Temporary insanity

This morning, during a moment of temporary insanity, I told Alpha that I needed to be beaten.

Quickly followed by a loud and honest proclamation that I didn't actually Want it.

He chuckled (somewhat smugly I might add), and said "but you need it."

What was I gonna do, turn around and lie about it? I settled for a disgruntled snort and speedy movement towards a room with children in it.

And Gods know, I do need it; however, the moment He starts really laying into me, I'm gonna have loud-mouther's remorse lol.

See, this is what happens when one partner wages a losing battle with the garden while the other works 80 hours a week.

Non-Verbal Communication

I gotta say, non- verbal communication is the shit. I absolutely love it. If Alpha hadn't been so tired last night, He would have never let me get away with it. He would have made me say what I wanted. Exactly what I wanted--in the most blunt and crude manner possible. But He was technically asleep...And let me get away with non-verbal communication lol.

Beyond that though, I still adore communication without words. While there's a lot of talk about the importance of communication in relationships (and it is truly necessary), all that talk revolves around the words we say out loud to each other.

Not the unspoken desires.

The silent cues.

A quiet indrawn breath. 

A thought echoing off the walls of one's mind.

Words screamed silently in one's head.

And I get in trouble sometimes. Because Alpha says He's not psychic (Pfbt, uh huh, that's why He can "hear" me roll my eyes from a room away).
 He wants me to use words--partly because there can be no doubt as to the meaning, and partly because I hate it so. Saying things out loud... Admitting things to Him that I would rather not even admit to myself...Well that's just asking for it isn't it?

He may not be psychic...But He's got bat radar and that's good enough for me.
Now if He would just get with the program and agree that words are overrated...

Asking for it--With words?!

I find myself in a very odd place tonight. Yes, I'm in my living room...But the thing is...I'm needy. Yes, I know I'm probably always needy in one way or another lol.

But not this way.

Alpha's been working constantly. And He's asleep as soon as He's done with dinner. And He's sick. Last week I was sick. This means no one's been getting any action around here.

The thing is, the less sex we have? The less I want it. Well, there's a happy medium there because my body and I have these disagreements sometimes. It will betray me in numerous ways--My mind says "more pleeaase!" (yes, I have been known to speak in tongues). Or conversely, it will tell Him that something I am desperately begging Him to stop doing is turning me on to no end.

So we have this off and on relationship, my body and I.
I'm used to the betrayals...Just not the kind where I want to crawl in bed and beg to be used. Could I crawl in bed right now and say "please fuck me in the ass Master"? I could...But I can't. Writing it is painful enough, like nails on the crazy little chalkboard in my head.


And I wonder why it's so difficult for me to say and type those words. Perhaps it strikes me as crude and I enjoy subtlety. Or perhaps it's to honest and blatant.

Either way, I could crawl into bed and beg for it. I might even get it. But chances are? I won't try.

The thing is, no matter what it is, I hardly ever ask for it. My body asks, my mind asks, and usually He hears me anyways. But whether it's pain or pleasure or anything in between. I never open my mouth and ask.  
Maybe it has something to do with the fact that if I ask for it, I can't deny I wanted it and pretend it's all His desires that got me there in that moment.

Overall? I'm not used to wanting something I spent years trying to avoid. And I have a very hard time admitting what I want by using those pesky things we humans communicate with called words.

Kink Free Sex

I realized something last night--sex without kink doesn't turn me on. At all. I know, huge newsflash right. But it kind of was to me (always the last to know, what can I say). I mean, I know kink turns me on. Obviously. But I hadn't quite realized the extent to which I find it necessary in order to be turned on at all.

My genius realization came while watching some stupid skin flick on TV. You know, the "weally weally wannabe porn, but acting is even worse and sex is obviously fake" kind of show.
And I found it...mildly irritating. And for no real reason besides the fact that there was no kink whatsoever. Well, it was corny as all hell too, but I could have tolerated that on it's own.

And for a minute I wondered, is there something a little bit wrong with me? I mean, watching people fuck is supposed to turn some kind of sex cogs in a person's brain right? Okay, so I wondered for more than a minute--probably still am lol.

The thing is, sex without kink not only doesn't turn me on--it actively turns me off. Isn't that just a little bit wrong?

I knew how much kink turns me on. I just never actually realized how much a lack of it turns me off...

Some (Mostly) Useless Completely Vanilla Facts

~Two trash bags full of spinach will reduce to approximately seven pints after blanching.
Fuckin hell!

