Saturday, June 9, 2012

A Letter to my Love

It's funny how we think that we know who we are and will be until we look back and see that we are no longer who we were.

Suddenly, when we are here, now, spending so much time together under the same roof, I find myself missing the intimacy of being truly close to you in O/our space.
A couple of months ago you began refusing to punish me for anything (that really sounds so much more glorious than it is. It sounds great. It actually sucks).
And when I failed, I begged for punishment and the purity of absolution that comes with it. You said no. So I continued to try.

And I tried to be a good girl. I tried so hard. But it felt like you didn't see. That there was no difference between being a good girl and...Not. Except perhaps in the way I felt. That I knew I was trying to please, even if you didn't see. So I kept trying.

Because it's not all about what's in it for me, not all about what I get from you, but about what I can surrender to you, what I can offer in return.
Because I believe that the truest tests of submission are not in the things that come easy, but in those moments of balking where things are not what I want, or how I believe they should be.

I love interacting with you in any way that presents itself (except when you're mad at me. That just sucks).
I love believing that there is a purpose in everything you do to me--even if the purpose is as simple as for your pleasure.
I love bending to your will and trembling beneath your grasp in anticipation.
I love the way you think and how you see the world.
I love that you are so loyal, sometimes I want to strangle you for your own good.
I love how I can, and do, trust you with my life.
Most of all though,
I just love you.

Life is hard and we each cope with it as best we can. I know you love me deeply (oh c'mon, I know you have something to say about that lol).
I hear it in your voice, I see it in your eyes, I feel it in your touch.
And I know how very hard you try.

The thing is...Lately there are many times that I feel like you are in your own world--as if we live in the same space, but exist in separate places.

Maybe there is some perfect expression of submission out there that can thrive on the occasional demand. And submit gracefully to that form of Dominance.
To put it eloquently--I ain't it.

I am what you have helped me to become.
It is not who I thought I would be
but I find myself most content and complete when I sit at your feet.
Because I am what you have helped me to become.
And I crave your control more than you may ever truly know.

17 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Thank you sunnygirl.
      Now if only things could come out of my mouth like this...

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  2. Replies
    1. Thank you Catharine. Glad you enjoyed the post.

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  3. Wonderful words. I always enjoy reading what ever you write. Some times it feels like you are feeling many of the same things I feel. No matter what emotion you are sharing or trying to vent out you always do it with your own poetic grace thank you!

    Pet from
    http://mysubmissivelife.blogspot.com

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Kindred. I try! If only I could be half as successful with the words that come straight out of my mouth...
      It's always nice when I hear that my thoughts and experiences are similar to those of others--even if only because then I know my crazy little world isn't quite so crazy.

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  4. To put it eloquently - I ain't it.

    Submission without punishment is an interesting road to take, but I am starting to get it. I mean really "get it". But yes, it would be easier to take the punishment many times than just do better.

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    Replies
    1. Kitty - The Submissive Wife,
      I think that submission without punishment can be a little bit more complex. Somehow the acknowledgement of good behavior feels slightly more important without punishment for the bad. Just knowing they notice I guess.

      And I can adapt to that approach. I cannot however, seem to function very well as a sub without other expressions of Dominance. Regardless of whether they are physical or verbal.
      I guess what I am getting at, is I can live a life without punishment. Not so easy to thrive in a life without expressions of his control.

      Delete
  5. It will all come together..dont know when..still wating myself lol but seriously i think a lot perhaps is trial and error in finding a way that works for both of you..if it doesnt at one point, adapt, change, learn from it and try and try again.

    tori xx

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  6. tori,
    Sometimes thing work so perfectly that it's all the messier when a wrench goes into the wheels lol.
    We found what works for us. Though I do think that one of the complicating factors in it is that we/life/stuff is always evolving and changing.
    And I agree, like most of life, trial and error is the only way we grow and learn. No one posted a big warning sing over the learning curve saying how much it hurts when you fall off though lol.
    Really, he found a hobby and I miss my attention fix.
    Oddly enough, even though he hasn't read this post yet, I did get that fix after writing it...

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  7. Wow, submission without a punishment and only the acknowledgement of a job well done, if at all, would be really hard and maybe even discouraging? I think it takes maybe even more dedication on your part. Not sure.

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    1. Julia,
      I think that the benefit of submission without punishment comes from the personal motivation and focus it takes to accomplish. I do think it takes a bit more dedication--feels like it anyways lol.
      Now, when his attention is elsewhere and he doesn't acknowledge success, it is extremely difficult and I don't seem to do too good with it.

      Of course, the absolution factor of being punished is undeniable...Nothing really replaces that. Unless I sprout wings and turn into an angel--which has been quite unsuccessful so far lol.

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  8. I love the "to put it eloquently - I ain't it" line too. Why is it so much easier to express things with the written word? You write so well that maybe there just isn't a better way of saying it?

    Dee x

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    Replies
    1. Dee, The annoying thing is, I'm quite terrible with the spoken word. Especially when it comes to him. I get all stuttery and my mind turns into a blank ball of mush lol.

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  9. Beautiful letter. Hope you find that connection again really soon. Life does tend to get in the way sometimes, doesn't it?

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    Replies
    1. Tess,
      thank you. And I agree, life really is busy interfering all over the place.

      Delete
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