He relies on me too. I am His confidante, His backup, the only one He has to go to. So I go to that little iron fortress in myself with the voice that says I will be alright no matter what. Not because I feel capable of surviving anything, or I am exceptional in any way, simply because that is who I am and what I must do. But it doesn't make me feel better. I think that's why I resisted giving Him my all as much as I did--because He gives my life its meaning. And in some strange way, I need Him more than life.


  1. I was interested to see that your wish for consistency was a not about his being consistent but more about wishing for more stability for your internal states. I too am driven before the winds of my moods. But I have learned to enjoy the ride rather than paddle against the current. There is nothing so beautiful as a day filled with clouds and blue sky... that is when it is most likely to see the rainbows.

  2. That's a really beautiful way to put it xantu.


Play nice.