Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Somehow Over Time...

I realized something as I was musing about how long we have been together, and was it really true that we had been at this whole D/s thing 5 or 6 years (hey, anyone will tell you that years spent at home with kids will warp your sense of time. And damage your adult vocabulary).

I realized that, for all my struggles with active submission which seems to be accompanied by inactive Dominance, my struggles are somewhat superficial.
If the relationship is the cake and D/s is the icing, then most of my issues round ttwd are about the sprinkles. And you know, sprinkles are important too--bad ones can ruin a perfectly good cake with delicious icing.

Over time, many aspects of the exchange of power just are. They become an automatic part of life.

Like how the final say is always his. Even if he adapts my view of disagreement, my way only happens if he decides it does.
Or the way I take him the coffee in the morning no matter what--it just is. I don't even think about it. I take my first drink after fixing it up and hand it over until he decides to hand it back. Anyone who shouldn't be spoken to before their morning coffee can appreciate the magnitude of that one lol.
And the way I always check before spending money even though I'm the thrifty one.
Or how I automatically look for his okay no matter what.
And the dismay I feel if I cook something he doesn't like...

There's so much that just...Is.

And somehow over time, all those things and more became the way we live.

I get distracted by the sprinkles, but they can be added at his will and in the end, they don't have all that much to do with our basic structure. Though the process of scraping them off can be a real pain.

I tend to focus so much on the aspects I struggle most with, that I sometimes overlook the things that have become part of who we are.


  1. Im with you on the whole morning thing, heck even my kids avoid speaking to me unless they have to lol..im a grouch!

    I do think its natural to focus on the aspects we struggle with simply because they are what we struggle with and i think part of it is being submissive and that need to be pleasing, its almost like we give ourselves a harder time than they do.

    Sometimes i need to remind myself of what i am good at and what does come easily to me but then i dont want to go on about them because i dont want to be a braggart or come accross as big headed lol so i would say 80% of my blog for example is ramblings of struggles!

    tori x

    1. tori,
      I may have ummm, spent a fair amount of time training my kids to greet me with an exchange of "good morning" and leave me well alone until they see me with coffee cup in hand lol.

      I do think that we give ourselves a harder time than they do--if he gave me as much crap as I give myself I would probably have a mental breakdown...

      80% of your blogging is about struggles...Hmmm, maybe I should tone it down a bit. Some days I think I exceed 100% on that one lol.

  2. I am not a submissive by any stretch of the imagination but reading your post made me realize how many of "my habits" could be construed as submission. Surprised the hell out of me. LOL

    1. sunnygirl,
      Lol. I do think that, to a certain extent, many of the things I mentioned are just about getting along in any relationship. Like the purchases--in any working relationship, one partner doesn't go out and drop an entire paycheck without first talking to another. But feeling compelled to say one plans to spend $5 on milk is probably stretching that a bit lol.

      You willingly give him first go at the coffee??? You must be a very nice lady in love.

    2. I don't drink coffee, but I usually set it up so all he has to do is flip with switch. The rest is up to him.

  3. Most of mine and Master's dynamic is a collection of these small habits. I ask him about random purchases, run plans by him for approval, know exactly how to fix his coffee, and ask him what he'd like for dinner most nights.
    It's not always about the big grand gestures of submission. It's the respect you'd show in any relationship, and just tipping the scales a little.

    1. Kitten,
      I agree that it's not always about the grand gestures and it's an expression of tipping the scales a bit more--I don't think anyone wants to make their husband a dinner they hate, but I doubt it amounts to overwhelming dismay in most relationships lol.

  4. lil, I just love your writing. What a good metaphor! Hope your sprinkles always match your cake perfectly!

    And wow, the coffee thing IS huge. That's quite a sacrifice you make each morning...

    1. Thank you Jake.
      And I know right? Huge sacrifice. Of course it's only about five minutes...But still lol.

  5. Kudos on the coffee thing. I canNOT function without my coffee first thing so I hear you.

    1. FA, ahh, a fellow coffee drinker!
      He knows me well and I don't wait long at all lol. But I think it's a point in my favor nonetheless.

  6. Sprinkles can be really distracting!

    Myself, I get totally obsessed with the sprinkles. Sometimes I can't see the cake or the icing for the sprinkles. I just want the WHOLE CAKE to be just perfect.

    1. Sexperts,
      Right? I mean, sometimes I think they should be another color, but scraping off existing ones never works very well, then by the time I'm done with that round, you can't even tell there's cake at all!


Play nice.