My Fortress

So I've got these walls, but their not just walls--more like a fortress with a moat and large vats of hot oil just waiting to be poured (ironically, they often seem to tip inwards, but that's another post...).

Occasionally Alpha ends up back out in the moat which is a bit like waving red in front of a raging bull.
That is generally when those pesky vats of burning liquid spill inwards.

But I had a little moment of realization today--maybe I don't actually need this castle anymore.

Walls exist to provide safety by keeping things out. I have no desire to keep Alpha out.
To a large extent, he protects me from the world. And he protects me from myself. Even when he has to swim across the moat and tear down my walls to put out the fires.

But that lonely little castle, it's not where I go for shelter, it's not where I lay my head or cry my tears. Inside is not where I share my dreams or conquer my fears. In fact, my real fortress looks a lot like this:

And it's lovely--because no one else can enter here. It's just him and me. But the outside world sees this:

He is my fortress, my shelter in the storms, the walls between myself and the big bad world outside. Here we spar, love, cry, and laugh. Safely tucked away from the eyes and reach of humanity.

So what happens if I simply accept the fact that he is my fortress and let my lonely walls crumble?

Blogger...

Blogger's being fuckered...And this post really just to see if it will stop being fuckered...

Quiet

Quiet is in short supply around here today. And therefor, so is my focus. I hadn't really thought about it much, outside of the context of literally not having a minute to myself (small children have boundary issues, what can I say lol).

Though right now, in this moment...There is a lovely quiet spread across my house. Punctuated only by breathing and the occasional snore.
I need these moments. I need time to muse where the only sounds are the thoughts in my head. Of course, it means getting up before the sun, which is easier said than done these days...But I think it's well worth it.

And time...The time to focus on us, on our exchange of power, what our relationship is today and what we hope it will become...

The quiet is a lovely place. It is not silent, neither is it loud. It is simply a space unlike any other--a space to muse and focus.
On us.
On submission.
On Dominance.
On who we are and will one day be.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I went back to bed. And lovely things happened. Getting up before the sun? A very good idea indeed.

Fitting In and Doing it Wrong

I changed the comment format so hopefully there won't be any more issues with not being able to post comments. Sometimes I think that Blogger just likes messing with me...

I read this post by kytten, where she muses about the possibility that she doesn't fit in here. Then I read one by kaya, who says her Master and herself don't fit the M/s mold.

They got me to thinking--what is a M/s or a D/s relationship, what defines whether we are "doing it right" or not? Perhaps the solution is simple and we are all just doing it wrong lol.

So what is the typical D/s relationship? An omnipotent Master who never makes mistakes, doesn't fall in love, and never bows to anyone? A submissive who is always on her knees, never falls on her face, and lives her life chained to the bed wanting only to serve?

Truth be told, I have come to believe that the "typical" relationship is a fantasy. It's propagated across social boards, various websites, and in the minds of ourselves when we doubt our relationships or ourselves.

It's easy to compare and contrast, to see where we fall short and others soar above. But for the most part, we see only what we are allowed--we get the glimpses we are given. And not everyone wants to say they were up all night with puking kids, or their car broke down, or they had a knockdown dragout fight. Sometimes it's simply because they feel such things have no place on their blog or place of expression and that's completely understandable.
Other times I think it's because people don't like seeming less than perfect. As if the reality of life should not be seen because it is...Less than perfect. Less than fantasy.

Which leads me to a comment Jz once wrote, about the individuality of ttwd. She felt that the single biggest thing every beginner should know is that each relationship is unique, that ttwd is different for each person because it is an individual experience.

That's not something you see scattered across message boards or displayed prominently on websites. And I think that is perhaps a disservice to people who are just starting to explore the nature of ttwd.
There is a fantasy of the perfect Master. The perfect slave. And it's a fantasy outside of reality. A fantasy that we occasionally fall prey to believing, or we simply shake our heads and wander off to browse pastures that appear less green.

So what is ttwd?

It is a relationship entwined in the exchange of power. The rest is simply what we figure out along the way, how we grow together, and what works for us as individuals.

There are a million ways to do it wrong, but is there really any one "right" way where we all fit in perfectly? I doubt it.
There's simply the fantasy of such. Otherwise, we would all just be doing it wrong wouldn't we?

A Creature of Extremes?

Sometimes I think that I am at my best only during extremes.

