I had this moment...And something just...Clicked.
The expression in his eyes...That's what did it--his expression of Dominance.
In that moment, I realized that it's those expressions that keep me where I want to be.
Then I realized that a person can only batter at someone elses walls for so long. And if it's those expressions of Dominance that help me tick, that swallow me whole, and make me feel in a way that nothing else does, the way I want to feel every day of my life?
Then maybe it's time I stopped fighting it.
I mean, after a point, it's a bit ridiculous to battle in an attempt to not give someone what you both want/need.
And I think I get it now.
This whole very long couple of months and a few looks and moments in the kitchen today, and now I know.
I do need it.
And he has no desire to fight for my submission any longer.
I don't know if it was intentional on his part. But I feel like I learned a very big lesson (damn I hope it sticks).
Sitting there, staring back at his expression of Dominance--the look in his eyes that the only right is obedience. His eyes tell me he has no doubt
that I will submit
that he knows what I am
and he will not be denied.
In that moment, my mind drifts to a deep ache in the center of my being
and I feel myself melting
and it's kind of terrifying, that feeling of complete willingness to allow someone to do anything they want.
In that place I realize that my only real fear is no longer being under his control.
And I understand that denying him is denying myself.
Because those expressions of his Dominance
my life in his hands
my existence under his control...
Those things help make me who I was meant to be.