~Green tomatoes take two weeks to ripen off the vine.
The boxes are taking over.

~I need a recipe for fried green tomatoes.
Any givers?

~Three rather large zucchini will make four loaves of zucchini bread after processing for freezing.
I will be happy in January, I will be happy in January, I will be happy in January.

~Lavender vanilla Febreeze sprayed in excess will make your food taste funny.
Yuck.

~Baby lettuce must be watered once a day.
Why did He plant so many fucking rows of it?!

~This garden is kicking my ass.
It's winning. I wanna tap out!

~I gave my mother in law my gas money for tomorrow so she would go away.
Anyone wanna kill me now? Please?

~I don't like vegetables any more dammit!
When I close my eyes I see spinach.

~My kids are being monsters.
Free to good home?

~I miss my Husband.
It's been a long month.

Safewords

I was reading a post over at Finding my Submission (listed on the left), and there was a bit of discussion/disagreement between the commenters regarding safewords. Since my thoughts all revolved around the comments, I came back home with my little soapbox lol.

One commenter said that she had never understood the use of a safeword, that having one means you don't trust your Dom, and if you have a safeword, you are actually the one in control.

I disagree completely.

 For one thing, I absolutely hate conversations where someone comes off as "more submissive than thou," as if the submission of one person has any more quality than than the submission of another. You see it pretty blatantly sometimes with people who don't have safewords and enjoy criticizing those who do.

Ironically,  I have read things over at Finding my Submission that would have had me screaming a safeword at the top of my lungs regardless of whether I had one or not lol. Yet she hasn't.

ttwd is about what works for the individual, it's not a "one size fits all" kind of thing.

Anyways, back on point.

It could just as easily be said that the sub is really the one in control in any D/s relationship because she has given consent for her consent to be taken away. If she does not submit, there is no Dominance.
Does saying that make me feel in control? Nope. Not in the least little bit lol. I could say it until I'm blue in the face and it won't make me anymore in charge than I was five minutes ago.

A safeword isn't something you spit out because you're tired of playing, or because a break would be nice. In fact, I think most subs are quite willing to go to extremes in an effort to avoid saying it.
There's also the little fact that sometimes we forget we have them, or using words at all is like trying to speak a foreign tongue one has never heard.

A safeword is not a tool to control your Dominant--it is a tool for Him to know absolutely that He needs to pause then and there to evaluate His sub's condition.

Does having a safeword make you better or worse than someone who doesn't have one? Does it mean you have more or less control than someone else? I don't think so.

After the first year or so of exploring ttwd, I asked Alpha for a safeword.
Because I felt like He was spending a lot of time holding back, that having it in place would give Him more freedom to do as He wanted without as much fear of damaging me.
I wanted to be able to scream "no, stop" until I couldn't breath and have Him ignore it completely.
And the safeword served its purpose well though I never used it.

A while back, Alpha suggested we get rid of my safeword. I hemmed and hawed and stumbled around the idea. He pointed out that were I really to need it, I probably wouldn't be able to open my mouth and make words come out anyways. I had to admit, He was right lol.
And really, when I'm so far under that I can't see straight, I'm not a good judge of what is to much for me and there were a couple of times I should have used it but I didn't. Times when He was relying on the fact that I would if I needed to instead of just relying on His own judgement.

So we got rid of the safeword.
But do I think they are a good idea? Yes. Like wearing shoes in a junkyard (ooh, I'm gonna hear about that one, "you compared our relationship to a junkyard?!" lol), it's just common sense.
Am I lacking common sense? Maybe. I also hate shoes though.

Safeword or no safeword, ttwd is about the individual and their needs. So in the end, it doesn't really matter as long as you're doing what's right for you and your partner.
Though if you don't have one? You had better be damn sure the person in charge actually gives a shit and knows you better than you could ever hope to know yourself.

Names

The kittens now have names--one begins with an s, the other with an m. You see where I'm going here...Also known privately as S&M.

Terrible way to pick a name isn't it lol.

Free Will

Free will is something Alpha and I have talked about rather extensively. In fact, His email is "iamherwill" lol.
It's not a new concept, the idea that free will is really all we have when everything else is stripped away--the one thing we were all given by our creator that can never be completely taken from us.
Even in situations where we are not in control, we still have free will. Even if it's only in how we choose to perceive the situation and the emotions we allow ourselves to have within any given experience.

