Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Rambling On

 I know I ramble a lot, but this may be a whole new level of jumbled nonsensicalness lol (I don't care if it's not a word. I like it).

I have kept my own pretty tight hold on the slut inside for a very long time. I know, the reins should have been handed over completely a while back...And I try, I really do...

Maybe I think that part of me is lacking in moral character, that if I don't tighten the reins myself, Alpha will find there are parts of me that he genuinely does not like.

I have been thinking about a conversation we had a while back where I was moaning about we were discussing this particular subject. He said all that really mattered was that I put him first. That as long as I never put the desires of another before his, all would be well.

It sounds simple right? And at it's core, it really is. But it's an arena I have failed miserably at in the past. What I like to think of as the distant past lol.
It hasn't been an issue for years. Choices have been made, lines have been drawn, side were chosen long before new external conflicts emerge.

I have also been working on not expecting Alpha to make decisions and excessively questioning his judgement when he does.
This was recently put to the test in the middle of a huge family drama. He made a choice I disagreed with. And there were people (including me), who questioned if it was a good choice. For a while Alpha and I found ourselves on different pages. I told him I disagreed, but I stood behind him and his decision. I told people the truth about it (always nice having your family knockdown-dragout-shit in someone elses living room), that I was working on not asking him to make decisions then doubting him incessantly. That I would stand behind his decision even if I felt differently than he did.
Turned out he was right.

I look back at the past, where we have been and where we are now; and I can't help but wonder about the evolution of ttwd. The path it takes two people on over the course of time.
I cannot imagine that one would reach the point where it's all been said and done, a place where we grow beyond our roles. Mostly because I simply cannot conceive of ever going back to what we used to be before D/s.

Perhaps over time it simply becomes less like a perfect fitting glove and more like the hand that wears it, more a part of self than an extension.

I'm thinking that I really shouldn't write before coffee...And probably should not be read before coffee either lol.


  1. It sounds very coherent to me. Your point was made.

    1. sunnygirl, thank you. I do strive for coherence, but it doesn't always happen lol.

  2. I always have coffee so it's not a problem.

    And that part they become over time, its my heart and my soul he has become. It's both heartbreaking and glorious and I just call it life.

    I changed to google chrome and it seems to have worked. I'm hoping any way. Take care of yourself.

    1. faerie, a woman after my own heart in so many ways! Glad chrome is working, blogger has been giving me issues lately...As if I don't have enough on my own, sheesh.

  3. I've struggled (read - failed) with this a lot lately. I suppose it will never be exactly easy. Although there are days i would be happy to shut off and truly disengage.

    1. gg, perhaps it's not really failure, but opportunity to see the areas in which further growth would be beneficial?
      And yea, I hear you on those days. I think we all have them.

  4. Dear Lil,

    You writes such interesting posts ~ i enjoy them a lot and they often make me think. For me, this is a glimpse into a life that i may aspire to, or maybe that i'll never have. Either way, i like it a lot. Before or after coffee.


    1. Dear aisha, thank you. One of the things I enjoy about blogland is the thoughts I find that inspire me in some way.
      And you like before coffee?! Too sweet.

  5. It's very difficult to not question decisions isn't it. Either way, I'm with you, reading before coffee is acceptable, posting before coffee is barely acceptable, reading or posting before a cigarette is......... just plain cruelty! Lol :)

    Dee x

  6. Dee, it really can be difficult sometimes can't it. Lol, cruelty sounds like the right word. I take it that's not going so great for you...Sorry!

  7. Not really going at all more like :( But have a patch on as we speak! Mitch has come up with a plan. I'm not sure I'm gonna like it!


Play nice.