Monday, August 1, 2011

Given but not offered

I was thinking about something that I'm not particularly fond of admitting to myself. Therefor, it naturally hasn't made much appearance on my blog lol.

For the most part, I require some kind of force to submit. My submission to Alpha is, (almost, ahem) always given--but rarely offered.

And I was thinking about that particular subject in my closet when Alpha inserted His finger into my collar and began towing me towards the bathroom (I complied in complete grace I assure you). This can only mean a couple of things (He's getting a blow job or I'm getting a "shower"), so when He let go at the step to navigate His way over the dog? This beautiful opportunity to bolt presented itself...The temptation was strong and I must admit to pausing and weighing my options. Perhaps I temporarily lost my mind, or maybe because of what I had been thinking about, I went without protest (hey, making "pretty please...nooo" eyes does Not count).

And...Well, since Alpha was on the receiving end I would have to ask Him, but I thought it was pretty damn good (ask for an evaluation of my performance?! I must be going off the deep end). But I think it all began with that little item in my closet I don't like to think about much.

We have both gotten to that point far beyond stress where after a while He just wants my submission to be offered...or perhaps doesn't really reach for it because I'm predictably porcupine-like and He's tired...Then eventually He gets tired of waiting and I pay dearly in some way, we fall back into the abyss, and life goes on.

I know He finds complete and constant submission boring...But I also know that He wishes I would offer it more than I do, that He didn't have to push for it when He wants it. Because after all, it's already His right?

And I sometimes wonder, why my submission is often given, but rarely offered.

Self improvement is a real pain in the ass lol.


  1. Word verification. subsc. Lol ya think they know?

    Self interspections sucks too! Seems like many subs do too much of that! Self included.

  2. I'm a big list fan... if I want to remember anything or note down anything thats in my head, it goes into a list; date, title and ideas.

    Maybe you could make a list of the little ways you could give your submission? Then later on, you can pick something from the list to show your willingness to him..?

    But hey, what ever you think will work for you! Good luck with it.


  3. Daily stress and kids is my biggest issues with my submission. But I love self improvement it is follow through that is hard lol!

  4. Yeah submission: given vs. taken a concept I'm not ready to embrace either.

    In fact in a similar way, I'm at a place where even when bottoming, I need to be restrained as much as possible before anything is done to me. I like the helpless feeling and when you give yourself doesn't quite seem so helpless anymore ;)

  5. Mindset, Oh yea. They know. I have had some really odd word verifications lol.

    OnlyHis, I'm absolutely terrible with lists. I'm famous for not making it past the first isle of the grocery store without loosing the shopping list lol.
    Though in electronic format...

    Giggling bunny, I think it's kind of a toss up--like if I have to lie on my stomach with my hands behind my back and be still while getting whipped, there's something about forcing myself to do it that is an incredible turn-on.

  6. I can SO relate to this, thank you. My blog is also going through a bit of identity crisis as I grudgingly admit to the public that I am not a perfect little sub, I often have to be forced, and my poor hubby sometimes get really tired of it.

    He's even described me as a porcupine... just as your post said.

    You're not alone!

  7. What's it they say about addictions, admitting you have a problem is the fist step to treatment? lol. It's nice to know I'm not reaching for (ever illusive) perfection, alone.

    He has called me a porcupine...Which I have learned over the years is far better than "cold hearted ice queen" lol.


Play nice.