Extreme pain, pleasure, joy, trauma, sadness...The moments of life's ultimate madness...In those instances I am often my best.

It's the afterwards and before that I fall flat. The mundane issues are the ones I struggle to accept.

Death, birth, junkies, accidents, all those things we hope don't spend too much time in our life?

Those dealings are the instances where I feel like I fulfill my potential.

Screaming children, bills, petty family arguments, broken stoves, those are the things that stop me up short.

Maybe that is one of the reasons I am so attracted to ttwd--that need for extremes and my inability to hold the middle ground? Because I do better swimming in the deep.

It's not that I don't enjoy the quiet times, those simple sweet little pleasures that life offers, the gentler moments of existence...Because I do. They soften the experience of being human and bring a depth of joy that is found only in the little things.

But I also thrive in blood, sweat, tears, and the kind of joys that light up a night sky.

When the darkness is deep enough to drown in and the light bright enough to blind, those seem to be my times.

Perhaps I am simply a creature of extremes.

Crazy I Tell You

It seems that the most interesting family conversations happen in the car or at grandma's these days...

Kid1: "she hit me!!!"
Babygirl: "he called me a bugger butt!!"
Kid2: "I wanna play too!!!!"
Alpha: "look, a pretty cloud!"
Kids: "oooohhh!"

Kid1: "She poked me in the eye Again!"
Babygirl, I didn't poke his eye out!"
Alpha: Don't poke him in the eye again! Remember how soandso was missing an eye?"
Babygirl: "But he didn't poke his eye out, he had an accident!"
Alpha to me, "put out or get out!"
Me, "drop me here please!"

And of course, from grandma's living room, kid2: "I have nuts, I have nuts, I have nuts!!!"
Unfortunately, he wasn't eating at the time...

Slow Learner?

We have had arguments during sex before.
The thing is, I can't really remember any of them. And I certainly don't remember dissolving into a ridiculously pathetic ball of tears and snot.

Alpha had plans for me. Then he decided they were happening on his schedule not mine. I blew things completely out of proportion may have blown things a bit out of proportion. And I deliberately kept my distance. I went to that lonely distant little place in my mind, refused to let myself fall into subspace, and just went away.

This is a nono second only to lying. I used to do it all the time. And he hates it. With a passion.

Ironically, while I was busy keeping my internal distance, he not only knew I had deliberately checked out, but that I was also actively trying to keep him out (it does occasionally happen without any deliberate attempts on my part).

I told him that sometimes I feel like he doesn't help me succeed. Believe it or not, that was the internally edited version. My brain said  "sets me up to fail". But even in my obstinance, I knew that wasn't really fair.

He withdrew (both literally and figuratively), and I...To my horror I burst into tears. Not those cute little sniffles some that pass for crying with some people, but a full on "the sky hath fallen" rain of misery.

At that point I was quite sorry, and absolutely appalled by my complete patheticness (it so should be a word). I was also still a bit annoyed by his apparent lack of consideration for my needs. Which at the time, I felt was most definitely sleep.
The irony of staying up and fighting because I think my sleep schedule is being interfered with, versus submitting gracefully are not lost on me here.

He was very put out and let me know as much in no uncertain terms. He turned the light off and told me to go to sleep.

We ended up in the kitchen talking. Well, for the most part he talked and I sobbed. Wtf is wrong with me?

Alpha pointed out that it's a difficult position for him to be in--when I expect his Dominance to come on my own terms.
I admitted that I felt his opinion was valid and told him that sometimes I feel like I need help to succeed and he doesn't give it. I told him that this was more of an underlying thing for me than anything that was really an issue in the moment, and I apologized for blowing things so far out of proportion.
He said he understood where I was coming from and said he realized that sometimes I do need his help to succeed at the things he wants from me.

I felt like I was in some horrible kind of subspace that was lonely and just...Off. Grey instead of color perhaps. It started as soon as hew withdrew from me. He held me and told me that's how he feels when we are together and I check out.
Honestly, I had never really thought about how it felt for him when we are together but I'm not all there. Perhaps I'm more selfish than I like to admit.

We ended up back in bed around midnight. He came back in, I checked back in, and we were on solid ground once again.

I wonder if  I'll ever get the hang of this whole submissive thing?
We've been at ttwd for around 5(?) years now and it really seems like the learning curve just rolls back in on itself sometimes.

