I was thinking about something that I'm not particularly fond of admitting to myself. Therefor, it naturally hasn't made much appearance on my blog lol.
For the most part, I require some kind of force to submit. My submission to Alpha is, (almost, ahem) always given--but rarely offered.
And I was thinking about that particular subject in my closet when Alpha inserted His finger into my collar and began towing me towards the bathroom (I complied in complete grace I assure you). This can only mean a couple of things (He's getting a blow job or I'm getting a "shower"), so when He let go at the step to navigate His way over the dog? This beautiful opportunity to bolt presented itself...The temptation was strong and I must admit to pausing and weighing my options. Perhaps I temporarily lost my mind, or maybe because of what I had been thinking about, I went without protest (hey, making "pretty please...nooo" eyes does Not count).
And...Well, since Alpha was on the receiving end I would have to ask Him, but I thought it was pretty damn good (ask for an evaluation of my performance?! I must be going off the deep end). But I think it all began with that little item in my closet I don't like to think about much.
We have both gotten to that point far beyond stress where after a while He just wants my submission to be offered...or perhaps doesn't really reach for it because I'm predictably porcupine-like and He's tired...Then eventually He gets tired of waiting and I pay dearly in some way, we fall back into the abyss, and life goes on.
I know He finds complete and constant submission boring...But I also know that He wishes I would offer it more than I do, that He didn't have to push for it when He wants it. Because after all, it's already His right?
And I sometimes wonder, why my submission is often given, but rarely offered.
Self improvement is a real pain in the ass lol.