Monday, June 11, 2012

Expressions of Dominance

I had this moment...And something just...Clicked.
The expression in his eyes...That's what did it--his expression of Dominance.
In that moment, I realized that it's those expressions that keep me where I want to be.

Then I realized that a person can only batter at someone elses walls for so long. And if it's those expressions of Dominance that help me tick, that swallow me whole, and make me feel in a way that nothing else does, the way I want to feel every day of my life?

Then maybe it's time I stopped fighting it.
Right?
I mean, after a point, it's a bit ridiculous to battle in an attempt to not give someone what you both want/need.

And I think I get it now.
This whole very long couple of months and a few looks and moments in the kitchen today, and now I know.
I do need it.
And he has no desire to fight for my submission any longer.

I don't know if it was intentional on his part. But I feel like I learned a very big lesson (damn I hope it sticks).

Sitting there, staring back at his expression of Dominance--the look in his eyes that the only right is obedience. His eyes tell me he has no doubt
that I will submit
that he knows what I am
and he will not be denied.

In that moment, my mind drifts to a deep ache in the center of my being
and I feel myself melting
and it's kind of terrifying, that feeling of complete willingness to allow someone to do anything they want.

In that place I realize that my only real fear is no longer being under his control.
And I understand that denying him is denying myself.

Because those expressions of his Dominance
my life in his hands
my existence under his control...
Those things help make me who I was meant to be.

20 comments:

  1. I believe the struggle to understanding (or re-discovering) your submission can take a life time. In this life time journey we fight, grow and change. Sometimes we have an epiphany and the fighting stops, the struggle is replaced with understanding. This understanding allows us to grow into what we truly want to be.


    http://mysubmissivelife.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kindred,
      What a beautiful comment. It could be a post of it's own!
      I agree.
      And thank you for sharing these lovely thoughts.

      Delete
  2. a good lesson to learn and jsut before summer, perhaps you will get some time off now ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sir J,
      You are quite right--it is a good lesson to learn...If only I can hold on to it! Sometimes I feel like these things are painfully similar to algebra--worked at it, worked at it, got it, forgot it. I do hope it's not like that this time though...
      Time off is a real thing and not just an imaginary construct?!

      Delete
  3. Replies
    1. Catharine,
      sometimes words feel like they flow very smoothly. This was not one of those times. So I'm happy to hear that it came out somewhat eloquent despite the struggles.

      Delete
  4. lightbulb moments!! love them just wish they would stay on longer lol...i get them then i sort of get distracted by making things more confusing.

    tori xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. tori,
      Right? There's nothing quite like the beauty of the light turning on...Followed by the complete blindness when it switches right back off again lol.
      Distraction is my middle name...I'm really hoping this one sticks though!

      Delete
  5. This time - you're inside my head. Much more eloquent your way though. The things i thought would be hard to submit to - are not that tough. It's the aspects i never expected that throw me for such loops. Sir J is right - this sounds like a big hurdle overcome. I hope so, and i hope it affords you both some contentment for a good while.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. gg,
      it really is lovely to see you are back. I found that I rather missed your comments and posts.
      And it's certainly not very eloquent when it's floating around in my head lol. Kind of like a ball of yarn when a cat gets it versus when you are done untangling it and have a blanket.

      I totally agree about the surprise of what is easy to submit to and what is not. Submission is a funny critter like that.

      Thank you.

      Delete
  6. "In that place I realize that my only real fear is no longer being under his control.
    And I understand that denying him is denying myself."

    Beautiful. This is why he is in charge of me. Totally.

    Thanks for this wonderful piece.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. FA,
      Thank you, and you are quite welcome. Glad you enjoyed the post.

      Delete
  7. Scary and yet absolutely beautiful. A wonderful place to be.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Blondie,
      it is a wonderful place to be...So much better than dying in one's cheerios to be sure lol.

      Delete
  8. "Because those expressions of his Dominance
    my life in his hands
    my existence under his control...
    Those things help make me who I was meant to be. "

    Absolutely love this, lil, exquisitely stated. That's how I feel about my Ward.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. June,
      thank you.
      It's pretty neat how, for all the individual uniqueness and differences of opinion, there are certain things so many of us have in common when it comes to our feelings.

      Delete

Play nice.