So how does one in fact give their free will to another? Shouldn't it be, by definition, impossible for one's free will to belong to someone else?
Perhaps it depends on the context in which you look at it. Alpha and I had a conversation about free will, specifically mine, a while back (you know, one of those where I was so far under I couldn't see straight which is hardly fair if you ask me. He didn't of course lol). He wanted it. My free will.
And that freaked me out. Because, really that's impossible right. And without free will, what are we?
The thing was, He wanted me to keep the key (look, metaphor is fun, so pfbt). Because was there really any more secure place to keep it than within the recesses of my own mind? He wants me to exert my free will in daily life. But when it comes to Him? He wants my will to be His.

We all exercise our free will every day no matter who we are. The choice to pause between breaths or turn our heads are simple expressions of free will which are so simple, we don't even think about it.

All living things are born with free will. It's the one thing we all have in common. You could argue that we are largely shaped by our culture and environment; that our actions and perceptions will be a reflection of those things and as such, many of the choices we make are largely predetermined. And while that may be true, we still have the ability to question, to shape our own opinions, to make choices that take us outside of what we have been taught and raised to believe.

So yes, ultimately, we are all born and die with free will. It can't really be taken away. But it can be given freely of itself in the moment.

Because handing over free will, as logically impossible as it may be, is the ultimate expression of that will. And when Alpha reaches out for mine, it becomes His.

Soccer Season--Yes, I Said Soccer

I have absolutely nothing kinky or sex related to say tonight. No philosophical corny musings about love or life's deeper meaning, no deep dark desires or hidden fantasies, nothing interesting at all really lol.
Alpha is working a ten day week, on day seven now. I brought home two very cute kittens who instantly changed from sweet to borderline vicious after two hours in my house. And it was the first game of soccer season.

I doubt anyone browses D/s blogs to read about someone's kid and their sports lol, so you have been warned.

I gotta say though, I felt bad for the kiddo today. And I'm really proud of him. See, last year he really didn't improve his skills at all simply because we had a coach who, when he even bothered to show up, couldn't be bothered to teach the kids anything. Now this year, the kiddo has moved to a new level because of his age--now they have goalies, really enforce the rules, and keep score.

It's a whole new ballgame.

And the poor dude? He's used to really carrying his team. Not being that kid who just can't pull it off. Today, he really couldn't pull it off. He was "that kid" on the team and the team carried him. Of course, he's been sick for a couple of days and puked halfway to town. I told him he didn't have to go, I did everything short of outright forbidding it and refusing to take him.

But the kid loves soccer. And he has this inner drive that's amazing. And I'm proud of him--because he went and gave it his all. None of us is used to seeing his all be anything short of a great performance. But that's okay. Because he can make up for that year of not getting to learn with a good coach. And he's a quick learner.
Unfortunately for him, he's inherited this painful trait from his parents--you know, where "okay" isn't good enough, and failure is  unacceptable. Well, as long as we're not talking chores lol. It's not an easy way to be though.

And did I mention? The kid has heart and guts. He won't give up no matter what--which is a major pain in the ass when you are his parent. But as far as human qualities go, it's respectable.

The kid's got heart. And I love him all the more for it.

Omg, I can't believe it took all this time to sink in--I'm a soccer mom and surprisingly proud of it. Well, him.

Because despite the ups and downs of parent/child relations? He's an amazing kid.

Constant Dominance

I mused on this subject for a while and rediscovered the draft I wrote a while back. Since I have nothing even semi-interesting to say besides the fact that we are about to add kittens to our menagerie and I want to go to bed not work, I figured I would publish it lol.


No one is Dominant all the time.

I know, shocker right? Bastards. Inconsiderate of them to be human too isn't it lol. But it's true. Constant Dominance is a myth. No matter who you are, what your situation is, or how entwined ttwd is in your life, being Dominant all the time is not possible. Maybe a few people will sputter and object, but it's just  fact of living life and being human.
People get sick, there are problems, everyone has bad days, we all submit to someone at some point in some way.
As a submissive, it can be a hard pill to swallow. I mean, no one really wants to submit to anything less than what they see as one of the ultimate powers right?
But I think that the simple fact that no one is Dominant all the time is perhaps one of the rewards of Dominance (I of course, see other rewards, like blow jobs on demand from a tired and cranky graceful sub, getting your way, having the last word, etc lol).
Anyways, dragging my ass back on track here, being Dominant gives an area in life where a Dom has control regardless of what's going on at work or anywhere else. A while back when things were going really bad, Alpha told me that our relationship was about the only thing He was really happy with in His life. At the time, some decisions had been made that did not end well, His business was a mess, circumstances dictated that He had a great lack of control over anything. Except for me.

