The thing is, I can't really remember any of them. And I certainly don't remember dissolving into a ridiculously pathetic ball of tears and snot.
Alpha had plans for me. Then he decided they were happening on his schedule not mine. I
This is a nono second only to lying. I used to do it all the time. And he hates it. With a passion.
Ironically, while I was busy keeping my internal distance, he not only knew I had deliberately checked out, but that I was also actively trying to keep him out (it does occasionally happen without any deliberate attempts on my part).
I told him that sometimes I feel like he doesn't help me succeed. Believe it or not, that was the internally edited version. My brain said "sets me up to fail". But even in my obstinance, I knew that wasn't really fair.
He withdrew (both literally and figuratively), and I...To my horror I burst into tears. Not those cute little sniffles some that pass for crying with some people, but a full on "the sky hath fallen" rain of misery.
At that point I was quite sorry, and absolutely appalled by my complete patheticness (it so should be a word). I was also still a bit annoyed by his apparent lack of consideration for my needs. Which at the time, I felt was most definitely sleep.
The irony of staying up and fighting because I think my sleep schedule is being interfered with, versus submitting gracefully are not lost on me here.
He was very put out and let me know as much in no uncertain terms. He turned the light off and told me to go to sleep.
We ended up in the kitchen talking. Well, for the most part he talked and I sobbed. Wtf is wrong with me?
Alpha pointed out that it's a difficult position for him to be in--when I expect his Dominance to come on my own terms.
I admitted that I felt his opinion was valid and told him that sometimes I feel like I need help to succeed and he doesn't give it. I told him that this was more of an underlying thing for me than anything that was really an issue in the moment, and I apologized for blowing things so far out of proportion.
He said he understood where I was coming from and said he realized that sometimes I do need his help to succeed at the things he wants from me.
I felt like I was in some horrible kind of subspace that was lonely and just...Off. Grey instead of color perhaps. It started as soon as hew withdrew from me. He held me and told me that's how he feels when we are together and I check out.
Honestly, I had never really thought about how it felt for him when we are together but I'm not all there. Perhaps I'm more selfish than I like to admit.
We ended up back in bed around midnight. He came back in, I checked back in, and we were on solid ground once again.
I wonder if I'll ever get the hang of this whole submissive thing?
We've been at ttwd for around 5(?) years now and it really seems like the learning curve just rolls back in on itself sometimes.