Monday, January 16, 2012

Tattered Shell

Submission isn't all about doing what you want. Gasp and shudder, imagine that?

And there are times I do things I don't want too and the feeling afterwards is every bit worth the experience. Then there are times when the feeling afterwards is just...Not.

Sometimes we are the closer for it. Those times are usually after something intense.
Ironically, the times I feel distant afterwards are after those benign experiences I didn't want to have. Little things that aren't really a big deal at all.

And I retreat back into the tattered remains of my shell, wrapping it around me like a ragged little blanket.

It's those times when I resent all the rents and holes in my shell, the massive breaches in my walls, the unlocked doors that no longer close.
So I try to start repairing my little shell. Piece by piece I begin attempting to patch it back together.

The thing is...He's already inside. He tears at my walls from the inside out, mercilessly ripping pieces off my shroud of protection, leaving me grasping desperately at it's tattered remains.

Why do I still, after all these years, feel so attached to my inner fortress of solitude?
It's not as if I really want to be here...

But sometimes still, I find myself retreating. Amongst the dusty boxes and locked doors. Of my lonely, ragged little fortress.


  1. Wow, I really relate to your post. I can't give you a why, but I can empathize with you. You are very lucky to have a man who can pull you out of that place so that you can stay in the place you want to be. Getting locked inside when it's the last place you want to be is a very tricky spot to get out of. Best wishes and good luck to you.

    1. Emilie, looking back over it, it's a bit hard for me to believe I hit "publish" on this one lol. Maybe sex isn't so private but my little shell, well geeze, it's personal lol.
      And getting out of that place is a wonderful feeling isn't it.
      Thank you.

  2. I understand that there shouldn't be any barriers between us and them, so I get why they won't allow the shell.

    The problem is, to my way of thinking anyhow, we need to have a stable core within ourselves. Not one that excludes them, just something we have for ourselves -to help us maintain our balance.
    The problem is that often, the only way we can think of to repair that core is to lock everything else out and let it heal.

    I'm sure there's a middle ground somewhere, that lets us repair without creating a distance. But goodness, it can be about impossible to find...

    1. Jz, you make so much sense I don't know what to say in response lol.
      Maybe one day I'll be able to establish that core without the walls...Though it does seem like I should have figured out how by now...
      Thank you for your thoughts.

  3. @Jz ~ well said.

    @lil ~ no hugs, that might feel invasive now. But i'm sitting here with you.


    1. aisha, wow, you are good aren't you!
      Thank you. Get comfy and have some coffee!


Play nice.