And that was enough. Not ideal maybe, but enough nonetheless.

I'm not an expert on being Dominant. Because that's not who I am and I see it from my end of the spectrum-- as a submissive. Though it could also, of course, be said that I ain't (is so a word when the children can't hear it), an expert on submission either lol.

But expertise or lack thereof aside, I do believe it to be true--constant Dominance is a myth.

Ugh

For once, I have absolutely nothing good to say (oh sure, go ahead and snicker, just try not to spit coffee all over the keyboard while you're laughing).

I'm sick. I have a 30some hour work week to complete in three days. The property twenty feet away from our door is getting sold--to my crazy mother in law or some psycho bitch who sent the police to my house for a nonexistent domestic dispute a few days ago. Oh yesssssss--today is just beautiful. Drama comes in so many pretty shades of rage-red!

I live in crazy land. And I would love to be able to buy them all  tickets to go far far away from here. Complimentary mind-numbing cold virus included free of charge.

Hard Use

Stepping out of the shower last night, I was thinking that I was rather glad He hadn't read my blog that morning and wouldn't see it until today. Hah. Great minds think opposite. I wandered into the living room only to be accosted by that horribly squirmy feeling which accompanies His reading my occasional communications with Him via blogger. Exceptionally close to bedtime too. Meaning His chance to implement any not-so-bright ideas I may have inspired was near at hand.

I should really keep my dreams to myself.
Because I have one dirty little moment in dreamland, and He runs with it, makes it so much more, takes whatever was hiding in my mind, proceeding to beat and fuck it into a whole new level of existence.

Oh who am I kidding? Myself I suppose.

I loved it. My mind rebels, my body betrays, and I drown in it anyways. There is part of me that was very much made for hard use.

I tend to cultivate the inner fierceness that keeps me going, makes me feel like I have my shit together, forces all my ducks to walk in the cute little row I want.
It can interfere with submission a bit. And sometimes it takes something more powerful, more fierce and raging than myself, to put me back where I belong.

He hurt me. And He used me ten different ways. He showed me something more fierce than myself. And it was amazing in every sense of the word.
Then He told me to cum.

And I couldn't. Nope, nuh huh, no way, body says "fuck you lil." Really?! Some of the most amazing sex of my life and I'm not gonna get to finish?!!! Hmmm. If I had been capable of speech I would have complained loud and long.

I guess the orgasm became important to me because I used to not be able to have them. Then at some point, the acts themselves became important because I didn't used to enjoy them.

But I think that, as with so many things in life, the steps we take on our journey are more important than the end of the road.

I accepted my need for that raw primal fierceness. Because sometimes nothing else can overpower that inner rage I cultivate to keep me in one piece.

And I realized how important those little moments of tenderness are in the midst of the battleground my body can be.
It's another one of those damn conundrum things--to be used brutally and told that I am loved all the more for it.

Dreams and other ramblings

I had dreams last night. Lots of them. The only one I remember woke me up. Alpha was using me. In a very extreme sense of the word. And it was Him...But not...Older perhaps. When I opened my eyes, it took me a minute to get back to reality...To makes sure that the dark quiet of our room was the real world, and not the intense dream I had awoken from.

Last night was a little...Off. Not bad, just not....

I always wonder why, sometimes it seems like we are closer than skin, and other we are just...close. It's a difficult distinction to put into words. Perhaps it just has to do with the space I am in. Sometimes sex is just sex, and sometimes it's more intimate than words can describe.

I realized something as I was laying there musing silently about this. It is, as most of my realizations are, a bit of a leap from one thought process to the next lol. There is one word He says to me more than any other when we are in bed, and it's non of the logical choices--relax.

At some point He had asked me what was wrong. And in all honesty? I had no clue. Then He asked me why I was so scared. I was quick to inform Him that I wasn't. Hmm, I committed cardinal sin #1. It wasn't exactly true. I wasn't afraid...exactly. Well I was, but there was no logic or reason to it.

I was scared. Scared of letting go, need, lust, that lack of control over my own body's responses.
I was afraid of that overwhelming feeling of total and complete loss of self in the moment. And I wouldn't let it carry me away, take me to that place where we are so close because there is no me...Just us.

