Thursday, January 19, 2012

Slow Learner?

We have had arguments during sex before.
The thing is, I can't really remember any of them. And I certainly don't remember dissolving into a ridiculously pathetic ball of tears and snot.

Alpha had plans for me. Then he decided they were happening on his schedule not mine. I blew things completely out of proportion may have blown things a bit out of proportion. And I deliberately kept my distance. I went to that lonely distant little place in my mind, refused to let myself fall into subspace, and just went away.

This is a nono second only to lying. I used to do it all the time. And he hates it. With a passion.

Ironically, while I was busy keeping my internal distance, he not only knew I had deliberately checked out, but that I was also actively trying to keep him out (it does occasionally happen without any deliberate attempts on my part).

I told him that sometimes I feel like he doesn't help me succeed. Believe it or not, that was the internally edited version. My brain said  "sets me up to fail". But even in my obstinance, I knew that wasn't really fair.

He withdrew (both literally and figuratively), and I...To my horror I burst into tears. Not those cute little sniffles some that pass for crying with some people, but a full on "the sky hath fallen" rain of misery.

At that point I was quite sorry, and absolutely appalled by my complete patheticness (it so should be a word). I was also still a bit annoyed by his apparent lack of consideration for my needs. Which at the time, I felt was most definitely sleep.
The irony of staying up and fighting because I think my sleep schedule is being interfered with, versus submitting gracefully are not lost on me here.

He was very put out and let me know as much in no uncertain terms. He turned the light off and told me to go to sleep.

We ended up in the kitchen talking. Well, for the most part he talked and I sobbed. Wtf is wrong with me?

Alpha pointed out that it's a difficult position for him to be in--when I expect his Dominance to come on my own terms.
I admitted that I felt his opinion was valid and told him that sometimes I feel like I need help to succeed and he doesn't give it. I told him that this was more of an underlying thing for me than anything that was really an issue in the moment, and I apologized for blowing things so far out of proportion.
He said he understood where I was coming from and said he realized that sometimes I do need his help to succeed at the things he wants from me.

I felt like I was in some horrible kind of subspace that was lonely and just...Off. Grey instead of color perhaps. It started as soon as hew withdrew from me. He held me and told me that's how he feels when we are together and I check out.
Honestly, I had never really thought about how it felt for him when we are together but I'm not all there. Perhaps I'm more selfish than I like to admit.

We ended up back in bed around midnight. He came back in, I checked back in, and we were on solid ground once again.

I wonder if  I'll ever get the hang of this whole submissive thing?
We've been at ttwd for around 5(?) years now and it really seems like the learning curve just rolls back in on itself sometimes.

16 comments:

  1. Round here -when he does this - i feel like it's bait and switch - it makes me furious. I pull the total passive aggressive walk away in my head thing too - with the same results. I wonder if i'll learn to handle things any better sometimes too. I'm glad you got over, around, or through.

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    1. gg, yea, the results are less than desirable aren't they? And I think we tend to go through things...It leaves a lot of debris amongst the wreckage, but the results are undeniable lol.

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  2. One step forward, two steps back. It's just the way it is sometimes. At least you communicated and got back on your solid ground. I think maybe your full on crying has been building up from the way you've been feeling lately? It's good that you let it all out.

    Dee x

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    1. Dee, it has quite possibly been building for a while. Though I have found that the further we go into ttwd, the more sensitive I am...Which is just...Painful at times.

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  3. “We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It's just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy. (10)”
    ― Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart

    hugs,

    aisha

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    1. aisha, What a lovely quote. Thank you.

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  4. "when I expect his Dominance to come on my own terms..."

    Wow now that I can relate to. I often think things are hot or things should be a certain way and yet by thinking or even trying to act on those thoughts in any way.....instead of letting him do what he does best.....kind of takes away his power, his control. It's something I continually struggle with though.

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    1. Giggling Bunny, It can be hard to let go huh.

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  5. Just think of it as a growth spurt, the things that needed to be said got said. It may not have happened the way either of you wanted it to, but it did happen and you handled it. That's a win in my book.

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    1. faerie, I have learned that growing pains can be, well, painful...But they are well worth it in the end.

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  6. Nice that you wound up back on solid ground. As faerie said, you did handled it. Good luck and thanks for sharing.

    FD

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    1. FD, it is always good to be back on solid ground. And all the more appreciated after mucking through the swamps.

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  7. It's sooooo hard at times to accept it on their terms. Often we have this warm and fuzzy ideal of what submission should be....it just doesn't always gel with real life. But honestly despite the huge tears you handled it well...you listened, he listened, and your back on the same page.

    Hugs,
    mouse

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    1. mouse, so true. Idea and fantasy do not always mesh with reality.
      Thank you. It's good to e back on the same page.

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  8. lil,
    I think it takes great patience within to embrace the whole "submissive" thing. I wish you all the very best in your journey and I hope you find happiness and peace both in your exchange and within yourself.

    Patience. :)
    ~a

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    1. goodgirl, I am really trying to work on that whole patience thing.
      Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts.

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Play nice.