It's funny how we think that we know who we are and will be until we look back and see that we are no longer who we were.
Suddenly, when we are here, now, spending so much time together under the same roof, I find myself missing the intimacy of being truly close to you in O/our space.
A couple of months ago you began refusing to punish me for anything (that really sounds so much more glorious than it is. It sounds great. It actually sucks).
And when I failed, I begged for punishment and the purity of absolution that comes with it. You said no. So I continued to try.
And I tried to be a good girl. I tried so hard. But it felt like you didn't see. That there was no difference between being a good girl and...Not. Except perhaps in the way I felt. That I knew I was trying to please, even if you didn't see. So I kept trying.
Because it's not all about what's in it for me, not all about what I get from you, but about what I can surrender to you, what I can offer in return.
Because I believe that the truest tests of submission are not in the things that come easy, but in those moments of balking where things are not what I want, or how I believe they should be.
I love interacting with you in any way that presents itself (except when you're mad at me. That just sucks).
I love believing that there is a purpose in everything you do to me--even if the purpose is as simple as for your pleasure.
I love bending to your will and trembling beneath your grasp in anticipation.
I love the way you think and how you see the world.
I love that you are so loyal, sometimes I want to strangle you for your own good.
I love how I can, and do, trust you with my life.
Most of all though,
I just love you.
Life is hard and we each cope with it as best we can. I know
you love me deeply (oh c'mon, I know you have something to say about that lol).
I hear it in your voice, I see it in your eyes, I feel it in your
And I know how very hard you try.
The thing is...Lately there are many times that I feel like you are in
your own world--as if we live in the same space, but exist in separate
Maybe there is some perfect expression of submission out there that can thrive on the occasional demand. And submit gracefully to that form of Dominance.
To put it eloquently--I ain't it.
I am what you have helped me to become.
It is not who I thought I would be
but I find myself most content and complete when I sit at your feet.
Because I am what you have helped me to become.
And I crave your control more than you may ever truly know.