And it seems a bit silly, to want and need something so badly yet be so terrified and fight it so friggin much...

A lot of times, I work through things on my blog, and eventually they fade into the archives as lessons learned and experiences gone by. But this one? This one is far older than the blog, if previously unacknowledged. And it keeps resurfacing.

I think that's one of the biggest reasons why the word He says most is "relax."

Ice Queen Melting

Yea I know, two posts in one day is a bit over the top. What can I say--the house is clean lol.

It was easy being the ice queen.

She was cold and solid like stone

unattached to love, lust, sex, the place we call home.

It was easy

being alone in His company.

It meant there was a part of self that could always be free

would never need

passion

approval

control that was not her own.

It was easy being the Ice Queen
she could never beg
wouldn't be caught dead crawling on her knees
trying to please.

It was lonely out there in the cold
but a heart of ice fears the fire
that comes with these raging desires

He climbed inside my mind and reminded me
that "mine" lasts for all time.

That we can be closer than skin will allow
that a queen on her knees
owned and never sold
is as free as she can possibly be.

He chipped away at the walls
melted the ice around my soul that I was so sure kept me whole
He peeled away the layers of who I thought I was
and wanted to be.

Now I am the queen at His feet
the whore on her knees
come crawling
begging to please.

Rambling about change

For the first time in over a year, I puttered around at the computer and watched Alpha get ready to go to work. Yes, a real project with a close deadline and good pay. In the freezing rain. But He doesn't care about the fact that He'll probably be putting in 80 hours or more a week to get it done on time, or that He's working in the freezing rain...Because He's got work.

Me? I'm down to one week left at my job.

It's been good for us, this last incredibly difficult and broke year. He's taken care of me since I was 15 and I had begun to doubt what I could do, to wonder if I was capable of taking care of us, of accomplishing something outside of the house--Because I had never really done it before. But I did.

And He got the first real break He's had in 20 years. It gave Him a chance to focus on the garden, the kids, us, living as opposed to always working. And our D/s grew in leaps and bounds, we became closer, our relationship redefined itself again. It has been good but difficult. It has been challenging to my submission and our sanity.

Really though, He was made for the provider role. It fits Him like a glove and makes Him happy.

And me? Maybe I'll end back up at another temporary job, or maybe He will be able to keep working and I can muse about going back to school and doing something I actually enjoy.
Who knows. For today, I'm going to watch the rain, clean my house, make sure there's a hot dinner on the table, and work on a new idea.

Did I mention how sexy a man is when He's enthusiastically getting ready to go work in the freezing rain?

Beautiful Conundrum

It's a beautiful conundrum, being in love with a man who can look me in the eye and state sincerely, "I worship you."

Then turns around two minutes later and says dismissively, "get your ass in bed and start without me. I'm going to use you."

And He does. Roughly. Leaving no room for doubt in my mind--that I am His dirty little whore.

Adjustable Torture, or Bull nose nipple clamps--Eden Fantasys Review

I swore off nipple clamps of any kind after my last adventure into torment their realm. Of course, Alpha sees anything I decide is horrific as an opportunity to break down my walls and open up my nasty little boxes. So naturally, when He saw nipple clamps as an option for my next Eden Fantasys review, out of all the sex toys we were looking at, He thought they were the perfect choice.
My first objection was the fact that they are coated in latex, and having had horrible reactions to latex condoms, I was not to keen on them.

The thing is...I absolutely love these nipple clamps. I had no reaction to the latex and I like the fact that they can be evil, or not-so-evil.

Bull Nose Nipple Clamps

As usual, I think it's necessary to point out that Eden Fantasys uses very discreet packaging which is a huge plus for anything coming to your mailbox.

If you have a severe allergy to latex, I might be hesitant to try these, but I had no reaction to them at all. Much to my dismay, He attached them to my clit (mean I tell you, so mean). I was just waiting for the horrible reaction, but I didn't have one. Well, besides the whole "I will be any kind of filthy whore you want--please don't tighten them up any more!"

