I could grumble about one of my email accounts getting hacked, or theorize about what exactly brought someone here off the search "constipated submissive" (not all hits are flattering. What can I say lol), or I could try to force out the draft that's been sitting for ages about trusting people to be who they are. But I'm striving for focus here people!
Can't you tell?
I'm talking about fantasies because I have such a difficult time with them. Well, that and I wandered around blogland yesterday, and read this.
Funny how something can inspire you as you realize that you have a completely different opinion about it than the writer did...But that is one of the beauties of inspiration right?
There was a time when it would never have occurred to me to share my fantasies with Alpha. Then he caught me acting out fantasies I previously never knew I had, online.
So He started pushing me to talk about them. And holy crap was it awful. You know that feeling when you're sure the sky is going to fall if you don't hurry up and crawl under a rock? Yep, that was how I felt.
But I think that was one of the things that helped us to discover O/our space--that place where anything can be said, any fantasy shared, any thought spoken, and it's okay. No matter what.
Many of the thoughts I have read online seem to lean in the direction that fantasies exist to be private--they are ours to hold and keep as our own.
And I'm not saying those thoughts are wrong because they illustrate the uniqueness of individual relationships and existence.
I believe that there is truth, and there is absolute truth (I'm still focusing. Promise).
Truth is what I and others believe it to be. But each person's is, to a large extent, dependent on them as an individual.
Absolute truth is like an un-bendable Universal law--it does not change or adapt itself to whatever we believe it to be or think it should be. It just...Is. And it's difficult to see because we already have our own truths, and sometimes they stand between us and that clearer absolute view.
For me, it feels like sharing my fantasies with Alpha brings us closer to that absolute truth. Because there, in that moment, there is no judgement, not even really my truth or his truth, just a complete removal of barriers between us.
Like humiliation and pain, and those huge life events that alter everything we think we know or thought we were, it brings us closer to the realm of absolute truth.
Interestingly enough, I don't feel the need to know all of Alpha's fantasies. Yes, I am curious (curiosity is a bit like thinking--dangerous stuff that), but I don't feel that knowing them would necessarily bring us closer. Or even that they are really any of my business.
Seems like there is a huge discrepancy in that statement doesn't it? And I'm not sure I quite have it figured out yet...I'm open to ideas on that one lol.
Maybe it is, in part, because I trust that I will know should he decide to make them a reality...
I think that sometimes we judge ourselves for our fantasies. And with that judgement comes a certainty that the world too will judge us. And perhaps that is true.
But when you share the most hidden thoughts that get you off and the person you tell doesn't gasp in horror and run away waving their little flag of morality? It can be a rather freeing experience.
There is definitely shame in admitting my fantasies. But there is something similar to punishment in doing so--a purity, a sense of absolution.
In admission of my dirtiest fantasies I have found a deep sense of release. Because it brings him one step deeper into my mind. And there is one less part that is only mine.
Oddly enough, the more of them I have shared, the less I have them...
I can't decide if this post is reflective of too much coffee or not enough...
But there's no point in beating a dead horse unless you're sure it has really bit the dust right?
The bossman encourages me to share my fantasies with him and i do with a bit of prompting, he has yet to be horrified at any of them, but still some of them horrify me that i fantasise about things well things that im not even sure i would like...so why do i fantasise about them! lol
ReplyDeleteI think sometimes fantasies are just best left as being a fantasy even the realistic ones, one of mine for example (a milder one, not ready to share my deeper, darker ones lol) is to be tied up and gang banged....but you know in reality i know i couldnt cope with it but nevertheless i fantasise about it.
I think knowing he knows me as well as he does and that i dont think there is anything i could suggest that would appal him makes it easier..well a little bit..its shame i think that there are things that i find really appealing it makes me question..well i dont know actually but some i find disturbing so yeah what sort of wierd person am i.
tori x
tori,
DeleteIt was a huge and groundbreaking realization for me that I found some of my fantasies more horrifying than he did. Somehow it made me feel okay about them I guess lol.
I totally agree with you and think the gang bang scenario you mentioned is a perfect example--it's great fantasy fodder about something that I could never actually handle and wouldn't actually want to happen.
That knowing does make it easier, not only for the reasons you mentioned, but also I think because it's okay to share the ones we wouldn't actually want to come true--because they know us well enough not to be dense and say "hey, you said it was a fantasy, we're doing it!"
You are singing my song... My HOH asked for the first time this week if he could read my spanking fiction. He'd been totally supportive and enthusiastic about my writing and publishing, but hadn't asked to read it before. I was totally scared to show it to him! Because of course it certainly describes fantasies of mine. And publishing it to the anonymous world is somehow different than sharing with your husband.
ReplyDeleteHe left it at "whenever you're ready". I talked to a friend who totally encouraged me to open up and share. So I emailed it to him and now HE says he's scared to read it! So funny. Opening new doors takes time, I guess...
reneerose,
DeleteWelcome to my crazy little corner.
I think that there are many things it's easier to tell the anonymous world. In part because they're opinions and thoughts aren't nearly as important to us.
And while he will get whatever he wants out of my head, he doesn't read anything I write until it's done and published. Which is totally awesome because if he's standing behind me I freeze up, get major writer's block, and can't seem to complete a sentence lol.
Opening new doors can be a process of its own. But I think that the challenges really appear when we decide to step through them.
Isn't that what makes this world we are in so special ? the gift of oneself... warts, dirty secrets, and all, and being accepted,understood, and wanted because of that.
ReplyDeleteWhat you say here about the purity of absolute truth and the freedom that gives, as well as it bringing together two souls sums it up for me.
A great post .... keep drinking that coffee
sophie xx
sophie,
DeleteI do think that one of the biggest gifts ttwd has brought us is knowledge of that acceptance. And I think the acceptance enhances and plays a major part in sharing fantasies.
Thank you. Glad to hear you enjoyed the post. And I have no intention of laying off the coffee anytime soon lol.
I enjoyed this post very much, lil. I try various different strategies to enable Joy to share her fantasies with me, sometimes with success and sometimes without success. However, whenever she does so, it both draws us closer and gives us yet another toy to play with.
ReplyDeleteAs you point out, however, she seems far less curious about my fantasies than I am about hers. I wonder why. Maybe it's because I don't have such a difficult time in sharing them. Or maybe it's because she's afraid I'll turn them into reality. Don't know, but it's an interesting point...
Jake,
Deletethank you. I'm glad you enjoyed the post.
Realizing that I don't feel a real need to all of Alpha's fantasies was a realization that came to me as I wrote this last couple of posts. And I have to say, I was a bit surprised by it.
Perhaps it's the fear that they will become reality combined with the sense of anticipation we love so much...
Anyways, if you figure that one out, do let me know. As usual, my writing raises new questions for myself lol.
It's so completely normal to feel that way. I remember the first time that I shared something I liked with MDK. It was 12 years ago and I still get giddy and silly each and every time he does it. It's a big step to throw private thoughts out to someone. You wonder if he will think you're odd for liking that or wanting that (no matter what it is) because it is something that you keep to yourself. Blogging is like that for me since I don't have others that you know do ttwd around me. It's a release just like the spankings and fantasies. Really enjoyed your post Lil! :)
ReplyDelete~Addy~
Bratty Adaline,
DeleteThank you. I'm happy to hear you enjoyed the post.
And blogging is definitely a great release--it's a place to let out all those thoughts that build up and have to have somewhere to go.