Always and Forever

Take
me down

to that place where my screams sound like a distant dream

and everything we are is all that I am.

Where pain is pleasure and pleasure is indefinable

and undeniable

when my soul becomes bare

laid out for your care.

Where the remnants of

who I was are no longer what I am.

Push me over the edge

and untie every last thread

in my cloak of solitude.

Delve inside my mind

climb to that place where I am yours

and you are...mine.

Where what we are is beyond time

and we float along in our own rhythm and rhyme.

Walking outside the lines

all that I am is yours

and all that I have is no longer mine.

Take 

me

down

to that place of infinite truth

outside of age and youth.

I believe in you

like you believe in me

and your bonds,

they have set me free

in this infinite sea we call humanity.

Hold me close that I may not fall

bring me to my knees that I may crawl

take away my sight that I may see

stand beside me that I may sit at your feet

lift me up that I may kneel

give me pleasure that I may feel

cause me pain that I may heal.

Come sit beside me and watch the sands of time slip by.

Lend me your shoulder that I may cry

let me see your wounds that I may sooth your pain.

Come away and dance with me in the rain 

even though you think it's a little bit insane.

Lay your head in my lap at the end of the day

when all that is good seems far away.

I'll lend you my ear

and listen to your hopes and fears.

You are my light in the dark

my shelter in the storm.

In cold times you keep me warm

when I am surrounded by infinite sadness, 

you are my gladness.

You are my hero

and I live to be near you.

Won't you lift me up that I may kneel

 and cause me pain that I may heal.

Show me now and again that we are real

kiss my flesh with bittersweet steel

wipe away my tears

and wash away my fears.

Come walk with me across these years

And I will be yours

always and forever.

Rambling On

 I know I ramble a lot, but this may be a whole new level of jumbled nonsensicalness lol (I don't care if it's not a word. I like it).

I have kept my own pretty tight hold on the slut inside for a very long time. I know, the reins should have been handed over completely a while back...And I try, I really do...

Maybe I think that part of me is lacking in moral character, that if I don't tighten the reins myself, Alpha will find there are parts of me that he genuinely does not like.

I have been thinking about a conversation we had a while back where I was moaning about we were discussing this particular subject. He said all that really mattered was that I put him first. That as long as I never put the desires of another before his, all would be well.

It sounds simple right? And at it's core, it really is. But it's an arena I have failed miserably at in the past. What I like to think of as the distant past lol.
It hasn't been an issue for years. Choices have been made, lines have been drawn, side were chosen long before new external conflicts emerge.

I have also been working on not expecting Alpha to make decisions and excessively questioning his judgement when he does.
This was recently put to the test in the middle of a huge family drama. He made a choice I disagreed with. And there were people (including me), who questioned if it was a good choice. For a while Alpha and I found ourselves on different pages. I told him I disagreed, but I stood behind him and his decision. I told people the truth about it (always nice having your family knockdown-dragout-shit in someone elses living room), that I was working on not asking him to make decisions then doubting him incessantly. That I would stand behind his decision even if I felt differently than he did.
Turned out he was right.

I look back at the past, where we have been and where we are now; and I can't help but wonder about the evolution of ttwd. The path it takes two people on over the course of time.
I cannot imagine that one would reach the point where it's all been said and done, a place where we grow beyond our roles. Mostly because I simply cannot conceive of ever going back to what we used to be before D/s.

Perhaps over time it simply becomes less like a perfect fitting glove and more like the hand that wears it, more a part of self than an extension.

I'm thinking that I really shouldn't write before coffee...And probably should not be read before coffee either lol.

Tattered Shell

Submission isn't all about doing what you want. Gasp and shudder, imagine that?

And there are times I do things I don't want too and the feeling afterwards is every bit worth the experience. Then there are times when the feeling afterwards is just...Not.

Sometimes we are the closer for it. Those times are usually after something intense.
Ironically, the times I feel distant afterwards are after those benign experiences I didn't want to have. Little things that aren't really a big deal at all.

And I retreat back into the tattered remains of my shell, wrapping it around me like a ragged little blanket.

It's those times when I resent all the rents and holes in my shell, the massive breaches in my walls, the unlocked doors that no longer close.
So I try to start repairing my little shell. Piece by piece I begin attempting to patch it back together.

The thing is...He's already inside. He tears at my walls from the inside out, mercilessly ripping pieces off my shroud of protection, leaving me grasping desperately at it's tattered remains.

