I find myself in a very odd place tonight. Yes, I'm in my living room...But the thing is...I'm needy. Yes, I know I'm probably always needy in one way or another lol.
But not this way.
Alpha's been working constantly. And He's asleep as soon as He's done with dinner. And He's sick. Last week I was sick. This means no one's been getting any action around here.
The thing is, the less sex we have? The less I want it. Well, there's a happy medium there because my body and I have these disagreements sometimes. It will betray me in numerous ways--My mind says "more pleeaase!" (yes, I have been known to speak in tongues). Or conversely, it will tell Him that something I am desperately begging Him to stop doing is turning me on to no end.
So we have this off and on relationship, my body and I.
I'm used to the betrayals...Just not the kind where I want to crawl in bed and beg to be used. Could I crawl in bed right now and say "please fuck me in the ass Master"? I could...But I can't. Writing it is painful enough, like nails on the crazy little chalkboard in my head.
And I wonder why it's so difficult for me to say and type those words. Perhaps it strikes me as crude and I enjoy subtlety. Or perhaps it's to honest and blatant.
Either way, I could crawl into bed and beg for it. I might even get it. But chances are? I won't try.
The thing is, no matter what it is, I hardly ever ask for it. My body asks, my mind asks, and usually He hears me anyways. But whether it's pain or pleasure or anything in between. I never open my mouth and ask.
Maybe it has something to do with the fact that if I ask for it, I can't deny I wanted it and pretend it's all His desires that got me there in that moment.
Overall? I'm not used to wanting something I spent years trying to avoid. And I have a very hard time admitting what I want by using those pesky things we humans communicate with called words.