These clamps seem quite sturdy and so does the chain. It's not something delicate that you are afraid to yank on (unfortunately).
I'm a fan of easing into pain, and since these are adjustable, you can put them on and crank them down as time goes by (though anything that's cutting off circulation should only stay on for so long. At least that's what I'm always swearing to Alpha lol). The little screw thingies on the side are how you adjust them (yea, so I don't always have a way with words, so what), but they aren't as cumbersome as I thought they might be. And hey, if He's not paying enough attention to be able to tighten or loosen them I don't want Him doing mean things to me anyways lol.
Alpha has large hands, and He did say that He wished the handles were a little bit longer because they were difficult to get off in a hurry. Overall though, that was really our only complaint regarding these clamps

I don't know how well these would stay on if you had really large nipples, because I experimented with attaching them to different body parts (I had reached that space of being so far down where insanity kicks in and self-preservation becomes a lost skill), and the more fatty the tissue, the less grasp they had. I suppose if you have very small nipples, they might not have quite enough bite.
There was no problem with them coming off my nipples though, even when He decided it would be fun to yank my chain.

I'm quite happy with these nipple clamps and think that we will be using them regularly. They are reasonably priced and quite versatile. The serious pain sluts seem to be fond of the type of clamps I hate with a passion, so I don't know how happy they would be with these. Though like I said, they are very adjustable so I would think anyone could get their fix from them.
These would be especially great for the newbie or someone seeking to increase their pain tolerance because you have the option of making them more or less vicious.  

A page just for newbies?

In our early explorations of ttwd, I did a massive amount of reading--blogs, websites, anything I could lay my greedy little eyes on.


Much to my surprise, my crazy little blog eventually ended up listed on a couple of them.
The thing is, blogs come and go. And it's rarely the ones I have little interest in.
Yesterday, much to my dismay, I discovered that one of my favorites was no longer in existence (reading blogs is addictive ya know, some become part of the morning coffee ritual which should never be disturbed).

This got me to thinking about all that early reading I did, how greedy I was for information, how difficult it can be in the beginning to separate fantasy from the facts of reality, and how much complete crap is out there.
So I started thinking about creating a page on the blog just for newbies (my admitted fucked-upness and the fact that I'm always confused and questioning does not disqualify me from giving advice tyvm. Geez, free advice is worth what you pay for it after all lol).

Anyways, because ttwd is individual like the people who do it, needs for knowledge are different. What I needed to learn was different than what another will need, though there are some basic concepts that I think apply to everyone.

I rarely ask for input from my readers, probably because it saves me from the rudeness of disagreeing with advice I asked for lol; however, if there was one (or more, why not) thing you wish you could have discovered about ttwd before learning it the hard way, what would it have been?

Nothing I have read anywhere ever came near to substituting for the things I have learned from and with Alpha, but occasionally they have clarified my confusion or prompted thoughts that helped me to evolve as a submissive.

And I was so shy that first year, I never commented or asked questions, I just lurked around and hoped that I would find my answers in someone elses question. More often than not, my answers were waiting for me when I plucked up the courage to ask Alpha.

But still, for every great blog and website, there are fifty more that are not realistic and completely lack anything helpful for the new explorer.

So, if there was one (or more, why not) thing you wish you knew about ttwd before learning it the hard way, what would it be?

From Morning to Night

 Early morning:
"I want to shove my cock down your throat till you cry. It's been to long...." Note my self preserving respectful silence (I have learned that sometimes it's really best to treat Him like a wild animal--don't make eye contact, no sudden movement, don't breath to loud, etc).

Mid-morning
"You can't beat me into happiness!" I squealed making a hasty retreat towards the fridge. It was an unfortunate choice of direction--there is no hidden escape route around the milk and over the eggs. He knows it too. So of course, He continued to advance menacingly purposefully. Raising His eyebrows He said smugly, "are you quite sure about that?" As I neared His height gasping for air (He's almost a foot taller than me, it's really not physically possible...), I had to admit...Maybe He can.

The aforementioned activities usually turn the day around in a good way, however...

By afternoon:
He says the three words I never want to hear: "I'm scared too baby."
And I'm on the couch in tears wanting to crawl to Him and absolutely refusing to loose the inner war with myself and actually do it.

After bedtime:
He had promised me the riding crop...I squirmed and insisted it was quite alright if He didn't keep His promises. He dismissed my claims with a growl "But you will think less of me if I don't keep my word."
Smart man.
"No really, I won't think less of you at all, not this time, I promise!" He never did find the riding crop...But He settled for that damnable wooden spoon.


I was whipped, clamped, fucked to tears, called a filthy whore, and told how loved, amazing, and precious I am.


All in all, for it's mid-day mess, yesterday ended quite happily.