Why do I still, after all these years, feel so attached to my inner fortress of solitude?
It's not as if I really want to be here...

But sometimes still, I find myself retreating. Amongst the dusty boxes and locked doors. Of my lonely, ragged little fortress.

Like Water

When life is disrupted and crazy, there comes a certain point where I no longer want D/s.
Repression is, unfortunately, my specialty.

Then after a while, this terrifying realization dawns on me (yea I know, my "realization" is not a news flash or some new major surprise), and I have to accept the fact that I need D/s.

I suppose it would sound dramatic to say it's a need like the physical requirement for air, and that wouldn't be exactly true either...It's more like water in the desert--you can go without for a while. At first you even feel okay, and you think you'll be fine without it for as long as you have to.

After a while, you realize that you really won't be okay without it. That you don't want it merely to sate your thirst--you need it.

And then when you get it, there's a temptation to gorge, but your body rejects it because it's too much at once...

I still wonder when exactly ttwd became a need? No longer a want for pleasure or pain, but an unavoidable need for his control. His pain. His Dominance. An inexplicable craving to be owned.

And feel it.

Every day.

Wouldn't it be convenient if it was all just a game, and could be turned off and on at will?
But that would be a bit like dipping your toes in the oasis--why play on the edges when you can dive right in?

D/s is a bit like water--it's one of those needs beyond want.

I think I can live without it for a while...But eventually I will, beg, cry, and crawl for even just one drop.

Because I need it.

The Value of Truth

People talk about truth a lot when it comes to D/s. But I think that truth and what you do with it is important in any context.

For me, truth earns respect. And lies...Well, there's really no quicker way to piss me off.
I have been on both ends of the spectrum--the liar and the lied to.

My dad always said that the truth was worth standing up for. No matter what. But it took him most of his life to figure out that one can still stand for truth and not have to be an ass about it lol.
And Alpha, Alpha always told me "to thine own self be true."

It's funny you know, how very absolute the truth is, yet how subjective it becomes--your truth is not my truth, my truth is not another's truth (fuck you spell check), etc.

This subject has been on my mind lately because we recently found ourselves exploring a deeply woven web of bullshit. And one of the most frustrating things about lies, is knowing the truth and seeing other people believe the lie.
But I'm trying no avoid the pit of repetitive bitching I seem to have fallen into lol, so I want to muse about truth in the context of our relationship.

Alpha expects the truth from me at all times. But he's not always happy with it. So sometimes it's tricky--there have been times where I felt like I was being punished for honesty; though, he has realized that it is not productive to demand truth and expect that he will always like what he hears.

Something funny has happened over time though--I got to the point where I could never even consider offering Alpha anything less than complete honesty. Truth became like this invisible thread binding us together, woven through every interaction we have.

For us, truth is deeply entwined in ttwd. It's what makes possible that connecting arc of energy that brings us closer than our skin, it removes the mental barriers erected over time--when you aren't hiding things in your mind, there is an opportunity for deeper connection that , I believe, cannot be achieved without honesty.

The value of truth is dependent on the individual. We find truth on the edges of the grey moral areas, those places where we are faced with internal discomfort because we have found a conflict between what we say and what we know to be true.

There's this feeling though, when you have let someone so deep into your soul, where truth chips away at our internal walls, where untruths become unbearable because it is something between you. And it dampens the spark, the connection, the ability to come out of extremes a better person in a better relationship.

Sometimes we hide our truth.. Because after all, when we are stripped bare and it is the only thing left, there is no longer anything to hide behind. There is simply our self. In all the glorious imperfection of humanity.

The value of truth varies for each individual. The truth is not always pretty. It shows us what we really are behind the walls we erect for the world. But something amazing happens when we share our unfiltered truths with another human being--truth itself becomes an unequaled form of intimacy.

And I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Own Me Always

Yesterday morning, Alpha said he couldn't live without sex (I'm not the only one around here with a flare for the dramatic pft). Then I said I couldn't live without D/s.

We both knew we needed a reconnection. If for nothing else than sanity.

I had a traumatizing evening talking to babygirl while Alpha and the boys were crashed out. Anyone who says it's impossible to be traumatized by a four year old has never talked to one lol. I learn something sad about her life every day.

Anyways, Finally all were sleeping soundly snoring in their beds. And of course my husband was snoring soundly on the floor.
Can you believe he tells me I'm mean when I wake him up to go to bed? Inhumane I tell you.

