It will be a wonder if anyone makes it to the end of this post, and a minor miracle if it makes any sense lol. I suggest large amounts of coffee.
I have been musing about something for a while...
Specifically why doing something that I really don't want to do and don't enjoy just because he says do it, makes me want that thing in a whole different way.
I swear I'm not trying to be obtuse and I know that my phrasing leaves something to be desired lol.
So I'll try again.
I can be turned on by him doing things I genuinely do not like--just because I don't actually like it and he does it anyways.
Better?
I think it has to do with control--because I don't like it, I am clearly not in control.
He very clearly is in control because I don't like it and he does it anyways.
Sometimes, when he's doing something to me, I am so done.
I just want it to stop. But he keeps going.
Then I start to think about it.
And I need him to keep going simply because I know I can't stop him even though I want to.
In those moments, when the realization hits me that "no" won't change a thing, the surrender becomes only for him.
That is when I need it. No matter how badly I don't want it.
He has this fantasy...And logically, I don't like it--at all. Thinking about it brings out all the worst parts of me lol. Submissive who? I buried her in the backyard...Right where I plan on burying that other girl...
Yet he has made me get off on it more than once. And I do because it is so clearly not what I want, that the fact he might make me do it anyways makes me melt.
I think that it takes a great deal of trust to accept this feeling. Because some things aren't wanted for a very good reason. And if he didn't know me so well, or really didn't give a crap, we could easily end up in a very bad place.
So it's a fine line made all the more delicious to walk upon for its tenuous balance.
But it is in giving up control that I receive the control I most need.
Of course, there are also many times he chooses not to do what I don't want or to do what I do want. And I am deeply grateful...
I do strive for clarity and understanding when I write. This time I'm not sure that I even came close lol.
Though it is scary and it is hot--that sometimes I like things just because I don't.
hey, I GET IT ( i think)
ReplyDeleteThis is my version - i don't like it, but he wants me to do it. cos he can. and cos he wants me to like it. so in the end I like it because I didn't in the first place and I like having to like doing it only becos he made it so, not because I actually liked it in the first place.
something like that?
Cos thats how i feel...
FA, lol. Exactly!
DeleteSometimes is nice having your mind changed about something you knew you didn't want to like.
ReplyDeletesunnygirl,
DeleteIt is isn't it?
Though I'm not sure that in this particular case, my mind actually changes and stays that way, it's more of an in that moment kind of thing. If that makes any sense...
The submission is greater because you are doing something you don't like/don't want to do, and the real pleasure is in the submitting. Just a thought.
ReplyDeleteSusan
Susan,
DeleteIt's a very good thought.
I do think that's submission is easy when you're doing what you want. The challenge often comes with the inevitable things we Don't want.
oh definitley get this, even though i may not like the actual act and would prefer not to do it, i get a buzz out of doing it because i have to, because it pleases him and that in turn is what makes me contented.
ReplyDeleteyeah its a funny thing and i have tried to explain it before but it just doesnt seem to make sense when i do lol
I agree with anon, its easy to submit to things we like and enjoy but the real test is when its something that is not so enjoyable
tori x
tori,
DeleteYea lol, it's not a concept that goes into words well. I read back over what I wrote and said "huh?" lol. If I didn't have the feeling, I wouldn't understand it any better by reading this post lol.
I don't think they call it submission when you Want to do everything it entails...
Some things I only like because it turns him on, which turns me on.
ReplyDeleteJulia,
DeleteIn retrospect, I could have just written that one sentence, and it would have probably been much easier to follow lol.
Ummm...yeah, I got that without the benefit of extra cofee. Don't know that I can explain it any better, but something definitely in the foreground for me at the moment.
ReplyDeletefaerie,
DeleteIt was your post that brought it back up in my mind.
Though, the clarity I had been waiting for never did appear. You know that though since you read this far lol.
yea i get it and know just how you feel!!!
ReplyDeleteAnon,
Deleteit's great when people get "it". Even when the words don't seem to make that much sense lol.
Oh oh, I feel like jumping up and shouting "I get it, I get it!" Lol! And that's without any coffee!!
ReplyDeleteI think you've explained yourself perfectly :)
Dee x
Dee,
DeleteWithout ANY coffee?! Wow. I'm not sure I could follow this one without coffee lol.
Thank you.
Nope! I am with the rest of the ladiew. I get it.
ReplyDeleteKat,
DeleteI wonder if it would be at all understandable if one didn't know the feeling...
You're not alone we all have a tendency to feel this way.
ReplyDeletetrazuredpet,
DeleteIt's always nice to be in good company!
yes it makes total sense :) In the end it's a beautiful feeling when the desire to serve (or submit) overrides ALL other desires (or dislikes).
ReplyDeleteAva Grace,
DeleteYou are quite right, it really is a beautiful thing.