I could grumble about one of my email accounts getting hacked, or theorize about what exactly brought someone here off the search "constipated submissive" (not all hits are flattering. What can I say lol), or I could try to force out the draft that's been sitting for ages about trusting people to be who they are. But I'm striving for focus here people!
Can't you tell?
I'm talking about fantasies because I have such a difficult time with them. Well, that and I wandered around blogland yesterday, and read this.
Funny how something can inspire you as you realize that you have a completely different opinion about it than the writer did...But that is one of the beauties of inspiration right?
There was a time when it would never have occurred to me to share my fantasies with Alpha. Then he caught me acting out fantasies I previously never knew I had, online.
So He started pushing me to talk about them. And holy crap was it awful. You know that feeling when you're sure the sky is going to fall if you don't hurry up and crawl under a rock? Yep, that was how I felt.
But I think that was one of the things that helped us to discover O/our space--that place where anything can be said, any fantasy shared, any thought spoken, and it's okay. No matter what.
Many of the thoughts I have read online seem to lean in the direction that fantasies exist to be private--they are ours to hold and keep as our own.
And I'm not saying those thoughts are wrong because they illustrate the uniqueness of individual relationships and existence.
I believe that there is truth, and there is absolute truth (I'm still focusing. Promise).
Truth is what I and others believe it to be. But each person's is, to a large extent, dependent on them as an individual.
Absolute truth is like an un-bendable Universal law--it does not change or adapt itself to whatever we believe it to be or think it should be. It just...Is. And it's difficult to see because we already have our own truths, and sometimes they stand between us and that clearer absolute view.
For me, it feels like sharing my fantasies with Alpha brings us closer to that absolute truth. Because there, in that moment, there is no judgement, not even really my truth or his truth, just a complete removal of barriers between us.
Like humiliation and pain, and those huge life events that alter everything we think we know or thought we were, it brings us closer to the realm of absolute truth.
Interestingly enough, I don't feel the need to know all of Alpha's fantasies. Yes, I am curious (curiosity is a bit like thinking--dangerous stuff that), but I don't feel that knowing them would necessarily bring us closer. Or even that they are really any of my business.
Seems like there is a huge discrepancy in that statement doesn't it? And I'm not sure I quite have it figured out yet...I'm open to ideas on that one lol.
Maybe it is, in part, because I trust that I will know should he decide to make them a reality...
I think that sometimes we judge ourselves for our fantasies. And with that judgement comes a certainty that the world too will judge us. And perhaps that is true.
But when you share the most hidden thoughts that get you off and the person you tell doesn't gasp in horror and run away waving their little flag of morality? It can be a rather freeing experience.
There is definitely shame in admitting my fantasies. But there is something similar to punishment in doing so--a purity, a sense of absolution.
In admission of my dirtiest fantasies I have found a deep sense of release. Because it brings him one step deeper into my mind. And there is one less part that is only mine.
Oddly enough, the more of them I have shared, the less I have them...
I can't decide if this post is reflective of too much coffee or not enough...
But there's no point in beating a dead horse unless you're sure it has really bit the dust right?