To bed we went. As he was cumming in my ass I begged him to own me always. His responding "yes" sent shivers beyond orgasm down my spine. Ah yes, the thrill of hearing "all Mine." It extends through time and bypasses all those fine lines of life's crazy grind.

I may have to be the queen bitch upon occasion, but I'll always end up where I belong--firmly leashed at his feet.

Life is crazy. Love is good. Being human is a roller coaster ride, and ttwd is an amazing experience on the journey.

I need more coffee. And I may even catch up on my blog reading today as I put in some serious time cleaning the house yesterday.

Ahh, A suitably clean house, 2 out of three kids clean, back in my place where I long to be...Life may not be such a mess after all.

My life is a circus

I look at my blog with its title I love so much and notice that D/s hasn't really been showing much. But damn, life's goal for the next 24 hours? Make it through a six hour car ride, shopping, and Alpha's Dr. appointment with three children under ten.

I try to ramble mostly about D/s or our relationship. But this is my life, and damned if it doesn't get more complicated by the day.

I have to say...I'm angry. I have been lied to, manipulated, sleep deprived, and had our lives inside out. For what? So thing1 can avoid curbing her addictions while I cram 3 children into one tiny bedroom and tuck her kid in at night soothing babygirl as she cries for her mom?

I did braided pigtails for the first time in my life today.
I had to pick out a matching outfit for a kid for the first time ever. Holy hell, I'm just happy if I can get the boys into something clean lol.

And I don't resent babygirl. At all. I am angry. I held on to the whole loving support bit for a while, but damn. I'm tired of the schizophrenic bullshit from thing1.

I got one "Look" today. Alpha was telling me to be careful and I got that warning look. And it freaking melted me. I am so tired of life changing decisions, lacking the closeness that comes when we are on, those random moments in time against the kitchen wall...

And did I mention that stupid Dr. appointment of Alpha's that's been chewing away at the back of my mind for over a month?

You know, being kidnapped and beaten wouldn't be so bad...Wonder if he'd oblige me, given a miraculous moment of free time...

Did I say that today would have been my father's 59th birthday?

After about a weeks worth of sleep I'll get my humor back. I'm fairly sure it's at the bottom of my coffee a few gallons later in the week.

Tired

As I was obsessively stirring sugar into my fourth cup of morning coffee, I overheard the gas station attendants as they stared at the children bouncing around in the truck "three kids, in This economy?!" I just stared at them. All I could think was "you have no idea. Feeding them is the least of my problems at this point."

I am insanely tired. And the children are...Not.

My mind is tired, my body is telling me I'm a bitch and tried to overdose on coffee, I've had around 12 hours of sleep in the last four days, and had my heart broken in ways I previously thought impossible.

And that is that for this post...Because children who should be sleeping? Are very cranky people.

Long Days Ahead

Today is going to be one of those exceptionally long days. You know, the kind where, regardless of the outcome, you remember it forever whether you want to or not.
They're always the longest days aren't they.

Life is a cyclical process. Sometimes we float in circles that push other circles to the side. Our sex life has been on the rocks. Well, that's an exaggeration--we haven't really had one at all lately.
And our D/s? It's there, floating below the surface, tucked quietly into a haze of decision making and events both within and beyond our control. He needed me to make the final call, the decision on direction. Probably so I couldn't complain about it later. So I decided. Then I asked if it was the way to go, because after all, the main weight falls on his shoulders.

It's funny you know, some people seem to think that submitting means not making decisions. And sometimes it does. But it doesn't mean we get to live outside of the world.

Wish me luck as we venture out and try to change our little corner of the world.

Because it is going to be a very long day.

A Title Requires Effort...

I wanted to say thank you to everyone who commented on my last post. I read all of your comments more than once. They were helpful in so many ways--from advice to support.
And they were very much appreciated.

I like having my little blog floating around out here. A little sphere of it's own bumping into other spheres along the way, and watching them travel too.

It's a little chronicle of our journey. A piece of our life written in words and floating in a worldwide space of people and code.

I do not often remove posts. But a post can serve it's purpose without getting to live it's crazy little life of floating around being read by any and all.

So sometimes they retreat. Back to the quiet contemplation of the dashboard. And they sit there through time. Just mine.
Is it ironic that those are rarely the good ones?