Friday, September 21, 2012

Excessive Complaining

Excessive complaining...I'm about to do some. There's a nice list of non-whiny blogs on the right.

I developed a rather deep sense of resentment towards Alpha's father long before I ever met him. He was and is, a crappy father--king of bar brawls, selfishness, empty promises, and all around juvenile behavior.
To sum it up, he is a rather large fully grown man with the attitude and thought processes of a badly behaved 14 year old boy.
He is however, the only father Alpha has ever known.

My son and my father were best friends. My dad taught him how to hit a baseball, regularly attended kiddo's soccer games, and dragged himself off the couch when he could barely move to take his grandson out to do fun things.
They were very close and my son feels the rather large space my father's death left in his life. This gap has led to a desire on his part to get to know and spend time with his other grandfather.

I'm jumping all over the place here, but I'll get to my complaint of the day shortly lol.

My first and only personal falling out with Alpha's father occurred about seven years ago when he shoved Alpha into a wall during a fight about thing1. He apparently never learned any other way to resolve differences.
Being a large man who wins his fights, he thinks he's won as long as he's the man left standing.
Now for Alpha as a grown man, that was an exceptionally difficult position to be in with his father. For once, thing2 rose to the occasion and broke it up before Alpha had to respond or I lost my shit completely.
After that night, Alpha's father stepped very carefully around me. In fact, as backwards as it was, I'm the only person he apologized to. I hear that was huge for him.
He was well aware that I would have no problem shooting him over my husband. And having lived with Alpha's mom for as long as he did, he also knows that small pissed off women can be highly unpredictable.

Now, years later, everyone's pretty much gotten over that night. Family is family and we tolerate each other pretty well. But in the typical fashion of grown 14 year old drunks, that night has never been mentioned.

Now that I'm done squishing the butterflies...

Alpha's father called last night to tell me he was coming to a memorial near us tomorrow, and arriving today in the town I work and kiddo plays soccer. I saw an opportunity...And asked him to come to kiddo's soccer game Saturday morning. Personally, I could give two shits less, but it would make my son's day.
Well...He has to sleep. Then he has to eat. And he just doesn't have time.
I was highly irritated. Of course, it was a late night call and he was already a down a few cases of beer, so there was no sense in really trying to talk to him.

Alpha will call this morning like his dad asked and invite them again.
There's a street soccer match tonight. I don't usually take kiddo because they are so late, but I'm thinking that fil (father in law), should really go. After all, he'll be there and he has to sleep in the morning right?

We all know the day will eventually come when lil has had enough and gives fil the lecture of his lifetime. I'll probably start with my kids and work my way back up the generations through Alpha's childhood.
With any luck, that won't be this week--it's not nice to make grown men cry before they go to a memorial.

And this my friends, is why so many subs wander around the world unnoticed--there's many sides to each person. And for some of us, one of those sides is the repressed desire to make a grown man cry and repent for being a total ass throughout their son's lifetime.

Seriously, if you read this in the AM--I'm sorry, have more coffee. And if you find my sense of humor, it can be returned to


  1. Ah, you made a funny at the end. I am off to get coffee as intstructed - small angry women should be heeded... LOL.

    (We all have our family member that drives us bonkers and it sounds like adding alcohol into the mix doesn't help. Sounds like you are good to keep your expectations low. I am really sorry about your dad.)

  2. I like the trees!

    lil; it is hard to want something for someone you love from someone you can feel so at odds with but sometimes that gap can't be crossed.

    On the day that will eventually come:
    My best advice, coming from one who over the years gave those kinds of lectures and seriously wishes she could travel back in time: Don't do it. Do anything you can, not to give in to give the lecture of the lifetime. Let your Alpha manage the relationship he has with his father and keep swallowing words and biting tongue and all that; laughable to simply say, I know.

  3. oh lil families are not always the easiest are they and perhaps more so when its our partners family, Masters parents both passed away before i met him and he has no siblings so there is no family, unfortunatley he has to put up with mine and well i find them barely tolerable myself.

    I think Blueame gives sensible advice just try to bite your tongue however i appreciate its easier said as done because i know i wouldnt be able to.

    Hope it does go smoothly for all of you.


  4. I too think you should keep quiet, although it is advice I probably would not follow myself. It's hard to watch adults hurt our children's feelings by being careless. In my situation I just keep telling myself my kids will grow up to see what their dad did or did not do for them. All I can do is soften the blows and not say anything about him.

  5. This is difficult. I never tell my step son what an idiot his dad is. although I want to do so. All the time.

  6. I think you've done the best you can do, given the circumstances you are having to work around.

    As a parent, we never want our kids to see the worst of their grand-parents, aunts and uncles or otherwise. But frankly, doing the best you can without calling someone a jack ass and letting your kids come to their own conclusions about these people is about all you have left sometimes.

    I wish you patience and strength in dealing with this situation and others that are sure to come up in the future just like it.

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  8. I agree, I think Bleuame gives very sound advice. We want to protect the people that we love, and in some cases vindicate them. But people like that - generally they cannot be made to understand or repent what they have done. All we can do - well not really = but the best we can do is make a haven for our families, a place where they can come for rest and to become unburdened of the burdens we bring into our relationships with us.

  9. Question is, is he likely to change? I think sometimes 'accepting' the things we cannot change is less stressful. It's a tough situation and I'd imagine very hard to keep ones thoughts to themselves, but it might be the best way to go?
    Ps: I've sent you an email :)

    Dee x

    1. Dee,
      didn't get the email.

  10. Can I suggest that it might be better for your son if he doesn't get close to that man? It's not easy to let people go from your life, especially family, but sometimes it's for the best.

    Protect your son, protect Alpha, and if you need back up, I know how to shoot :)

  11. I'm going toe terribly lame and give a blanket response to comments because it's too late to think, but I feel like I should respond to them lol.

    Thank you everyone for your thoughts.

    This is not a new thing at all--it's just the first time I spewed it onto the blog. Bitching makes me genuinely feel better sometimes. It works for me, and here is really the best place for it.

    Ten years ago, it would have been a terrible idea to lecture him. Now? I am in the unique position of really being the only person in a position to do so. And I have been with Alpha and around the family long enough to know what I'm talking about.

    The fact is, one day, he will die because that's what people do.
    Do I expect him to see the light, quit drinking and have a miraculously wonderful relationship with Alpha because I sit him down for a talk? No.
    Do I think it's possible that he could see a tiny bit of light through the trees and actually admit that he could have/should have, done better? And perhaps put out a bit more effort in the future? Yes.
    And I would rather not see it happen when he kicks the bucket, or never.

    As for the children--given the distance, we believe it is good for them to have an opportunity to know the only grandfather the little one will ever remember.
    He won't misbehave, and we teach the kids to have realistic expectations based on who we know him to be. From there, they form their own judgements.

    When I was a child, I had no illusions about my grandfather. Because I grew up as his son's child.
    Our eldest is well aware what a flawed human being his grandfather is, and the little one knows that once or twice a year, he gets to play with his grandpa.

    There are genuinely bad people in the world. And sometimes, there are selfish people who became what they learned and just never really grew up. Some of us happen to be related to the latter lol.

    And it is fair to say that everyone hated fil's father because he was a total bastard.
    It's the glory of generational sharing.

  12. lil,

    We all have our moments and your certainly entitled to yours....Honestly,we all go through hills and valleys right?


    1. mouse,
      we certainly do.
      And I really have found that letting it out here works quite well for me--it keeps me from spewing it all at Alpha, and I feel genuinely better afterwards.
      As always, it's nice to see you stop by.


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